Edward goes to the Jersey Shore
by SunnyGrey
Summary: When Bella leaves Edward after a stint on Teen Mom, Edward decides that he must go to the Jersey Shore, be on a reality show with the infamous guidoes, obtain instant fame and win her back so that he can put his family back together.
1. How he got here

**Chapter 1**

I can't believe I let Alice talk me into this, Edward thought to himself as he Stared blankly ahead, grasping the steering wheel of his new, shiny black Beamer. He slowly turned his head to the left and he felt a pang of anxiety in his stomach as his eyes landed on the small jersey shore house. His new, Italian roommates were probably waiting anxiously for him at the door, curious about their new roommates identity.

Edward relaxed his shoulders momentarily and sighed nervously as he recollected how Alice had gotten him into this mess in the first place. It all started when Bella "changed". When she became a vampire and gave birth to Edwards beloved daughter. When she changed into a monster. And not the kind of monster one would naturally assume when addressing the transformation into an uncontrollable, bloodthirsty creature. No, what happened to Bella was much, much worse. When Bella "changed" she became self-absorbed attention slut with a constant desire to stir up unnecessary drama. She ended up scoring what she considered to be the role of a lifetime shortly after Reneesme's birth: MTV's Teen Mom. The ever-present film crew made Edward extremely uncomfortable but he put up with it for Bella because he was deeply and unconditionally in love with her. He doted on Bella and his daughter, despite Bella's ungrateful attitude and controlling nature. Edward was miserable but he wouldn't give up his true love and daughter for anything. But when the show aired, things changed. MTV and Bella made Edward out to be the typical, deadbeat, absentee father. They cut out any footage he was in, and when Bella was filmed without him, she was in a constant fit of tears; distraught over the fact that Reneesme deserved a better father, one who actually came around and loved Reneesme like

she loved Reneesme. When Edward calmly confronted her about it, she exploded in a fit of rage, accusing him of accusing her. The fight ended with Bella packing her things, throwing her wedding ring in Edwards face and walking out the door. Edward was defeated and chose not to chase after her. He hadn't spoken to her since, and the last he heard she was living over on the reservation with Jacob.

Edward was dangerously depressed after all this went down. Between losing Bella and receiving mountains of hate mail from angry women around the country, Edward's ego had really taken a hit. So, one night, Alice approached him with an idea: go to the jersey shore!

"It's the perfect way to move past all this," she said, "you can get away and have fun, and America will fall in love with you and your instant 15 minutes of fame will make Bella want you back!". Edward hated the idea.

"Absolutely not," he said, "I've heard of that show, those people sound ridiculous. Plus, I have a daughter to take care of, remember?"

Alice grinned and excitedly grabbed him by the shoulders and looked directly into his eyes.

"We can watch the kid, you know we love her."

Edward grabbed her by the wrists and removed them from his shoulders and asked her, "don't you think America will hate me even more if I do this? I mean, won't they think I'm even more of a deadbeat dad if I ditch my daughter to go party it up with the guidos?"

Alice threw her head back laughing.

"No! That's the greatest part of all this" she said between giggles, "this show is like magic. No one cares where these people came from; they are just immediately obsessed with them. Trust me, the next thing you know, you'll be walking red carpets, attending movie premieres, and shooting the breeze with Ellen."

"Who?"

"My point is, America and the rest of the world won't be able to resist."

Edward half smiled at her compliment and lowered his gaze downward, pondering the idea. Alice extended her hand and lifted his eyes back to hers.

"And neither will Bella," she said, "I see this working, and you need to just trust me."

**Chapter 2**

So here he was. Sitting outside of this party house that would hopefully fix the broken pieces of his life, without introducing the world to the existence of vampires. It was a risk, but one he had somehow allowed himself to believe was necessary. He went hunting right before he left and assumed he would have to hunt a couple more times during his stay at the shore, which he could sneak off and do. Luckily this particular group of people stayed awake all-night and slept throughout the entire day so he wouldn't have to worry about his secret being exposed in sunlight. He reassured himself that everything would be alright and all he needed to worry about was these people accepting him. Everyone, even Edward Cullen, knows that if you aren't liked by the rest of them, you aren't liked by anyone. Alice told him he needed to make it his ultimate goal to not be the next Angelina.

Edward got out of the car reluctantly and made his way up the steps to the front door. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door of the jersey shore house. Silence.

This surprised him because he Assumed the the eager roommates would be on the opposite side of the door, their ears pressed against it, anxiously awaiting the vibrations from approaching steps or nervous knock. However, there was not a stir. He really did not want to help himself in like the annoying, invasive new guy. After knocking a few more times, peeking through windows and circling the house for any indication of life, Edward gave up and decided he would have to just go in and awkwardly wait on the couch for the roommates to return...like an intruder.

However the door was locked. Edward quickly checked his watch. 1am. He hadn't realized he had arrived so late. He panicked for a brief moment, thinking about the possibility of being stuck out there so long that the sunrise sends his skin into a sparkle frenzy, but then Mentally calmed himself down. _I'm sure they'll be back soon_, he thought. _After all, guidos can only party so late, right_?

**Chapter 3**

Edward sat crouched beneath a tree that extended up to the front porch providing a small patch of shade from the ever-rising sun. He desperately looked at his watch for the millionth time. 5:30am. He had wedged himself tightly into the shady corner, clutching his knees to his chest and watching the sun inch closer to his body. Edward silently blamed Alice for this disaster and was about to make a break for his car when he heard the Italian stampede coming up the sidewalk and making it's way up the porch. The first to come into full sight was a tall, lean man wearing dark aviator sunglasses over his eyes, an Ed Hardy t-shirt on his back and a disheveled blonde on his arm. They drunkenly stumbled up the steps together, laughing and complementing each other on their sexiness. The man noticed Edward, who was still squatting desperately in the corner, clinging to his shrinking patch of shade. As the man quickly made his way to the door, he slid his sunglasses down to the tip of his nose and looked over them at Edward.

"Yo, Rookie!" he shouted, replacing his shades back over his eyes and clumsily unlocking the door, "The name is Situation. I assume you know where the smushing room is, and I'd appreciate it if you stayed away from there for the next couple of hours, thanks bro, catch you later!" And he disappeared into the house.

Following shortly behind were three extremely tan girls. While the shade of their skin was equally bronzed, the rest of their appearance couldn't have been any more different. The one in the middle was tall, like a model. Edward was certain, other than Bella, he had never seen a more beautiful creature. She had jet-black hair that fell loosely around her shoulders, large, fake breasts, and piercing dark eyes. She wore a skin tight, red leather dress that was cut so low in the front that the artistry of the plastic surgeon could truly be appreciated, and Edward found himself desiring to know the name of that surgeon so that he could write him a thank-you card. The one to her right was shockingly short, and just barely came up to the model's belly button. She too had jet-black hair, but hers was piled onto the back of her head in what probably was once a poof, but after a long night of partying it was now more of a birds nest. She wore a silver, strapless dress where the fabric clung tightly to her butt, then loosened around her middle section, then tightened up again around her breasts. The one on the model's left was slightly taller than the other, but with lighter hair that was thick and curly. She wore a similar dress to the other short girl, except it was turquoise blue. The two little ones were practically being carried by the model, who had her arms wrapped around each of their waists. The short ones were clearly drunk and whining loudly about one of the other roommates, and the tall one simply ignored it and led the girls into the house without even noticing Edward.

The duo that came into sight next was silent. A tall, slender, beautiful girl with dark brown hair and sweet eyes held the hand of a shorter, stout man with muscles that were piled so thickly on his arms that it made him walk with almost a kind of waddle. They both wore similar expressions that Edward could only determine to be that of silent suffering. The only noise that they created was that from walking, and they too entered the house without noticing Edward pathetically balled up in the shady corner.

He was beginning to feel hopeful. Maybe no one would notice him, and he could enter the house with the roommates already home like he had originally planned. The Situation would probably be absent and "smushing" that charming blonde and wouldn't notice the difference. But Edward was very wrong, because the next feet sprinting heavily and loudly up the steps were those of Vinny and Pauly D.

**Chapter 4!**

The two rambunctious boys literally leapt up the steps laughing and instigating each other with playful insults and congratulations on being awesome. They were so distracted with one another that Edward was convinced he would slip directly under their radar. However, just as they were about to enter the house, Vinny caught sight of Edward and stopped dead in his tracks. Vinny was of average height and build, with extremely short black hair and black eyebrows. Vinny's sudden stop nearly caused Pauly D to run right into him. Pauly D was a very tanned, toned man with the sides of his head shaved, but on the top of his head sat a thick, black mane that he had clearly spent a lot of time perfecting, as it stood perfectly straight up like grass that hadn't been cut for a few months. Both boys were also wearing Ed Hardy t-shirts, extremely clean shoes, and a wrist and neck-full of shiny jewelry. After a moment of confusion, Pauly D realized what had caused Vinny to freeze up and both boys were now looking at Edward in utter disbelief.

"Oh, hell no," said Pauly D, "this cannot be the new guy."

Edward realized how ridiculous he must look. To himself he was a broken hearted vampire trying to hold onto a secret that was centimeters away from being revealed. But to these guys and the rest of the world, he was a grown, human man, scrunched into the fetal position, with a terrified expression. He looked like the combination of an escaped psych ward patient, a homeless man, and a frightened toddler. So it was no surprise that these guys were not immediately accepting of him. He couldn't read their thoughts to determine what their analysis of him was because they were drunk. When humans drink, their thoughts are reduced to complex swirls of light, color and sound that are undecipherable to Edward's gift.

"I mean…_this guy_?" Pauly D stated again, "_this_ guy?"

"Yeah," agreed Vinny, with a bewildered look on his face, "he's so…so…"

_Weird? Awkward? Different? Ugly?_ Edward thought, attempting to predict the ultimate factor that caused him to be an instant outcast.

"Pale," said Pauly D conclusively.

Vinny nodded in agreement. The two boys stood in the doorway gawking at Edward like he was an injured animal and they weren't sure what to do next. After what felt like hours, the tension in Vinny's body loosened and he gave Edward a soft smile and said, "eh, what the hell?" as he stepped towards Edward and extended an arm, "I'm Vinny, nice to meet you bro."

Edward stared at the outstretched hand. He observed how its dark, olive color burned slightly red in the sun's rising light. Edward knew if he reached out and shook Vinny's hand in the warm sunlight he would sparkle like Diana Ross. But he knew if he didn't it would be considered a social insult and who knows what would happen after that. He panicked, unsure of what to do. The smile on Vinny's face vanished and he gave his hand a jerk, silently threatening Edward to shake it or else.

"Come on bro, I'm trying to be cool, don't you know its disrespectful to ignore a handshake when someone is welcoming into their home?" Vinny turned around to face Pauly D, searching for answers, but Pauly simply shrugged and snickered at the awkwardness of the situation and the awkwardness of Edward in general. Vinny turned back to Edward, clearly upset and disturbed by Edward's antisocial behavior.

"Bro you really don't want to be doing this on your first day, you don't disrespect your roommates on the first day," Vinny rambled, getting himself heated up and angrier by the second, "you think you're a man because you won't shake my hand, bro? For real? Get up, you little bitch, show me how manly you are, I'll take you out right now, let's go!" Vinny's hands were balled up into fists and he was anxiously hopping around the porch in circles and beating on his chest. Pauly D, still in the doorway, was roaring with laughter and encouraging Vinny's alpha male behavior. Edward was beyond panicking. He wanted to stand up and shake this guy's hand and apologize, but he couldn't. He felt so stupid curled up in that corner; unable to be a man like Vinny demanded and either shake his hand or fight. But he couldn't do either without outing an entire secret species. Edward was pretty sure if he were human he would be crying.

Suddenly Vinny was hovering about Edward, breathing heavily, Pauly's hysterical laughter looming in the background.

"I said, 'get up' you pale little bitch," and the next thing he knew, Edward's arm was clutched in Vinny's wrist and he was thrust into the sunlight. It all happened so quickly that it was over before it had a chance to begin. Edward's animalistic nature erupted and, combined with his instincts to shield his bare skin, he simultaneously threw Vinny off of him and into Pauly D, knocking the two of them into the house and onto the floor. Then, using his lightening speed, he quickly leapt from the sunlit porch into the safe, dark living room of the jersey shore house. Vinny and Pauly D attempted to collect themselves from the floor and figure out what had just happened. When they got to their feet, Edward stood in front of them, smiled slightly, extended his hand and said, "I'm Edward Cullen, nice to meet you."

**Chapter 5**

Edward kept his hand in the air, and Vinny and Pauly D stared blankly at him. Their eyes shifted back and forth from his hand to his face at least ten times. Edward's smile faded from his mouth and his confidence vanished. Finally Vinny broke the silence.

"You little bitch!"

Edward's face went from confusion to terror, as the two guidos bolted towards him, toppled him to the ground, and began blindly throwing punches at him. Edward was tempted to use his super strength once again to throw them off of him but knew he couldn't get away with it this time. So he simply had to take each punch and kick, trying to fight back in the most human-like way. His closed his eyes as fists were flying all over the place. This went on for what felt like hours.

Suddenly all the blows stopped entirely and Edward opened his eyes. He saw Vinny and Pauly D ripped away from their position on top of him and thrown into the coffee table supporting several magazines and a vase filled with dead flowers and old water. The table collapsed beneath the weight of the two boys and left them in a pile of broken wood, shattered glass and smelly, dirty liquid.

"What the fuck, Jenny?" yelled Pauly D as he examined the brown stain that now stretched across his once pure white Ed Hardy shirt.

Edward looked up to see who had broken up the fight. To his astonishment, it was the model he had seen walking into the house supporting the two dwarf girls. He was impressed by her strength. Not only had she been able to carry the dead weight of the two chunky, pint-sized guidettes up the stairs and into the house, but also she had also just lifted two grown men off the ground and hurtled them across the room. He stared at her, awestruck. She was now in little boxer shorts and a baggy t-shirt. Her make up had been washed off and her hair was now thrown into a messy ponytail. Her hands were on her hips in an authoritative way and she stared accusingly at the two boys piled on the coffee table.

"You two are a bunch of douche bags for jumping the new guy the second he walks in here! What's the matter with you?"

When she spoke, she remained very composed. Her hands remained in position and her voice was very monotone. She had a masculinity about her that Edward found intriguing and found himself unable to take his eyes off of her.

Edward stood up, dusted himself off and opened his mouth to thank the girl and introduce himself. But before he could get the words out, Vinny jumped to his feet and pointed his tan finger at Edward and looked Jenny in the eyes.

"_This_ guy started it, Jenny. He had the audacity to come up in _my_ house to _live_ here with _me_ but refuse to shake my hand like a decent human being. So I don't give a fuck," he turned to face Edward, "I'll fuckin' knock you out if you come near me ever again, okay bitch?"

And with that, he turned around to help Pauly D off of the floor and the two gave Edward a threatening look as they walked past him and disappeared up the stairs.

Jenny turned to face Edward. He couldn't help but feel excited at the fact that he was now alone with this strong, Italian angel.

**Chapter 6**

Edward opened his mouth to speak to her, but was interrupted once again.

"You know you got some nerve comin' in here refusing to shake your roommates hand. I don't know where you're from but in jersey that's not how you make friends."

Edward was taken aback. He felt like a child being scolded. He was even more frustrated because he _did_ know the importance of a handshake and was an extremely respectful person.

"I was nervous," was all he could being himself to say, "I, uh, I kind of froze up, I'm sorry."

Jenny's expression softened and she relaxed her arms to her side. The corner of her mouth crept up into a slight smile and she snickered, "yeah, I guess it is pretty intimidating coming home to a house full of drunk Italians."

Her accent was smooth and beautiful and Edward found himself wanting her to speak more, simply so he could listen to it.

"So, you are Jenny?" he asked.

"Oh, yeah, sorry," she said reaching out to shake his hand, "otherwise known as JWOWW, as I'm sure you already know."

"Uh, no, sorry, I didn't know that," Edward said awkwardly.

"Oh, really?" she asked, with a genuine tone of shock, "haven't you ever seen the show?"

"Well, no, not exactly," he responded hesitantly. The truth was, the only parts of jersey shore he had ever seen were bits and pieces he picked up from people's thoughts, and when that happened he just tried to tune it out. But JWOWW made him wish he hadn't.

"Huh," she responded, now examining him up and down suspiciously, "so, um, how come you're so white? I mean, most Italians I know aren't pale, and you are _really_ pale. You _are_ Italian…aren't you?"

"Of course."

This, of course, was a lie. When Alice applied for Edward to be on the show, she didn't consider it a lie _per say_ to tell MTV that Edward was of Italian decent, considering the Volturi live in Italy and their all from the vampire species. Alice assured Edward the connection was good enough and not to worry.

Jenny stood silently. She was clearly waiting for an explanation.

"Um, I was studying abroad in, uh, Washington. There's no sun there. Constant rain and clouds."

"You were studying abroad?"

"Uhh, yeah, uh huh."

"In Washington?"

"Yep."

She laughed. "What, don't they have tanning beds there?"

"Tanning what?"

She folded her arms across her chest and stared at Edward as though he had just told her he was recently abducted by aliens. He began to panic until she burst out into laughter.

"New guy, you are something else. If I wasn't ready to pass out, I'd probably slap you for not knowing what a tanning bed is. This is going to be an interesting couple of months, let me tell ya."

And with that, she turned around to go up the stairs and go to bed. When her back was completely turned, Edward let out a deep breath, thankful that his first traumatizing experience was over. However, he quickly inhaled again when Jenny suddenly turned back around, just before walking up the stairs.

"Oh! And new guy…"

"Yes?" Edward responded instantly with a little too much enthusiasm.

"I think The Situation has a grenade in the smushing room, which can't be too pretty. So, you probably want to stay away from that door right there," she pointed towards a door on the back wall that read "Guest Room**"**.

Edward looked at the door then turned back to look at Jenny who was smirking at him.

"You _do_ know what smushing is, don't you?" she asked sarcastically.

"Yes, yes of course. Goodnight Jenny," Edward said with an awkward wave, as she continued up the stairs and disappeared.

Edward had no clue what smushing was. Or what a grenade was. Or what a tanning bed was. He didn't know how he was going to get through this. He collapsed on the couch and buried his head in his hands. Now that he was alone physically, and mentally since he couldn't tap into people's drunken thoughts, all he could hear were muffled groans of pleasure coming from the "Guest Room". Edward looked up, smiled, relaxing a little. He had figured out what smushing was.


	2. Jersey shore porch

**Chapter 1**

I can't believe I let Alice talk me into this, Edward thought to himself as he Stared blankly ahead, grasping the steering wheel of his new, shiny black Beamer. He slowly turned his head to the left and he felt a pang of anxiety in his stomach as his eyes landed on the small jersey shore house. His new, Italian roommates were probably waiting anxiously for him at the door, curious about their new roommates identity.

Edward relaxed his shoulders momentarily and sighed nervously as he recollected how Alice had gotten him into this mess in the first place. It all started when Bella "changed". When she became a vampire and gave birth to Edwards beloved daughter. When she changed into a monster. And not the kind of monster one would naturally assume when addressing the transformation into an uncontrollable, bloodthirsty creature. No, what happened to Bella was much, much worse. When Bella "changed" she became self-absorbed attention slut with a constant desire to stir up unnecessary drama. She ended up scoring what she considered to be the role of a lifetime shortly after Reneesme's birth: MTV's Teen Mom. The ever-present film crew made Edward extremely uncomfortable but he put up with it for Bella because he was deeply and unconditionally in love with her. He doted on Bella and his daughter, despite Bella's ungrateful attitude and controlling nature. Edward was miserable but he wouldn't give up his true love and daughter for anything. But when the show aired, things changed. MTV and Bella made Edward out to be the typical, deadbeat, absentee father. They cut out any footage he was in, and when Bella was filmed without him, she was in a constant fit of tears; distraught over the fact that Reneesme deserved a better father, one who actually came around and loved Reneesme like

she loved Reneesme. When Edward calmly confronted her about it, she exploded in a fit of rage, accusing him of accusing her. The fight ended with Bella packing her things, throwing her wedding ring in Edwards face and walking out the door. Edward was defeated and chose not to chase after her. He hadn't spoken to her since, and the last he heard she was living over on the reservation with Jacob.

Edward was dangerously depressed after all this went down. Between losing Bella and receiving mountains of hate mail from angry women around the country, Edward's ego had really taken a hit. So, one night, Alice approached him with an idea: go to the jersey shore!

"It's the perfect way to move past all this," she said, "you can get away and have fun, and America will fall in love with you and your instant 15 minutes of fame will make Bella want you back!". Edward hated the idea.

"Absolutely not," he said, "I've heard of that show, those people sound ridiculous. Plus, I have a daughter to take care of, remember?"

Alice grinned and excitedly grabbed him by the shoulders and looked directly into his eyes.

"We can watch the kid, you know we love her."

Edward grabbed her by the wrists and removed them from his shoulders and asked her, "don't you think America will hate me even more if I do this? I mean, won't they think I'm even more of a deadbeat dad if I ditch my daughter to go party it up with the guidos?"

Alice threw her head back laughing.

"No! That's the greatest part of all this" she said between giggles, "this show is like magic. No one cares where these people came from; they are just immediately obsessed with them. Trust me, the next thing you know, you'll be walking red carpets, attending movie premieres, and shooting the breeze with Ellen."

"Who?"

"My point is, America and the rest of the world won't be able to resist."

Edward half smiled at her compliment and lowered his gaze downward, pondering the idea. Alice extended her hand and lifted his eyes back to hers.

"And neither will Bella," she said, "I see this working, and you need to just trust me."

**Chapter 2**

So here he was. Sitting outside of this party house that would hopefully fix the broken pieces of his life, without introducing the world to the existence of vampires. It was a risk, but one he had somehow allowed himself to believe was necessary. He went hunting right before he left and assumed he would have to hunt a couple more times during his stay at the shore, which he could sneak off and do. Luckily this particular group of people stayed awake all-night and slept throughout the entire day so he wouldn't have to worry about his secret being exposed in sunlight. He reassured himself that everything would be alright and all he needed to worry about was these people accepting him. Everyone, even Edward Cullen, knows that if you aren't liked by the rest of them, you aren't liked by anyone. Alice told him he needed to make it his ultimate goal to not be the next Angelina.

Edward got out of the car reluctantly and made his way up the steps to the front door. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door of the jersey shore house. Silence.

This surprised him because he Assumed the the eager roommates would be on the opposite side of the door, their ears pressed against it, anxiously awaiting the vibrations from approaching steps or nervous knock. However, there was not a stir. He really did not want to help himself in like the annoying, invasive new guy. After knocking a few more times, peeking through windows and circling the house for any indication of life, Edward gave up and decided he would have to just go in and awkwardly wait on the couch for the roommates to return...like an intruder.

However the door was locked. Edward quickly checked his watch. 1am. He hadn't realized he had arrived so late. He panicked for a brief moment, thinking about the possibility of being stuck out there so long that the sunrise sends his skin into a sparkle frenzy, but then Mentally calmed himself down. _I'm sure they'll be back soon_, he thought. _After all, guidos can only party so late, right_?

**Chapter 3**

Edward sat crouched beneath a tree that extended up to the front porch providing a small patch of shade from the ever-rising sun. He desperately looked at his watch for the millionth time. 5:30am. He had wedged himself tightly into the shady corner, clutching his knees to his chest and watching the sun inch closer to his body. Edward silently blamed Alice for this disaster and was about to make a break for his car when he heard the Italian stampede coming up the sidewalk and making it's way up the porch. The first to come into full sight was a tall, lean man wearing dark aviator sunglasses over his eyes, an Ed Hardy t-shirt on his back and a disheveled blonde on his arm. They drunkenly stumbled up the steps together, laughing and complementing each other on their sexiness. The man noticed Edward, who was still squatting desperately in the corner, clinging to his shrinking patch of shade. As the man quickly made his way to the door, he slid his sunglasses down to the tip of his nose and looked over them at Edward.

"Yo, Rookie!" he shouted, replacing his shades back over his eyes and clumsily unlocking the door, "The name is Situation. I assume you know where the smushing room is, and I'd appreciate it if you stayed away from there for the next couple of hours, thanks bro, catch you later!" And he disappeared into the house.

Following shortly behind were three extremely tan girls. While the shade of their skin was equally bronzed, the rest of their appearance couldn't have been any more different. The one in the middle was tall, like a model. Edward was certain, other than Bella, he had never seen a more beautiful creature. She had jet-black hair that fell loosely around her shoulders, large, fake breasts, and piercing dark eyes. She wore a skin tight, red leather dress that was cut so low in the front that the artistry of the plastic surgeon could truly be appreciated, and Edward found himself desiring to know the name of that surgeon so that he could write him a thank-you card. The one to her right was shockingly short, and just barely came up to the model's belly button. She too had jet-black hair, but hers was piled onto the back of her head in what probably was once a poof, but after a long night of partying it was now more of a birds nest. She wore a silver, strapless dress where the fabric clung tightly to her butt, then loosened around her middle section, then tightened up again around her breasts. The one on the model's left was slightly taller than the other, but with lighter hair that was thick and curly. She wore a similar dress to the other short girl, except it was turquoise blue. The two little ones were practically being carried by the model, who had her arms wrapped around each of their waists. The short ones were clearly drunk and whining loudly about one of the other roommates, and the tall one simply ignored it and led the girls into the house without even noticing Edward.

The duo that came into sight next was silent. A tall, slender, beautiful girl with dark brown hair and sweet eyes held the hand of a shorter, stout man with muscles that were piled so thickly on his arms that it made him walk with almost a kind of waddle. They both wore similar expressions that Edward could only determine to be that of silent suffering. The only noise that they created was that from walking, and they too entered the house without noticing Edward pathetically balled up in the shady corner.

He was beginning to feel hopeful. Maybe no one would notice him, and he could enter the house with the roommates already home like he had originally planned. The Situation would probably be absent and "smushing" that charming blonde and wouldn't notice the difference. But Edward was very wrong, because the next feet sprinting heavily and loudly up the steps were those of Vinny and Pauly D.

**Chapter 4!**

The two rambunctious boys literally leapt up the steps laughing and instigating each other with playful insults and congratulations on being awesome. They were so distracted with one another that Edward was convinced he would slip directly under their radar. However, just as they were about to enter the house, Vinny caught sight of Edward and stopped dead in his tracks. Vinny was of average height and build, with extremely short black hair and black eyebrows. Vinny's sudden stop nearly caused Pauly D to run right into him. Pauly D was a very tanned, toned man with the sides of his head shaved, but on the top of his head sat a thick, black mane that he had clearly spent a lot of time perfecting, as it stood perfectly straight up like grass that hadn't been cut for a few months. Both boys were also wearing Ed Hardy t-shirts, extremely clean shoes, and a wrist and neck-full of shiny jewelry. After a moment of confusion, Pauly D realized what had caused Vinny to freeze up and both boys were now looking at Edward in utter disbelief.

"Oh, hell no," said Pauly D, "this cannot be the new guy."

Edward realized how ridiculous he must look. To himself he was a broken hearted vampire trying to hold onto a secret that was centimeters away from being revealed. But to these guys and the rest of the world, he was a grown, human man, scrunched into the fetal position, with a terrified expression. He looked like the combination of an escaped psych ward patient, a homeless man, and a frightened toddler. So it was no surprise that these guys were not immediately accepting of him. He couldn't read their thoughts to determine what their analysis of him was because they were drunk. When humans drink, their thoughts are reduced to complex swirls of light, color and sound that are undecipherable to Edward's gift.

"I mean…_this guy_?" Pauly D stated again, "_this_ guy?"

"Yeah," agreed Vinny, with a bewildered look on his face, "he's so…so…"

_Weird? Awkward? Different? Ugly?_ Edward thought, attempting to predict the ultimate factor that caused him to be an instant outcast.

"Pale," said Pauly D conclusively.

Vinny nodded in agreement. The two boys stood in the doorway gawking at Edward like he was an injured animal and they weren't sure what to do next. After what felt like hours, the tension in Vinny's body loosened and he gave Edward a soft smile and said, "eh, what the hell?" as he stepped towards Edward and extended an arm, "I'm Vinny, nice to meet you bro."

Edward stared at the outstretched hand. He observed how its dark, olive color burned slightly red in the sun's rising light. Edward knew if he reached out and shook Vinny's hand in the warm sunlight he would sparkle like Diana Ross. But he knew if he didn't it would be considered a social insult and who knows what would happen after that. He panicked, unsure of what to do. The smile on Vinny's face vanished and he gave his hand a jerk, silently threatening Edward to shake it or else.

"Come on bro, I'm trying to be cool, don't you know its disrespectful to ignore a handshake when someone is welcoming into their home?" Vinny turned around to face Pauly D, searching for answers, but Pauly simply shrugged and snickered at the awkwardness of the situation and the awkwardness of Edward in general. Vinny turned back to Edward, clearly upset and disturbed by Edward's antisocial behavior.

"Bro you really don't want to be doing this on your first day, you don't disrespect your roommates on the first day," Vinny rambled, getting himself heated up and angrier by the second, "you think you're a man because you won't shake my hand, bro? For real? Get up, you little bitch, show me how manly you are, I'll take you out right now, let's go!" Vinny's hands were balled up into fists and he was anxiously hopping around the porch in circles and beating on his chest. Pauly D, still in the doorway, was roaring with laughter and encouraging Vinny's alpha male behavior. Edward was beyond panicking. He wanted to stand up and shake this guy's hand and apologize, but he couldn't. He felt so stupid curled up in that corner; unable to be a man like Vinny demanded and either shake his hand or fight. But he couldn't do either without outing an entire secret species. Edward was pretty sure if he were human he would be crying.

Suddenly Vinny was hovering about Edward, breathing heavily, Pauly's hysterical laughter looming in the background.

"I said, 'get up' you pale little bitch," and the next thing he knew, Edward's arm was clutched in Vinny's wrist and he was thrust into the sunlight. It all happened so quickly that it was over before it had a chance to begin. Edward's animalistic nature erupted and, combined with his instincts to shield his bare skin, he simultaneously threw Vinny off of him and into Pauly D, knocking the two of them into the house and onto the floor. Then, using his lightening speed, he quickly leapt from the sunlit porch into the safe, dark living room of the jersey shore house. Vinny and Pauly D attempted to collect themselves from the floor and figure out what had just happened. When they got to their feet, Edward stood in front of them, smiled slightly, extended his hand and said, "I'm Edward Cullen, nice to meet you."

**Chapter 5**

Edward kept his hand in the air, and Vinny and Pauly D stared blankly at him. Their eyes shifted back and forth from his hand to his face at least ten times. Edward's smile faded from his mouth and his confidence vanished. Finally Vinny broke the silence.

"You little bitch!"

Edward's face went from confusion to terror, as the two guidos bolted towards him, toppled him to the ground, and began blindly throwing punches at him. Edward was tempted to use his super strength once again to throw them off of him but knew he couldn't get away with it this time. So he simply had to take each punch and kick, trying to fight back in the most human-like way. His closed his eyes as fists were flying all over the place. This went on for what felt like hours.

Suddenly all the blows stopped entirely and Edward opened his eyes. He saw Vinny and Pauly D ripped away from their position on top of him and thrown into the coffee table supporting several magazines and a vase filled with dead flowers and old water. The table collapsed beneath the weight of the two boys and left them in a pile of broken wood, shattered glass and smelly, dirty liquid.

"What the fuck, Jenny?" yelled Pauly D as he examined the brown stain that now stretched across his once pure white Ed Hardy shirt.

Edward looked up to see who had broken up the fight. To his astonishment, it was the model he had seen walking into the house supporting the two dwarf girls. He was impressed by her strength. Not only had she been able to carry the dead weight of the two chunky, pint-sized guidettes up the stairs and into the house, but also she had also just lifted two grown men off the ground and hurtled them across the room. He stared at her, awestruck. She was now in little boxer shorts and a baggy t-shirt. Her make up had been washed off and her hair was now thrown into a messy ponytail. Her hands were on her hips in an authoritative way and she stared accusingly at the two boys piled on the coffee table.

"You two are a bunch of douche bags for jumping the new guy the second he walks in here! What's the matter with you?"

When she spoke, she remained very composed. Her hands remained in position and her voice was very monotone. She had a masculinity about her that Edward found intriguing and found himself unable to take his eyes off of her.

Edward stood up, dusted himself off and opened his mouth to thank the girl and introduce himself. But before he could get the words out, Vinny jumped to his feet and pointed his tan finger at Edward and looked Jenny in the eyes.

"_This_ guy started it, Jenny. He had the audacity to come up in _my_ house to _live_ here with _me_ but refuse to shake my hand like a decent human being. So I don't give a fuck," he turned to face Edward, "I'll fuckin' knock you out if you come near me ever again, okay bitch?"

And with that, he turned around to help Pauly D off of the floor and the two gave Edward a threatening look as they walked past him and disappeared up the stairs.

Jenny turned to face Edward. He couldn't help but feel excited at the fact that he was now alone with this strong, Italian angel.

**Chapter 6**

Edward opened his mouth to speak to her, but was interrupted once again.

"You know you got some nerve comin' in here refusing to shake your roommates hand. I don't know where you're from but in jersey that's not how you make friends."

Edward was taken aback. He felt like a child being scolded. He was even more frustrated because he _did_ know the importance of a handshake and was an extremely respectful person.

"I was nervous," was all he could being himself to say, "I, uh, I kind of froze up, I'm sorry."

Jenny's expression softened and she relaxed her arms to her side. The corner of her mouth crept up into a slight smile and she snickered, "yeah, I guess it is pretty intimidating coming home to a house full of drunk Italians."

Her accent was smooth and beautiful and Edward found himself wanting her to speak more, simply so he could listen to it.

"So, you are Jenny?" he asked.

"Oh, yeah, sorry," she said reaching out to shake his hand, "otherwise known as JWOWW, as I'm sure you already know."

"Uh, no, sorry, I didn't know that," Edward said awkwardly.

"Oh, really?" she asked, with a genuine tone of shock, "haven't you ever seen the show?"

"Well, no, not exactly," he responded hesitantly. The truth was, the only parts of jersey shore he had ever seen were bits and pieces he picked up from people's thoughts, and when that happened he just tried to tune it out. But JWOWW made him wish he hadn't.

"Huh," she responded, now examining him up and down suspiciously, "so, um, how come you're so white? I mean, most Italians I know aren't pale, and you are _really_ pale. You _are_ Italian…aren't you?"

"Of course."

This, of course, was a lie. When Alice applied for Edward to be on the show, she didn't consider it a lie _per say_ to tell MTV that Edward was of Italian decent, considering the Volturi live in Italy and their all from the vampire species. Alice assured Edward the connection was good enough and not to worry.

Jenny stood silently. She was clearly waiting for an explanation.

"Um, I was studying abroad in, uh, Washington. There's no sun there. Constant rain and clouds."

"You were studying abroad?"

"Uhh, yeah, uh huh."

"In Washington?"

"Yep."

She laughed. "What, don't they have tanning beds there?"

"Tanning what?"

She folded her arms across her chest and stared at Edward as though he had just told her he was recently abducted by aliens. He began to panic until she burst out into laughter.

"New guy, you are something else. If I wasn't ready to pass out, I'd probably slap you for not knowing what a tanning bed is. This is going to be an interesting couple of months, let me tell ya."

And with that, she turned around to go up the stairs and go to bed. When her back was completely turned, Edward let out a deep breath, thankful that his first traumatizing experience was over. However, he quickly inhaled again when Jenny suddenly turned back around, just before walking up the stairs.

"Oh! And new guy…"

"Yes?" Edward responded instantly with a little too much enthusiasm.

"I think The Situation has a grenade in the smushing room, which can't be too pretty. So, you probably want to stay away from that door right there," she pointed towards a door on the back wall that read "Guest Room**"**.

Edward looked at the door then turned back to look at Jenny who was smirking at him.

"You _do_ know what smushing is, don't you?" she asked sarcastically.

"Yes, yes of course. Goodnight Jenny," Edward said with an awkward wave, as she continued up the stairs and disappeared.

Edward had no clue what smushing was. Or what a grenade was. Or what a tanning bed was. He didn't know how he was going to get through this. He collapsed on the couch and buried his head in his hands. Now that he was alone physically, and mentally since he couldn't tap into people's drunken thoughts, all he could hear were muffled groans of pleasure coming from the "Guest Room". Edward looked up, smiled, relaxing a little. He had figured out what smushing was.


	3. Newbie goes unnoticed

**Chapter 1**

I can't believe I let Alice talk me into this, Edward thought to himself as he Stared blankly ahead, grasping the steering wheel of his new, shiny black Beamer. He slowly turned his head to the left and he felt a pang of anxiety in his stomach as his eyes landed on the small jersey shore house. His new, Italian roommates were probably waiting anxiously for him at the door, curious about their new roommates identity.

Edward relaxed his shoulders momentarily and sighed nervously as he recollected how Alice had gotten him into this mess in the first place. It all started when Bella "changed". When she became a vampire and gave birth to Edwards beloved daughter. When she changed into a monster. And not the kind of monster one would naturally assume when addressing the transformation into an uncontrollable, bloodthirsty creature. No, what happened to Bella was much, much worse. When Bella "changed" she became self-absorbed attention slut with a constant desire to stir up unnecessary drama. She ended up scoring what she considered to be the role of a lifetime shortly after Reneesme's birth: MTV's Teen Mom. The ever-present film crew made Edward extremely uncomfortable but he put up with it for Bella because he was deeply and unconditionally in love with her. He doted on Bella and his daughter, despite Bella's ungrateful attitude and controlling nature. Edward was miserable but he wouldn't give up his true love and daughter for anything. But when the show aired, things changed. MTV and Bella made Edward out to be the typical, deadbeat, absentee father. They cut out any footage he was in, and when Bella was filmed without him, she was in a constant fit of tears; distraught over the fact that Reneesme deserved a better father, one who actually came around and loved Reneesme like

she loved Reneesme. When Edward calmly confronted her about it, she exploded in a fit of rage, accusing him of accusing her. The fight ended with Bella packing her things, throwing her wedding ring in Edwards face and walking out the door. Edward was defeated and chose not to chase after her. He hadn't spoken to her since, and the last he heard she was living over on the reservation with Jacob.

Edward was dangerously depressed after all this went down. Between losing Bella and receiving mountains of hate mail from angry women around the country, Edward's ego had really taken a hit. So, one night, Alice approached him with an idea: go to the jersey shore!

"It's the perfect way to move past all this," she said, "you can get away and have fun, and America will fall in love with you and your instant 15 minutes of fame will make Bella want you back!". Edward hated the idea.

"Absolutely not," he said, "I've heard of that show, those people sound ridiculous. Plus, I have a daughter to take care of, remember?"

Alice grinned and excitedly grabbed him by the shoulders and looked directly into his eyes.

"We can watch the kid, you know we love her."

Edward grabbed her by the wrists and removed them from his shoulders and asked her, "don't you think America will hate me even more if I do this? I mean, won't they think I'm even more of a deadbeat dad if I ditch my daughter to go party it up with the guidos?"

Alice threw her head back laughing.

"No! That's the greatest part of all this" she said between giggles, "this show is like magic. No one cares where these people came from; they are just immediately obsessed with them. Trust me, the next thing you know, you'll be walking red carpets, attending movie premieres, and shooting the breeze with Ellen."

"Who?"

"My point is, America and the rest of the world won't be able to resist."

Edward half smiled at her compliment and lowered his gaze downward, pondering the idea. Alice extended her hand and lifted his eyes back to hers.

"And neither will Bella," she said, "I see this working, and you need to just trust me."

**Chapter 2**

So here he was. Sitting outside of this party house that would hopefully fix the broken pieces of his life, without introducing the world to the existence of vampires. It was a risk, but one he had somehow allowed himself to believe was necessary. He went hunting right before he left and assumed he would have to hunt a couple more times during his stay at the shore, which he could sneak off and do. Luckily this particular group of people stayed awake all-night and slept throughout the entire day so he wouldn't have to worry about his secret being exposed in sunlight. He reassured himself that everything would be alright and all he needed to worry about was these people accepting him. Everyone, even Edward Cullen, knows that if you aren't liked by the rest of them, you aren't liked by anyone. Alice told him he needed to make it his ultimate goal to not be the next Angelina.

Edward got out of the car reluctantly and made his way up the steps to the front door. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door of the jersey shore house. Silence.

This surprised him because he Assumed the the eager roommates would be on the opposite side of the door, their ears pressed against it, anxiously awaiting the vibrations from approaching steps or nervous knock. However, there was not a stir. He really did not want to help himself in like the annoying, invasive new guy. After knocking a few more times, peeking through windows and circling the house for any indication of life, Edward gave up and decided he would have to just go in and awkwardly wait on the couch for the roommates to return...like an intruder.

However the door was locked. Edward quickly checked his watch. 1am. He hadn't realized he had arrived so late. He panicked for a brief moment, thinking about the possibility of being stuck out there so long that the sunrise sends his skin into a sparkle frenzy, but then Mentally calmed himself down. _I'm sure they'll be back soon_, he thought. _After all, guidos can only party so late, right_?

**Chapter 3**

Edward sat crouched beneath a tree that extended up to the front porch providing a small patch of shade from the ever-rising sun. He desperately looked at his watch for the millionth time. 5:30am. He had wedged himself tightly into the shady corner, clutching his knees to his chest and watching the sun inch closer to his body. Edward silently blamed Alice for this disaster and was about to make a break for his car when he heard the Italian stampede coming up the sidewalk and making it's way up the porch. The first to come into full sight was a tall, lean man wearing dark aviator sunglasses over his eyes, an Ed Hardy t-shirt on his back and a disheveled blonde on his arm. They drunkenly stumbled up the steps together, laughing and complementing each other on their sexiness. The man noticed Edward, who was still squatting desperately in the corner, clinging to his shrinking patch of shade. As the man quickly made his way to the door, he slid his sunglasses down to the tip of his nose and looked over them at Edward.

"Yo, Rookie!" he shouted, replacing his shades back over his eyes and clumsily unlocking the door, "The name is Situation. I assume you know where the smushing room is, and I'd appreciate it if you stayed away from there for the next couple of hours, thanks bro, catch you later!" And he disappeared into the house.

Following shortly behind were three extremely tan girls. While the shade of their skin was equally bronzed, the rest of their appearance couldn't have been any more different. The one in the middle was tall, like a model. Edward was certain, other than Bella, he had never seen a more beautiful creature. She had jet-black hair that fell loosely around her shoulders, large, fake breasts, and piercing dark eyes. She wore a skin tight, red leather dress that was cut so low in the front that the artistry of the plastic surgeon could truly be appreciated, and Edward found himself desiring to know the name of that surgeon so that he could write him a thank-you card. The one to her right was shockingly short, and just barely came up to the model's belly button. She too had jet-black hair, but hers was piled onto the back of her head in what probably was once a poof, but after a long night of partying it was now more of a birds nest. She wore a silver, strapless dress where the fabric clung tightly to her butt, then loosened around her middle section, then tightened up again around her breasts. The one on the model's left was slightly taller than the other, but with lighter hair that was thick and curly. She wore a similar dress to the other short girl, except it was turquoise blue. The two little ones were practically being carried by the model, who had her arms wrapped around each of their waists. The short ones were clearly drunk and whining loudly about one of the other roommates, and the tall one simply ignored it and led the girls into the house without even noticing Edward.

The duo that came into sight next was silent. A tall, slender, beautiful girl with dark brown hair and sweet eyes held the hand of a shorter, stout man with muscles that were piled so thickly on his arms that it made him walk with almost a kind of waddle. They both wore similar expressions that Edward could only determine to be that of silent suffering. The only noise that they created was that from walking, and they too entered the house without noticing Edward pathetically balled up in the shady corner.

He was beginning to feel hopeful. Maybe no one would notice him, and he could enter the house with the roommates already home like he had originally planned. The Situation would probably be absent and "smushing" that charming blonde and wouldn't notice the difference. But Edward was very wrong, because the next feet sprinting heavily and loudly up the steps were those of Vinny and Pauly D.

**Chapter 4!**

The two rambunctious boys literally leapt up the steps laughing and instigating each other with playful insults and congratulations on being awesome. They were so distracted with one another that Edward was convinced he would slip directly under their radar. However, just as they were about to enter the house, Vinny caught sight of Edward and stopped dead in his tracks. Vinny was of average height and build, with extremely short black hair and black eyebrows. Vinny's sudden stop nearly caused Pauly D to run right into him. Pauly D was a very tanned, toned man with the sides of his head shaved, but on the top of his head sat a thick, black mane that he had clearly spent a lot of time perfecting, as it stood perfectly straight up like grass that hadn't been cut for a few months. Both boys were also wearing Ed Hardy t-shirts, extremely clean shoes, and a wrist and neck-full of shiny jewelry. After a moment of confusion, Pauly D realized what had caused Vinny to freeze up and both boys were now looking at Edward in utter disbelief.

"Oh, hell no," said Pauly D, "this cannot be the new guy."

Edward realized how ridiculous he must look. To himself he was a broken hearted vampire trying to hold onto a secret that was centimeters away from being revealed. But to these guys and the rest of the world, he was a grown, human man, scrunched into the fetal position, with a terrified expression. He looked like the combination of an escaped psych ward patient, a homeless man, and a frightened toddler. So it was no surprise that these guys were not immediately accepting of him. He couldn't read their thoughts to determine what their analysis of him was because they were drunk. When humans drink, their thoughts are reduced to complex swirls of light, color and sound that are undecipherable to Edward's gift.

"I mean…_this guy_?" Pauly D stated again, "_this_ guy?"

"Yeah," agreed Vinny, with a bewildered look on his face, "he's so…so…"

_Weird? Awkward? Different? Ugly?_ Edward thought, attempting to predict the ultimate factor that caused him to be an instant outcast.

"Pale," said Pauly D conclusively.

Vinny nodded in agreement. The two boys stood in the doorway gawking at Edward like he was an injured animal and they weren't sure what to do next. After what felt like hours, the tension in Vinny's body loosened and he gave Edward a soft smile and said, "eh, what the hell?" as he stepped towards Edward and extended an arm, "I'm Vinny, nice to meet you bro."

Edward stared at the outstretched hand. He observed how its dark, olive color burned slightly red in the sun's rising light. Edward knew if he reached out and shook Vinny's hand in the warm sunlight he would sparkle like Diana Ross. But he knew if he didn't it would be considered a social insult and who knows what would happen after that. He panicked, unsure of what to do. The smile on Vinny's face vanished and he gave his hand a jerk, silently threatening Edward to shake it or else.

"Come on bro, I'm trying to be cool, don't you know its disrespectful to ignore a handshake when someone is welcoming into their home?" Vinny turned around to face Pauly D, searching for answers, but Pauly simply shrugged and snickered at the awkwardness of the situation and the awkwardness of Edward in general. Vinny turned back to Edward, clearly upset and disturbed by Edward's antisocial behavior.

"Bro you really don't want to be doing this on your first day, you don't disrespect your roommates on the first day," Vinny rambled, getting himself heated up and angrier by the second, "you think you're a man because you won't shake my hand, bro? For real? Get up, you little bitch, show me how manly you are, I'll take you out right now, let's go!" Vinny's hands were balled up into fists and he was anxiously hopping around the porch in circles and beating on his chest. Pauly D, still in the doorway, was roaring with laughter and encouraging Vinny's alpha male behavior. Edward was beyond panicking. He wanted to stand up and shake this guy's hand and apologize, but he couldn't. He felt so stupid curled up in that corner; unable to be a man like Vinny demanded and either shake his hand or fight. But he couldn't do either without outing an entire secret species. Edward was pretty sure if he were human he would be crying.

Suddenly Vinny was hovering about Edward, breathing heavily, Pauly's hysterical laughter looming in the background.

"I said, 'get up' you pale little bitch," and the next thing he knew, Edward's arm was clutched in Vinny's wrist and he was thrust into the sunlight. It all happened so quickly that it was over before it had a chance to begin. Edward's animalistic nature erupted and, combined with his instincts to shield his bare skin, he simultaneously threw Vinny off of him and into Pauly D, knocking the two of them into the house and onto the floor. Then, using his lightening speed, he quickly leapt from the sunlit porch into the safe, dark living room of the jersey shore house. Vinny and Pauly D attempted to collect themselves from the floor and figure out what had just happened. When they got to their feet, Edward stood in front of them, smiled slightly, extended his hand and said, "I'm Edward Cullen, nice to meet you."

**Chapter 5**

Edward kept his hand in the air, and Vinny and Pauly D stared blankly at him. Their eyes shifted back and forth from his hand to his face at least ten times. Edward's smile faded from his mouth and his confidence vanished. Finally Vinny broke the silence.

"You little bitch!"

Edward's face went from confusion to terror, as the two guidos bolted towards him, toppled him to the ground, and began blindly throwing punches at him. Edward was tempted to use his super strength once again to throw them off of him but knew he couldn't get away with it this time. So he simply had to take each punch and kick, trying to fight back in the most human-like way. His closed his eyes as fists were flying all over the place. This went on for what felt like hours.

Suddenly all the blows stopped entirely and Edward opened his eyes. He saw Vinny and Pauly D ripped away from their position on top of him and thrown into the coffee table supporting several magazines and a vase filled with dead flowers and old water. The table collapsed beneath the weight of the two boys and left them in a pile of broken wood, shattered glass and smelly, dirty liquid.

"What the fuck, Jenny?" yelled Pauly D as he examined the brown stain that now stretched across his once pure white Ed Hardy shirt.

Edward looked up to see who had broken up the fight. To his astonishment, it was the model he had seen walking into the house supporting the two dwarf girls. He was impressed by her strength. Not only had she been able to carry the dead weight of the two chunky, pint-sized guidettes up the stairs and into the house, but also she had also just lifted two grown men off the ground and hurtled them across the room. He stared at her, awestruck. She was now in little boxer shorts and a baggy t-shirt. Her make up had been washed off and her hair was now thrown into a messy ponytail. Her hands were on her hips in an authoritative way and she stared accusingly at the two boys piled on the coffee table.

"You two are a bunch of douche bags for jumping the new guy the second he walks in here! What's the matter with you?"

When she spoke, she remained very composed. Her hands remained in position and her voice was very monotone. She had a masculinity about her that Edward found intriguing and found himself unable to take his eyes off of her.

Edward stood up, dusted himself off and opened his mouth to thank the girl and introduce himself. But before he could get the words out, Vinny jumped to his feet and pointed his tan finger at Edward and looked Jenny in the eyes.

"_This_ guy started it, Jenny. He had the audacity to come up in _my_ house to _live_ here with _me_ but refuse to shake my hand like a decent human being. So I don't give a fuck," he turned to face Edward, "I'll fuckin' knock you out if you come near me ever again, okay bitch?"

And with that, he turned around to help Pauly D off of the floor and the two gave Edward a threatening look as they walked past him and disappeared up the stairs.

Jenny turned to face Edward. He couldn't help but feel excited at the fact that he was now alone with this strong, Italian angel.

**Chapter 6**

Edward opened his mouth to speak to her, but was interrupted once again.

"You know you got some nerve comin' in here refusing to shake your roommates hand. I don't know where you're from but in jersey that's not how you make friends."

Edward was taken aback. He felt like a child being scolded. He was even more frustrated because he _did_ know the importance of a handshake and was an extremely respectful person.

"I was nervous," was all he could being himself to say, "I, uh, I kind of froze up, I'm sorry."

Jenny's expression softened and she relaxed her arms to her side. The corner of her mouth crept up into a slight smile and she snickered, "yeah, I guess it is pretty intimidating coming home to a house full of drunk Italians."

Her accent was smooth and beautiful and Edward found himself wanting her to speak more, simply so he could listen to it.

"So, you are Jenny?" he asked.

"Oh, yeah, sorry," she said reaching out to shake his hand, "otherwise known as JWOWW, as I'm sure you already know."

"Uh, no, sorry, I didn't know that," Edward said awkwardly.

"Oh, really?" she asked, with a genuine tone of shock, "haven't you ever seen the show?"

"Well, no, not exactly," he responded hesitantly. The truth was, the only parts of jersey shore he had ever seen were bits and pieces he picked up from people's thoughts, and when that happened he just tried to tune it out. But JWOWW made him wish he hadn't.

"Huh," she responded, now examining him up and down suspiciously, "so, um, how come you're so white? I mean, most Italians I know aren't pale, and you are _really_ pale. You _are_ Italian…aren't you?"

"Of course."

This, of course, was a lie. When Alice applied for Edward to be on the show, she didn't consider it a lie _per say_ to tell MTV that Edward was of Italian decent, considering the Volturi live in Italy and their all from the vampire species. Alice assured Edward the connection was good enough and not to worry.

Jenny stood silently. She was clearly waiting for an explanation.

"Um, I was studying abroad in, uh, Washington. There's no sun there. Constant rain and clouds."

"You were studying abroad?"

"Uhh, yeah, uh huh."

"In Washington?"

"Yep."

She laughed. "What, don't they have tanning beds there?"

"Tanning what?"

She folded her arms across her chest and stared at Edward as though he had just told her he was recently abducted by aliens. He began to panic until she burst out into laughter.

"New guy, you are something else. If I wasn't ready to pass out, I'd probably slap you for not knowing what a tanning bed is. This is going to be an interesting couple of months, let me tell ya."

And with that, she turned around to go up the stairs and go to bed. When her back was completely turned, Edward let out a deep breath, thankful that his first traumatizing experience was over. However, he quickly inhaled again when Jenny suddenly turned back around, just before walking up the stairs.

"Oh! And new guy…"

"Yes?" Edward responded instantly with a little too much enthusiasm.

"I think The Situation has a grenade in the smushing room, which can't be too pretty. So, you probably want to stay away from that door right there," she pointed towards a door on the back wall that read "Guest Room**"**.

Edward looked at the door then turned back to look at Jenny who was smirking at him.

"You _do_ know what smushing is, don't you?" she asked sarcastically.

"Yes, yes of course. Goodnight Jenny," Edward said with an awkward wave, as she continued up the stairs and disappeared.

Edward had no clue what smushing was. Or what a grenade was. Or what a tanning bed was. He didn't know how he was going to get through this. He collapsed on the couch and buried his head in his hands. Now that he was alone physically, and mentally since he couldn't tap into people's drunken thoughts, all he could hear were muffled groans of pleasure coming from the "Guest Room". Edward looked up, smiled, relaxing a little. He had figured out what smushing was.

**Chapter 7**

Edward curled up on the couch with a blanket since he had no idea where his room was and, for the sake of the cameras, he had to look like he was sleeping. So he lay there for several hours just thinking. Thinking about Reneesme and Jenny and Bella. Thinking about Jacob and Bella. Thinking about Jacob and Bella together.

The daylight peaked at noon and then began to fade in the late afternoon. Edward didn't know how long he should pretend to be asleep, not wanting to seem abnormal at all. Around what he assumed to be 5pm, he heard footsteps come down the stairs and shuffle across the hardwood floors to the kitchen. He heard the fridge open, items shuffle around, and then a giant crash of glass against linoleum.

"WAHHHHHHHHH!"

Edward shot up suddenly, frightened by the loud wailing. He got up and ran into the kitchen where he stumbled upon one of the dwarfs from the previous night. Her close-to-orange skin, large bug eyes and squished face stared at Edward vacantly. She stood on the other side of the counter and Edward could only see above her shoulders.

"Who are you?" she asked in a high-pitched, whiny voice.

"I'm Edward, uh, the, uh new guy," he responded.

She stared at him for about thirty seconds.

"Oh."

"Yeah," said Edward. Before he could ask her what her name was, a horribly pungent odor made its way into his senses and he scrunched his face in utter disgust.

"Ugh, what _is_ that?" he shouted while covering his mouth and nose.

"WAHHHHHHHHHH!" she screamed again, throwing her head back and pointing towards the floor.

Edward rounded the corner to see the juice all over the floor and the small green pickles scattered in every direction. He looked from the disgusting mess to the girl's pouty face. He couldn't tell what she was wearing because she was wrapped up in a large, red blanket that dragged like a train behind her in the back and cover everything above her knees in the front. Her short, stubby legs protruded from slippers that were made to look like gigantic tennis shoes. Everything about this girl was petite, so these engorged shoe-slippers made her look ridiculous. However, Edward couldn't help but find her irresistibly adorable.

"You, uh, want me to clean it up?" he asked hesitantly. He knew this girl wanted him to clean it up, and she knew he would probably do it in order to earn her friendship. This girl was quickly becoming one of the smarter roommates in Edwards mind. And after last night, Edward was not going to turn down any opportunity to get on someone's good side.

The dwarf nodded happily, then lifted herself onto the countertop, dangling her silly feet off of the side. Edward began picking up the individual pickles and tossing them into the sink.

"I'm Nicole, by the way, but everybody calls me Snooki," she said in her mousey voice.

"Edward," he responded, extending a hand.

She accepted the gesture and her tiny hand felt like a baby's hand in his own, large palm. He was suddenly reminded of Reneesme and he instantly grew homesick for her. He felt himself succumbing to sadness, but then reminded himself that he was doing this for her and for their family.

"How come you're so pale?"

Edward looked up at Snooki who was observing him vigilantly.

"Uh, I was studying abroad," he said as he stood up and grabbed a roll of paper towels, then squatted again to finish the job, "in Washington state; there's no sun there."

"Yeah, but don't you GTL?"

"Pardon me?"

"OH MY GOD!" she shouted, raising her voice to a level so suddenly that it made Edward jump a little, "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT GTL IS? HOW DO YOU EVEN CONSIDER YOURSELF A GUIDO?" Snooki was laughing hysterically, apparently amused by his lack of knowledge.

"Nicole! What the FUCK!" called a voice that was both high-pitched and raspy.

The voice came from behind Edward, and he whipped around to see the source. It was the other dwarf from the previous night, the one with long, brown, curly hair. She was equally as odd looking as Snooki, but much less adorable.

Snooki threw both of her hands into the air and kicked her short little legs up and wiggled them.

"DEEEEEEENA!" she shouted, clapping her hands excitedly, "this is the new guy! He doesn't know what GTL is and he is cleaning up my pickles."

Deena shuffled her short legs over to Edward who stood up to greet her. He went to offer a handshake but instead the girl lunged her body at him, wrapping her stubby arms around his middle and shaking him violently.

"I'm Deena!" she shouted mid-hug.

"AWWWWWWWWWWWW!" wailed Snooki behind him, adoring the heartfelt moment. Then she jumped off the counter and was suddenly hugging him from behind and he was helplessly stuck between the two hugging, "awing" girls.

They were rocking him back and forth, laughing louder by the second. When they finally settled down and released him, Deena threw her long hair over her shoulder and made a pouty face.

"I'm starving," she whined.

"Me too," said Snooki, "and all my pickles are gone."

Edward was suddenly very excited to be here. He was growing very fond of these two girls and instinctually wanted to care for them, much like.

"So what'll it be ladies?" he asked, rubbing his hands together, "I'll make anything you want with whatever is in this kitchen."

**Chapter 8**

Jenny walked down the stairs to find every single one of her roommates crammed around the dinner table with a gourmet feast spread across every inch.

"What's going on?" she asked with a suspicious smile.

"New guy cooked," said Pauly D as he shoved a heap of lasagna into his mouth.

Edward and Jenny made eye contact and when she smiled approvingly, Edward shyly looked away.

"Yeah, he's even better than you, Sitch," Vinny laughed.

"Shut the hell up," said The Situation who was clearly too busy stuffing his face to worry about insults.

Jenny walked over and joined the group at the table. Everyone was there enjoying the immaculate meal. Edward was sandwiched between Snooki and Deena. Ronnie and Sammi sat on Deena's right and Pauly D, Vinny, and The Situation were on Snooki's left. Edward was happy with the arrangement, since it allowed him to look directly at Jenny when she took her place among the group. She began helping herself to some chicken potpie and joined in on the conversation.

"So I see you patched things up with Vinny," Jenny said to Edward in a borderline sarcastic tone.

"Uh, yeah," replied Edward with a chuckle, "we worked everything out."

"In other words, Vin felt like a real dumbass when he walked down here to learn pretty boy could cook," laughed Pauly D as pieces of food and spit flew out of his mouth. Edward found Pauly D to be particularly loud but didn't mind it.

"Man, shut up," yelled Vinny, "I was drunk last night so I have an excuse for acting like a dick. Plus, everyone knows the fastest way to my heart is through my stomach," and everyone burst into laughter, including Edward who was faking it for the most part, but was surprisingly enjoying himself.

"And I see you've met Mike," Jenny observed, gesturing toward The Situation. Edward nodded.

"For your information, Jenny," said The Situation sarcastically, "we met last night. When all you rude motherfuckers ignored poor Eddy, I politely welcomed him to our humble home."

Everyone began talking crap and laughing at The Situation as he began to go into detail about his night with the sloppy blonde he brought home from the club. Edward was really beginning to like this group of people. He enjoyed listening to their sober thoughts. The two dwarfs were thinking about a lot of things at once, but mostly it was sex, what they wanted to drink tonight, and sex. The two quieter ones who Edward assumed to be a couple, Ronnie and Sammi, were thinking about each other but in two completely different ways. Sammi was thinking about how much Ron had done her wrong and whether or not she could handle being with him knowing what he's done to her. Ronnie was thinking about how much he loved Sammi, but missed his time with the boys. Edward even heard Ronnie think about how disappointed he was that the new guy was cool, because it just meant one more guy that would get to go out and have fun while he stayed obediently glued to Sammi's side. The three rambunctious boys were all thinking about women; boobs, butts, and sex. Edward decided it would be best to just permanently stay out of their three brains, and Snooki and Deena's too. There wasn't much depth too their thoughts. And most of what they thought was spoken out loud anyway, so he didn't feel like he would be missing anything. Jenny, however, was much more deep. Her thoughts were all worries about her future, how her business back home was doing, and how well her sales were going. She thought about her book, working out, calling home, calling her lawyers and all the other things on her mental to-do list. While the others laughed and played like big children, Jenny stared off into space lost in her thoughts and responsibilities.

"So, what do you think, new guy?"

Edward realized he had been paying such close attention to Jenny's thoughts that he hadn't even heard the last five minutes of the conversation.

"A-about what?" Edward asked, quite caught off guard.

"Snooks tells us you are a GTL virgin. What do you say to a little gym tanning laundry, huh?" asked The Situation.

Edward hesitatingly looked outside at the setting sun. He didn't know how he would pull it off. It was 6:45pm and the sun was setting, but it was summer so there were at least two more hours of solid daylight.

"Umm," he mumbled trying to conjure up an excuse of some kind.

"Come on!" they all shouted trying to persuade him. He had done it; he had gotten them to like him. Now he had to maintain his likeability, and turning down their first invitation did not seem like a very good way to do that.

"Alright," he reluctantly agreed, and Deena and Snooki threw their chubby little arms into the air and flailed them around in excitement, squealing. Edward briefly tapped into their thoughts in order to confirm his suspicion: these two girls found Edward to be adorable and, in their little minds, considered him to be a precious little puppy that they could not help but smother with adoration and affection. _Whatever works_, Edward thought to himself.

Everyone began filing out of the kitchen and went to their rooms to go change and Edward began cleaning up dinner. The cameramen had followed the girls upstairs so he was alone. He peeked around every corner just to be sure, and when he was sure the coast was clear, he went back and forth from the table to the sink to the fridge at lighting speed and dinner was cleaned up in a matter of minutes. Now all he had to do was figure out how he was going to GTL.

**Chapter 9**

"Eddy, are you sure you want to wear all that? It's like ninety degrees outside," Snooki asked.

"Uh, yeah, I'm sure," he replied.

"Maybe he's famous or something," Deena loudly whispered to Snooki.

"I think we'd know if he was famous, Deena."

"Nuh uh, not if he's on the Discovery Channel. Do you watch the Discovery Channel? I don't think so."

"Shut up bitch, I love Shark Week!"

"Would you two shut up?" yelled The Situation, "If rookie wants to dress like that, let him dress like that."

Edward was embarrassed. He looked at everyone else's flip-flops and bare limbs. He looked down at his own dark jeans and tennis shoes. He wore a hooded sweatshirt that was extra big on him so that the sleeves would be long enough to cover his hands. He wore the hood up with large, dark sunglasses over his eyes.

"So, yeah, let's role," said The Situation.

It was just the four of them: Edward, The Situation, Snooki and Deena. Jenny wanted go shopping for a new outfit for the club that night and Pauly D and Vinny went to the beach. Needless to say Ronnie and Sammi were laying down doing nothing.

They headed out the door and Edward could immediately feel the sun and pulled his hood further up over his face to shield its rays.

"Eddy, are you afraid of the sun?" asked Deena, "because if you are you picked the wrong place to spend your summer."

"Uh, no, no," Edward answered quickly, "I just, uh, it's just that my skin is really sensitive when it gets this pale. I burn really easily. I have to ease into it, that's all."

"Ohhhhhhh," the three of them said at once.

"Well thank God we are taking you tanning," said Snooki, "you can start off in a conventional for seven minutes. Between some UV and a quadruple bronzer you should be a yummy gorilla juicehead in no time."

Edward simply nodded his head. He hadn't understood a word of what she just said. Each girl grabbed one of his hands and lovingly lead him to the car.


	4. The Fight

**Chapter 1**

I can't believe I let Alice talk me into this, Edward thought to himself as he Stared blankly ahead, grasping the steering wheel of his new, shiny black Beamer. He slowly turned his head to the left and he felt a pang of anxiety in his stomach as his eyes landed on the small jersey shore house. His new, Italian roommates were probably waiting anxiously for him at the door, curious about their new roommates identity.

Edward relaxed his shoulders momentarily and sighed nervously as he recollected how Alice had gotten him into this mess in the first place. It all started when Bella "changed". When she became a vampire and gave birth to Edwards beloved daughter. When she changed into a monster. And not the kind of monster one would naturally assume when addressing the transformation into an uncontrollable, bloodthirsty creature. No, what happened to Bella was much, much worse. When Bella "changed" she became self-absorbed attention slut with a constant desire to stir up unnecessary drama. She ended up scoring what she considered to be the role of a lifetime shortly after Reneesme's birth: MTV's Teen Mom. The ever-present film crew made Edward extremely uncomfortable but he put up with it for Bella because he was deeply and unconditionally in love with her. He doted on Bella and his daughter, despite Bella's ungrateful attitude and controlling nature. Edward was miserable but he wouldn't give up his true love and daughter for anything. But when the show aired, things changed. MTV and Bella made Edward out to be the typical, deadbeat, absentee father. They cut out any footage he was in, and when Bella was filmed without him, she was in a constant fit of tears; distraught over the fact that Reneesme deserved a better father, one who actually came around and loved Reneesme like

she loved Reneesme. When Edward calmly confronted her about it, she exploded in a fit of rage, accusing him of accusing her. The fight ended with Bella packing her things, throwing her wedding ring in Edwards face and walking out the door. Edward was defeated and chose not to chase after her. He hadn't spoken to her since, and the last he heard she was living over on the reservation with Jacob.

Edward was dangerously depressed after all this went down. Between losing Bella and receiving mountains of hate mail from angry women around the country, Edward's ego had really taken a hit. So, one night, Alice approached him with an idea: go to the jersey shore!

"It's the perfect way to move past all this," she said, "you can get away and have fun, and America will fall in love with you and your instant 15 minutes of fame will make Bella want you back!". Edward hated the idea.

"Absolutely not," he said, "I've heard of that show, those people sound ridiculous. Plus, I have a daughter to take care of, remember?"

Alice grinned and excitedly grabbed him by the shoulders and looked directly into his eyes.

"We can watch the kid, you know we love her."

Edward grabbed her by the wrists and removed them from his shoulders and asked her, "don't you think America will hate me even more if I do this? I mean, won't they think I'm even more of a deadbeat dad if I ditch my daughter to go party it up with the guidos?"

Alice threw her head back laughing.

"No! That's the greatest part of all this" she said between giggles, "this show is like magic. No one cares where these people came from; they are just immediately obsessed with them. Trust me, the next thing you know, you'll be walking red carpets, attending movie premieres, and shooting the breeze with Ellen."

"Who?"

"My point is, America and the rest of the world won't be able to resist."

Edward half smiled at her compliment and lowered his gaze downward, pondering the idea. Alice extended her hand and lifted his eyes back to hers.

"And neither will Bella," she said, "I see this working, and you need to just trust me."

**Chapter 2**

So here he was. Sitting outside of this party house that would hopefully fix the broken pieces of his life, without introducing the world to the existence of vampires. It was a risk, but one he had somehow allowed himself to believe was necessary. He went hunting right before he left and assumed he would have to hunt a couple more times during his stay at the shore, which he could sneak off and do. Luckily this particular group of people stayed awake all-night and slept throughout the entire day so he wouldn't have to worry about his secret being exposed in sunlight. He reassured himself that everything would be alright and all he needed to worry about was these people accepting him. Everyone, even Edward Cullen, knows that if you aren't liked by the rest of them, you aren't liked by anyone. Alice told him he needed to make it his ultimate goal to not be the next Angelina.

Edward got out of the car reluctantly and made his way up the steps to the front door. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door of the jersey shore house. Silence.

This surprised him because he Assumed the the eager roommates would be on the opposite side of the door, their ears pressed against it, anxiously awaiting the vibrations from approaching steps or nervous knock. However, there was not a stir. He really did not want to help himself in like the annoying, invasive new guy. After knocking a few more times, peeking through windows and circling the house for any indication of life, Edward gave up and decided he would have to just go in and awkwardly wait on the couch for the roommates to return...like an intruder.

However the door was locked. Edward quickly checked his watch. 1am. He hadn't realized he had arrived so late. He panicked for a brief moment, thinking about the possibility of being stuck out there so long that the sunrise sends his skin into a sparkle frenzy, but then Mentally calmed himself down. _I'm sure they'll be back soon_, he thought. _After all, guidos can only party so late, right_?

**Chapter 3**

Edward sat crouched beneath a tree that extended up to the front porch providing a small patch of shade from the ever-rising sun. He desperately looked at his watch for the millionth time. 5:30am. He had wedged himself tightly into the shady corner, clutching his knees to his chest and watching the sun inch closer to his body. Edward silently blamed Alice for this disaster and was about to make a break for his car when he heard the Italian stampede coming up the sidewalk and making it's way up the porch. The first to come into full sight was a tall, lean man wearing dark aviator sunglasses over his eyes, an Ed Hardy t-shirt on his back and a disheveled blonde on his arm. They drunkenly stumbled up the steps together, laughing and complementing each other on their sexiness. The man noticed Edward, who was still squatting desperately in the corner, clinging to his shrinking patch of shade. As the man quickly made his way to the door, he slid his sunglasses down to the tip of his nose and looked over them at Edward.

"Yo, Rookie!" he shouted, replacing his shades back over his eyes and clumsily unlocking the door, "The name is Situation. I assume you know where the smushing room is, and I'd appreciate it if you stayed away from there for the next couple of hours, thanks bro, catch you later!" And he disappeared into the house.

Following shortly behind were three extremely tan girls. While the shade of their skin was equally bronzed, the rest of their appearance couldn't have been any more different. The one in the middle was tall, like a model. Edward was certain, other than Bella, he had never seen a more beautiful creature. She had jet-black hair that fell loosely around her shoulders, large, fake breasts, and piercing dark eyes. She wore a skin tight, red leather dress that was cut so low in the front that the artistry of the plastic surgeon could truly be appreciated, and Edward found himself desiring to know the name of that surgeon so that he could write him a thank-you card. The one to her right was shockingly short, and just barely came up to the model's belly button. She too had jet-black hair, but hers was piled onto the back of her head in what probably was once a poof, but after a long night of partying it was now more of a birds nest. She wore a silver, strapless dress where the fabric clung tightly to her butt, then loosened around her middle section, then tightened up again around her breasts. The one on the model's left was slightly taller than the other, but with lighter hair that was thick and curly. She wore a similar dress to the other short girl, except it was turquoise blue. The two little ones were practically being carried by the model, who had her arms wrapped around each of their waists. The short ones were clearly drunk and whining loudly about one of the other roommates, and the tall one simply ignored it and led the girls into the house without even noticing Edward.

The duo that came into sight next was silent. A tall, slender, beautiful girl with dark brown hair and sweet eyes held the hand of a shorter, stout man with muscles that were piled so thickly on his arms that it made him walk with almost a kind of waddle. They both wore similar expressions that Edward could only determine to be that of silent suffering. The only noise that they created was that from walking, and they too entered the house without noticing Edward pathetically balled up in the shady corner.

He was beginning to feel hopeful. Maybe no one would notice him, and he could enter the house with the roommates already home like he had originally planned. The Situation would probably be absent and "smushing" that charming blonde and wouldn't notice the difference. But Edward was very wrong, because the next feet sprinting heavily and loudly up the steps were those of Vinny and Pauly D.

**Chapter 4!**

The two rambunctious boys literally leapt up the steps laughing and instigating each other with playful insults and congratulations on being awesome. They were so distracted with one another that Edward was convinced he would slip directly under their radar. However, just as they were about to enter the house, Vinny caught sight of Edward and stopped dead in his tracks. Vinny was of average height and build, with extremely short black hair and black eyebrows. Vinny's sudden stop nearly caused Pauly D to run right into him. Pauly D was a very tanned, toned man with the sides of his head shaved, but on the top of his head sat a thick, black mane that he had clearly spent a lot of time perfecting, as it stood perfectly straight up like grass that hadn't been cut for a few months. Both boys were also wearing Ed Hardy t-shirts, extremely clean shoes, and a wrist and neck-full of shiny jewelry. After a moment of confusion, Pauly D realized what had caused Vinny to freeze up and both boys were now looking at Edward in utter disbelief.

"Oh, hell no," said Pauly D, "this cannot be the new guy."

Edward realized how ridiculous he must look. To himself he was a broken hearted vampire trying to hold onto a secret that was centimeters away from being revealed. But to these guys and the rest of the world, he was a grown, human man, scrunched into the fetal position, with a terrified expression. He looked like the combination of an escaped psych ward patient, a homeless man, and a frightened toddler. So it was no surprise that these guys were not immediately accepting of him. He couldn't read their thoughts to determine what their analysis of him was because they were drunk. When humans drink, their thoughts are reduced to complex swirls of light, color and sound that are undecipherable to Edward's gift.

"I mean…_this guy_?" Pauly D stated again, "_this_ guy?"

"Yeah," agreed Vinny, with a bewildered look on his face, "he's so…so…"

_Weird? Awkward? Different? Ugly?_ Edward thought, attempting to predict the ultimate factor that caused him to be an instant outcast.

"Pale," said Pauly D conclusively.

Vinny nodded in agreement. The two boys stood in the doorway gawking at Edward like he was an injured animal and they weren't sure what to do next. After what felt like hours, the tension in Vinny's body loosened and he gave Edward a soft smile and said, "eh, what the hell?" as he stepped towards Edward and extended an arm, "I'm Vinny, nice to meet you bro."

Edward stared at the outstretched hand. He observed how its dark, olive color burned slightly red in the sun's rising light. Edward knew if he reached out and shook Vinny's hand in the warm sunlight he would sparkle like Diana Ross. But he knew if he didn't it would be considered a social insult and who knows what would happen after that. He panicked, unsure of what to do. The smile on Vinny's face vanished and he gave his hand a jerk, silently threatening Edward to shake it or else.

"Come on bro, I'm trying to be cool, don't you know its disrespectful to ignore a handshake when someone is welcoming into their home?" Vinny turned around to face Pauly D, searching for answers, but Pauly simply shrugged and snickered at the awkwardness of the situation and the awkwardness of Edward in general. Vinny turned back to Edward, clearly upset and disturbed by Edward's antisocial behavior.

"Bro you really don't want to be doing this on your first day, you don't disrespect your roommates on the first day," Vinny rambled, getting himself heated up and angrier by the second, "you think you're a man because you won't shake my hand, bro? For real? Get up, you little bitch, show me how manly you are, I'll take you out right now, let's go!" Vinny's hands were balled up into fists and he was anxiously hopping around the porch in circles and beating on his chest. Pauly D, still in the doorway, was roaring with laughter and encouraging Vinny's alpha male behavior. Edward was beyond panicking. He wanted to stand up and shake this guy's hand and apologize, but he couldn't. He felt so stupid curled up in that corner; unable to be a man like Vinny demanded and either shake his hand or fight. But he couldn't do either without outing an entire secret species. Edward was pretty sure if he were human he would be crying.

Suddenly Vinny was hovering about Edward, breathing heavily, Pauly's hysterical laughter looming in the background.

"I said, 'get up' you pale little bitch," and the next thing he knew, Edward's arm was clutched in Vinny's wrist and he was thrust into the sunlight. It all happened so quickly that it was over before it had a chance to begin. Edward's animalistic nature erupted and, combined with his instincts to shield his bare skin, he simultaneously threw Vinny off of him and into Pauly D, knocking the two of them into the house and onto the floor. Then, using his lightening speed, he quickly leapt from the sunlit porch into the safe, dark living room of the jersey shore house. Vinny and Pauly D attempted to collect themselves from the floor and figure out what had just happened. When they got to their feet, Edward stood in front of them, smiled slightly, extended his hand and said, "I'm Edward Cullen, nice to meet you."

**Chapter 5**

Edward kept his hand in the air, and Vinny and Pauly D stared blankly at him. Their eyes shifted back and forth from his hand to his face at least ten times. Edward's smile faded from his mouth and his confidence vanished. Finally Vinny broke the silence.

"You little bitch!"

Edward's face went from confusion to terror, as the two guidos bolted towards him, toppled him to the ground, and began blindly throwing punches at him. Edward was tempted to use his super strength once again to throw them off of him but knew he couldn't get away with it this time. So he simply had to take each punch and kick, trying to fight back in the most human-like way. His closed his eyes as fists were flying all over the place. This went on for what felt like hours.

Suddenly all the blows stopped entirely and Edward opened his eyes. He saw Vinny and Pauly D ripped away from their position on top of him and thrown into the coffee table supporting several magazines and a vase filled with dead flowers and old water. The table collapsed beneath the weight of the two boys and left them in a pile of broken wood, shattered glass and smelly, dirty liquid.

"What the fuck, Jenny?" yelled Pauly D as he examined the brown stain that now stretched across his once pure white Ed Hardy shirt.

Edward looked up to see who had broken up the fight. To his astonishment, it was the model he had seen walking into the house supporting the two dwarf girls. He was impressed by her strength. Not only had she been able to carry the dead weight of the two chunky, pint-sized guidettes up the stairs and into the house, but also she had also just lifted two grown men off the ground and hurtled them across the room. He stared at her, awestruck. She was now in little boxer shorts and a baggy t-shirt. Her make up had been washed off and her hair was now thrown into a messy ponytail. Her hands were on her hips in an authoritative way and she stared accusingly at the two boys piled on the coffee table.

"You two are a bunch of douche bags for jumping the new guy the second he walks in here! What's the matter with you?"

When she spoke, she remained very composed. Her hands remained in position and her voice was very monotone. She had a masculinity about her that Edward found intriguing and found himself unable to take his eyes off of her.

Edward stood up, dusted himself off and opened his mouth to thank the girl and introduce himself. But before he could get the words out, Vinny jumped to his feet and pointed his tan finger at Edward and looked Jenny in the eyes.

"_This_ guy started it, Jenny. He had the audacity to come up in _my_ house to _live_ here with _me_ but refuse to shake my hand like a decent human being. So I don't give a fuck," he turned to face Edward, "I'll fuckin' knock you out if you come near me ever again, okay bitch?"

And with that, he turned around to help Pauly D off of the floor and the two gave Edward a threatening look as they walked past him and disappeared up the stairs.

Jenny turned to face Edward. He couldn't help but feel excited at the fact that he was now alone with this strong, Italian angel.

**Chapter 6**

Edward opened his mouth to speak to her, but was interrupted once again.

"You know you got some nerve comin' in here refusing to shake your roommates hand. I don't know where you're from but in jersey that's not how you make friends."

Edward was taken aback. He felt like a child being scolded. He was even more frustrated because he _did_ know the importance of a handshake and was an extremely respectful person.

"I was nervous," was all he could being himself to say, "I, uh, I kind of froze up, I'm sorry."

Jenny's expression softened and she relaxed her arms to her side. The corner of her mouth crept up into a slight smile and she snickered, "yeah, I guess it is pretty intimidating coming home to a house full of drunk Italians."

Her accent was smooth and beautiful and Edward found himself wanting her to speak more, simply so he could listen to it.

"So, you are Jenny?" he asked.

"Oh, yeah, sorry," she said reaching out to shake his hand, "otherwise known as JWOWW, as I'm sure you already know."

"Uh, no, sorry, I didn't know that," Edward said awkwardly.

"Oh, really?" she asked, with a genuine tone of shock, "haven't you ever seen the show?"

"Well, no, not exactly," he responded hesitantly. The truth was, the only parts of jersey shore he had ever seen were bits and pieces he picked up from people's thoughts, and when that happened he just tried to tune it out. But JWOWW made him wish he hadn't.

"Huh," she responded, now examining him up and down suspiciously, "so, um, how come you're so white? I mean, most Italians I know aren't pale, and you are _really_ pale. You _are_ Italian…aren't you?"

"Of course."

This, of course, was a lie. When Alice applied for Edward to be on the show, she didn't consider it a lie _per say_ to tell MTV that Edward was of Italian decent, considering the Volturi live in Italy and their all from the vampire species. Alice assured Edward the connection was good enough and not to worry.

Jenny stood silently. She was clearly waiting for an explanation.

"Um, I was studying abroad in, uh, Washington. There's no sun there. Constant rain and clouds."

"You were studying abroad?"

"Uhh, yeah, uh huh."

"In Washington?"

"Yep."

She laughed. "What, don't they have tanning beds there?"

"Tanning what?"

She folded her arms across her chest and stared at Edward as though he had just told her he was recently abducted by aliens. He began to panic until she burst out into laughter.

"New guy, you are something else. If I wasn't ready to pass out, I'd probably slap you for not knowing what a tanning bed is. This is going to be an interesting couple of months, let me tell ya."

And with that, she turned around to go up the stairs and go to bed. When her back was completely turned, Edward let out a deep breath, thankful that his first traumatizing experience was over. However, he quickly inhaled again when Jenny suddenly turned back around, just before walking up the stairs.

"Oh! And new guy…"

"Yes?" Edward responded instantly with a little too much enthusiasm.

"I think The Situation has a grenade in the smushing room, which can't be too pretty. So, you probably want to stay away from that door right there," she pointed towards a door on the back wall that read "Guest Room**"**.

Edward looked at the door then turned back to look at Jenny who was smirking at him.

"You _do_ know what smushing is, don't you?" she asked sarcastically.

"Yes, yes of course. Goodnight Jenny," Edward said with an awkward wave, as she continued up the stairs and disappeared.

Edward had no clue what smushing was. Or what a grenade was. Or what a tanning bed was. He didn't know how he was going to get through this. He collapsed on the couch and buried his head in his hands. Now that he was alone physically, and mentally since he couldn't tap into people's drunken thoughts, all he could hear were muffled groans of pleasure coming from the "Guest Room". Edward looked up, smiled, relaxing a little. He had figured out what smushing was.

**Chapter 7**

Edward curled up on the couch with a blanket since he had no idea where his room was and, for the sake of the cameras, he had to look like he was sleeping. So he lay there for several hours just thinking. Thinking about Reneesme and Jenny and Bella. Thinking about Jacob and Bella. Thinking about Jacob and Bella together.

The daylight peaked at noon and then began to fade in the late afternoon. Edward didn't know how long he should pretend to be asleep, not wanting to seem abnormal at all. Around what he assumed to be 5pm, he heard footsteps come down the stairs and shuffle across the hardwood floors to the kitchen. He heard the fridge open, items shuffle around, and then a giant crash of glass against linoleum.

"WAHHHHHHHHH!"

Edward shot up suddenly, frightened by the loud wailing. He got up and ran into the kitchen where he stumbled upon one of the dwarfs from the previous night. Her close-to-orange skin, large bug eyes and squished face stared at Edward vacantly. She stood on the other side of the counter and Edward could only see above her shoulders.

"Who are you?" she asked in a high-pitched, whiny voice.

"I'm Edward, uh, the, uh new guy," he responded.

She stared at him for about thirty seconds.

"Oh."

"Yeah," said Edward. Before he could ask her what her name was, a horribly pungent odor made its way into his senses and he scrunched his face in utter disgust.

"Ugh, what _is_ that?" he shouted while covering his mouth and nose.

"WAHHHHHHHHHH!" she screamed again, throwing her head back and pointing towards the floor.

Edward rounded the corner to see the juice all over the floor and the small green pickles scattered in every direction. He looked from the disgusting mess to the girl's pouty face. He couldn't tell what she was wearing because she was wrapped up in a large, red blanket that dragged like a train behind her in the back and cover everything above her knees in the front. Her short, stubby legs protruded from slippers that were made to look like gigantic tennis shoes. Everything about this girl was petite, so these engorged shoe-slippers made her look ridiculous. However, Edward couldn't help but find her irresistibly adorable.

"You, uh, want me to clean it up?" he asked hesitantly. He knew this girl wanted him to clean it up, and she knew he would probably do it in order to earn her friendship. This girl was quickly becoming one of the smarter roommates in Edwards mind. And after last night, Edward was not going to turn down any opportunity to get on someone's good side.

The dwarf nodded happily, then lifted herself onto the countertop, dangling her silly feet off of the side. Edward began picking up the individual pickles and tossing them into the sink.

"I'm Nicole, by the way, but everybody calls me Snooki," she said in her mousey voice.

"Edward," he responded, extending a hand.

She accepted the gesture and her tiny hand felt like a baby's hand in his own, large palm. He was suddenly reminded of Reneesme and he instantly grew homesick for her. He felt himself succumbing to sadness, but then reminded himself that he was doing this for her and for their family.

"How come you're so pale?"

Edward looked up at Snooki who was observing him vigilantly.

"Uh, I was studying abroad," he said as he stood up and grabbed a roll of paper towels, then squatted again to finish the job, "in Washington state; there's no sun there."

"Yeah, but don't you GTL?"

"Pardon me?"

"OH MY GOD!" she shouted, raising her voice to a level so suddenly that it made Edward jump a little, "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT GTL IS? HOW DO YOU EVEN CONSIDER YOURSELF A GUIDO?" Snooki was laughing hysterically, apparently amused by his lack of knowledge.

"Nicole! What the FUCK!" called a voice that was both high-pitched and raspy.

The voice came from behind Edward, and he whipped around to see the source. It was the other dwarf from the previous night, the one with long, brown, curly hair. She was equally as odd looking as Snooki, but much less adorable.

Snooki threw both of her hands into the air and kicked her short little legs up and wiggled them.

"DEEEEEEENA!" she shouted, clapping her hands excitedly, "this is the new guy! He doesn't know what GTL is and he is cleaning up my pickles."

Deena shuffled her short legs over to Edward who stood up to greet her. He went to offer a handshake but instead the girl lunged her body at him, wrapping her stubby arms around his middle and shaking him violently.

"I'm Deena!" she shouted mid-hug.

"AWWWWWWWWWWWW!" wailed Snooki behind him, adoring the heartfelt moment. Then she jumped off the counter and was suddenly hugging him from behind and he was helplessly stuck between the two hugging, "awing" girls.

They were rocking him back and forth, laughing louder by the second. When they finally settled down and released him, Deena threw her long hair over her shoulder and made a pouty face.

"I'm starving," she whined.

"Me too," said Snooki, "and all my pickles are gone."

Edward was suddenly very excited to be here. He was growing very fond of these two girls and instinctually wanted to care for them, much like.

"So what'll it be ladies?" he asked, rubbing his hands together, "I'll make anything you want with whatever is in this kitchen."

**Chapter 8**

Jenny walked down the stairs to find every single one of her roommates crammed around the dinner table with a gourmet feast spread across every inch.

"What's going on?" she asked with a suspicious smile.

"New guy cooked," said Pauly D as he shoved a heap of lasagna into his mouth.

Edward and Jenny made eye contact and when she smiled approvingly, Edward shyly looked away.

"Yeah, he's even better than you, Sitch," Vinny laughed.

"Shut the hell up," said The Situation who was clearly too busy stuffing his face to worry about insults.

Jenny walked over and joined the group at the table. Everyone was there enjoying the immaculate meal. Edward was sandwiched between Snooki and Deena. Ronnie and Sammi sat on Deena's right and Pauly D, Vinny, and The Situation were on Snooki's left. Edward was happy with the arrangement, since it allowed him to look directly at Jenny when she took her place among the group. She began helping herself to some chicken potpie and joined in on the conversation.

"So I see you patched things up with Vinny," Jenny said to Edward in a borderline sarcastic tone.

"Uh, yeah," replied Edward with a chuckle, "we worked everything out."

"In other words, Vin felt like a real dumbass when he walked down here to learn pretty boy could cook," laughed Pauly D as pieces of food and spit flew out of his mouth. Edward found Pauly D to be particularly loud but didn't mind it.

"Man, shut up," yelled Vinny, "I was drunk last night so I have an excuse for acting like a dick. Plus, everyone knows the fastest way to my heart is through my stomach," and everyone burst into laughter, including Edward who was faking it for the most part, but was surprisingly enjoying himself.

"And I see you've met Mike," Jenny observed, gesturing toward The Situation. Edward nodded.

"For your information, Jenny," said The Situation sarcastically, "we met last night. When all you rude motherfuckers ignored poor Eddy, I politely welcomed him to our humble home."

Everyone began talking crap and laughing at The Situation as he began to go into detail about his night with the sloppy blonde he brought home from the club. Edward was really beginning to like this group of people. He enjoyed listening to their sober thoughts. The two dwarfs were thinking about a lot of things at once, but mostly it was sex, what they wanted to drink tonight, and sex. The two quieter ones who Edward assumed to be a couple, Ronnie and Sammi, were thinking about each other but in two completely different ways. Sammi was thinking about how much Ron had done her wrong and whether or not she could handle being with him knowing what he's done to her. Ronnie was thinking about how much he loved Sammi, but missed his time with the boys. Edward even heard Ronnie think about how disappointed he was that the new guy was cool, because it just meant one more guy that would get to go out and have fun while he stayed obediently glued to Sammi's side. The three rambunctious boys were all thinking about women; boobs, butts, and sex. Edward decided it would be best to just permanently stay out of their three brains, and Snooki and Deena's too. There wasn't much depth too their thoughts. And most of what they thought was spoken out loud anyway, so he didn't feel like he would be missing anything. Jenny, however, was much more deep. Her thoughts were all worries about her future, how her business back home was doing, and how well her sales were going. She thought about her book, working out, calling home, calling her lawyers and all the other things on her mental to-do list. While the others laughed and played like big children, Jenny stared off into space lost in her thoughts and responsibilities.

"So, what do you think, new guy?"

Edward realized he had been paying such close attention to Jenny's thoughts that he hadn't even heard the last five minutes of the conversation.

"A-about what?" Edward asked, quite caught off guard.

"Snooks tells us you are a GTL virgin. What do you say to a little gym tanning laundry, huh?" asked The Situation.

Edward hesitatingly looked outside at the setting sun. He didn't know how he would pull it off. It was 6:45pm and the sun was setting, but it was summer so there were at least two more hours of solid daylight.

"Umm," he mumbled trying to conjure up an excuse of some kind.

"Come on!" they all shouted trying to persuade him. He had done it; he had gotten them to like him. Now he had to maintain his likeability, and turning down their first invitation did not seem like a very good way to do that.

"Alright," he reluctantly agreed, and Deena and Snooki threw their chubby little arms into the air and flailed them around in excitement, squealing. Edward briefly tapped into their thoughts in order to confirm his suspicion: these two girls found Edward to be adorable and, in their little minds, considered him to be a precious little puppy that they could not help but smother with adoration and affection. _Whatever works_, Edward thought to himself.

Everyone began filing out of the kitchen and went to their rooms to go change and Edward began cleaning up dinner. The cameramen had followed the girls upstairs so he was alone. He peeked around every corner just to be sure, and when he was sure the coast was clear, he went back and forth from the table to the sink to the fridge at lighting speed and dinner was cleaned up in a matter of minutes. Now all he had to do was figure out how he was going to GTL.

**Chapter 9**

"Eddy, are you sure you want to wear all that? It's like ninety degrees outside," Snooki asked.

"Uh, yeah, I'm sure," he replied.

"Maybe he's famous or something," Deena loudly whispered to Snooki.

"I think we'd know if he was famous, Deena."

"Nuh uh, not if he's on the Discovery Channel. Do you watch the Discovery Channel? I don't think so."

"Shut up bitch, I love Shark Week!"

"Would you two shut up?" yelled The Situation, "If rookie wants to dress like that, let him dress like that."

Edward was embarrassed. He looked at everyone else's flip-flops and bare limbs. He looked down at his own dark jeans and tennis shoes. He wore a hooded sweatshirt that was extra big on him so that the sleeves would be long enough to cover his hands. He wore the hood up with large, dark sunglasses over his eyes.

"So, yeah, let's role," said The Situation.

It was just the four of them: Edward, The Situation, Snooki and Deena. Jenny wanted go shopping for a new outfit for the club that night and Pauly D and Vinny went to the beach. Needless to say Ronnie and Sammi were laying down doing nothing.

They headed out the door and Edward could immediately feel the sun and pulled his hood further up over his face to shield its rays.

"Eddy, are you afraid of the sun?" asked Deena, "because if you are you picked the wrong place to spend your summer."

"Uh, no, no," Edward answered quickly, "I just, uh, it's just that my skin is really sensitive when it gets this pale. I burn really easily. I have to ease into it, that's all."

"Ohhhhhhh," the three of them said at once.

"Well thank God we are taking you tanning," said Snooki, "you can start off in a conventional for seven minutes. Between some UV and a quadruple bronzer you should be a yummy gorilla juicehead in no time."

Edward simply nodded his head. He hadn't understood a word of what she just said. Each girl grabbed one of his hands and lovingly lead him to the car.


	5. Jenny

**Chapter 1**

I can't believe I let Alice talk me into this, Edward thought to himself as he Stared blankly ahead, grasping the steering wheel of his new, shiny black Beamer. He slowly turned his head to the left and he felt a pang of anxiety in his stomach as his eyes landed on the small jersey shore house. His new, Italian roommates were probably waiting anxiously for him at the door, curious about their new roommates identity.

Edward relaxed his shoulders momentarily and sighed nervously as he recollected how Alice had gotten him into this mess in the first place. It all started when Bella "changed". When she became a vampire and gave birth to Edwards beloved daughter. When she changed into a monster. And not the kind of monster one would naturally assume when addressing the transformation into an uncontrollable, bloodthirsty creature. No, what happened to Bella was much, much worse. When Bella "changed" she became self-absorbed attention slut with a constant desire to stir up unnecessary drama. She ended up scoring what she considered to be the role of a lifetime shortly after Reneesme's birth: MTV's Teen Mom. The ever-present film crew made Edward extremely uncomfortable but he put up with it for Bella because he was deeply and unconditionally in love with her. He doted on Bella and his daughter, despite Bella's ungrateful attitude and controlling nature. Edward was miserable but he wouldn't give up his true love and daughter for anything. But when the show aired, things changed. MTV and Bella made Edward out to be the typical, deadbeat, absentee father. They cut out any footage he was in, and when Bella was filmed without him, she was in a constant fit of tears; distraught over the fact that Reneesme deserved a better father, one who actually came around and loved Reneesme like

she loved Reneesme. When Edward calmly confronted her about it, she exploded in a fit of rage, accusing him of accusing her. The fight ended with Bella packing her things, throwing her wedding ring in Edwards face and walking out the door. Edward was defeated and chose not to chase after her. He hadn't spoken to her since, and the last he heard she was living over on the reservation with Jacob.

Edward was dangerously depressed after all this went down. Between losing Bella and receiving mountains of hate mail from angry women around the country, Edward's ego had really taken a hit. So, one night, Alice approached him with an idea: go to the jersey shore!

"It's the perfect way to move past all this," she said, "you can get away and have fun, and America will fall in love with you and your instant 15 minutes of fame will make Bella want you back!". Edward hated the idea.

"Absolutely not," he said, "I've heard of that show, those people sound ridiculous. Plus, I have a daughter to take care of, remember?"

Alice grinned and excitedly grabbed him by the shoulders and looked directly into his eyes.

"We can watch the kid, you know we love her."

Edward grabbed her by the wrists and removed them from his shoulders and asked her, "don't you think America will hate me even more if I do this? I mean, won't they think I'm even more of a deadbeat dad if I ditch my daughter to go party it up with the guidos?"

Alice threw her head back laughing.

"No! That's the greatest part of all this" she said between giggles, "this show is like magic. No one cares where these people came from; they are just immediately obsessed with them. Trust me, the next thing you know, you'll be walking red carpets, attending movie premieres, and shooting the breeze with Ellen."

"Who?"

"My point is, America and the rest of the world won't be able to resist."

Edward half smiled at her compliment and lowered his gaze downward, pondering the idea. Alice extended her hand and lifted his eyes back to hers.

"And neither will Bella," she said, "I see this working, and you need to just trust me."

**Chapter 2**

So here he was. Sitting outside of this party house that would hopefully fix the broken pieces of his life, without introducing the world to the existence of vampires. It was a risk, but one he had somehow allowed himself to believe was necessary. He went hunting right before he left and assumed he would have to hunt a couple more times during his stay at the shore, which he could sneak off and do. Luckily this particular group of people stayed awake all-night and slept throughout the entire day so he wouldn't have to worry about his secret being exposed in sunlight. He reassured himself that everything would be alright and all he needed to worry about was these people accepting him. Everyone, even Edward Cullen, knows that if you aren't liked by the rest of them, you aren't liked by anyone. Alice told him he needed to make it his ultimate goal to not be the next Angelina.

Edward got out of the car reluctantly and made his way up the steps to the front door. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door of the jersey shore house. Silence.

This surprised him because he Assumed the the eager roommates would be on the opposite side of the door, their ears pressed against it, anxiously awaiting the vibrations from approaching steps or nervous knock. However, there was not a stir. He really did not want to help himself in like the annoying, invasive new guy. After knocking a few more times, peeking through windows and circling the house for any indication of life, Edward gave up and decided he would have to just go in and awkwardly wait on the couch for the roommates to return...like an intruder.

However the door was locked. Edward quickly checked his watch. 1am. He hadn't realized he had arrived so late. He panicked for a brief moment, thinking about the possibility of being stuck out there so long that the sunrise sends his skin into a sparkle frenzy, but then Mentally calmed himself down. _I'm sure they'll be back soon_, he thought. _After all, guidos can only party so late, right_?

**Chapter 3**

Edward sat crouched beneath a tree that extended up to the front porch providing a small patch of shade from the ever-rising sun. He desperately looked at his watch for the millionth time. 5:30am. He had wedged himself tightly into the shady corner, clutching his knees to his chest and watching the sun inch closer to his body. Edward silently blamed Alice for this disaster and was about to make a break for his car when he heard the Italian stampede coming up the sidewalk and making it's way up the porch. The first to come into full sight was a tall, lean man wearing dark aviator sunglasses over his eyes, an Ed Hardy t-shirt on his back and a disheveled blonde on his arm. They drunkenly stumbled up the steps together, laughing and complementing each other on their sexiness. The man noticed Edward, who was still squatting desperately in the corner, clinging to his shrinking patch of shade. As the man quickly made his way to the door, he slid his sunglasses down to the tip of his nose and looked over them at Edward.

"Yo, Rookie!" he shouted, replacing his shades back over his eyes and clumsily unlocking the door, "The name is Situation. I assume you know where the smushing room is, and I'd appreciate it if you stayed away from there for the next couple of hours, thanks bro, catch you later!" And he disappeared into the house.

Following shortly behind were three extremely tan girls. While the shade of their skin was equally bronzed, the rest of their appearance couldn't have been any more different. The one in the middle was tall, like a model. Edward was certain, other than Bella, he had never seen a more beautiful creature. She had jet-black hair that fell loosely around her shoulders, large, fake breasts, and piercing dark eyes. She wore a skin tight, red leather dress that was cut so low in the front that the artistry of the plastic surgeon could truly be appreciated, and Edward found himself desiring to know the name of that surgeon so that he could write him a thank-you card. The one to her right was shockingly short, and just barely came up to the model's belly button. She too had jet-black hair, but hers was piled onto the back of her head in what probably was once a poof, but after a long night of partying it was now more of a birds nest. She wore a silver, strapless dress where the fabric clung tightly to her butt, then loosened around her middle section, then tightened up again around her breasts. The one on the model's left was slightly taller than the other, but with lighter hair that was thick and curly. She wore a similar dress to the other short girl, except it was turquoise blue. The two little ones were practically being carried by the model, who had her arms wrapped around each of their waists. The short ones were clearly drunk and whining loudly about one of the other roommates, and the tall one simply ignored it and led the girls into the house without even noticing Edward.

The duo that came into sight next was silent. A tall, slender, beautiful girl with dark brown hair and sweet eyes held the hand of a shorter, stout man with muscles that were piled so thickly on his arms that it made him walk with almost a kind of waddle. They both wore similar expressions that Edward could only determine to be that of silent suffering. The only noise that they created was that from walking, and they too entered the house without noticing Edward pathetically balled up in the shady corner.

He was beginning to feel hopeful. Maybe no one would notice him, and he could enter the house with the roommates already home like he had originally planned. The Situation would probably be absent and "smushing" that charming blonde and wouldn't notice the difference. But Edward was very wrong, because the next feet sprinting heavily and loudly up the steps were those of Vinny and Pauly D.

**Chapter 4!**

The two rambunctious boys literally leapt up the steps laughing and instigating each other with playful insults and congratulations on being awesome. They were so distracted with one another that Edward was convinced he would slip directly under their radar. However, just as they were about to enter the house, Vinny caught sight of Edward and stopped dead in his tracks. Vinny was of average height and build, with extremely short black hair and black eyebrows. Vinny's sudden stop nearly caused Pauly D to run right into him. Pauly D was a very tanned, toned man with the sides of his head shaved, but on the top of his head sat a thick, black mane that he had clearly spent a lot of time perfecting, as it stood perfectly straight up like grass that hadn't been cut for a few months. Both boys were also wearing Ed Hardy t-shirts, extremely clean shoes, and a wrist and neck-full of shiny jewelry. After a moment of confusion, Pauly D realized what had caused Vinny to freeze up and both boys were now looking at Edward in utter disbelief.

"Oh, hell no," said Pauly D, "this cannot be the new guy."

Edward realized how ridiculous he must look. To himself he was a broken hearted vampire trying to hold onto a secret that was centimeters away from being revealed. But to these guys and the rest of the world, he was a grown, human man, scrunched into the fetal position, with a terrified expression. He looked like the combination of an escaped psych ward patient, a homeless man, and a frightened toddler. So it was no surprise that these guys were not immediately accepting of him. He couldn't read their thoughts to determine what their analysis of him was because they were drunk. When humans drink, their thoughts are reduced to complex swirls of light, color and sound that are undecipherable to Edward's gift.

"I mean…_this guy_?" Pauly D stated again, "_this_ guy?"

"Yeah," agreed Vinny, with a bewildered look on his face, "he's so…so…"

_Weird? Awkward? Different? Ugly?_ Edward thought, attempting to predict the ultimate factor that caused him to be an instant outcast.

"Pale," said Pauly D conclusively.

Vinny nodded in agreement. The two boys stood in the doorway gawking at Edward like he was an injured animal and they weren't sure what to do next. After what felt like hours, the tension in Vinny's body loosened and he gave Edward a soft smile and said, "eh, what the hell?" as he stepped towards Edward and extended an arm, "I'm Vinny, nice to meet you bro."

Edward stared at the outstretched hand. He observed how its dark, olive color burned slightly red in the sun's rising light. Edward knew if he reached out and shook Vinny's hand in the warm sunlight he would sparkle like Diana Ross. But he knew if he didn't it would be considered a social insult and who knows what would happen after that. He panicked, unsure of what to do. The smile on Vinny's face vanished and he gave his hand a jerk, silently threatening Edward to shake it or else.

"Come on bro, I'm trying to be cool, don't you know its disrespectful to ignore a handshake when someone is welcoming into their home?" Vinny turned around to face Pauly D, searching for answers, but Pauly simply shrugged and snickered at the awkwardness of the situation and the awkwardness of Edward in general. Vinny turned back to Edward, clearly upset and disturbed by Edward's antisocial behavior.

"Bro you really don't want to be doing this on your first day, you don't disrespect your roommates on the first day," Vinny rambled, getting himself heated up and angrier by the second, "you think you're a man because you won't shake my hand, bro? For real? Get up, you little bitch, show me how manly you are, I'll take you out right now, let's go!" Vinny's hands were balled up into fists and he was anxiously hopping around the porch in circles and beating on his chest. Pauly D, still in the doorway, was roaring with laughter and encouraging Vinny's alpha male behavior. Edward was beyond panicking. He wanted to stand up and shake this guy's hand and apologize, but he couldn't. He felt so stupid curled up in that corner; unable to be a man like Vinny demanded and either shake his hand or fight. But he couldn't do either without outing an entire secret species. Edward was pretty sure if he were human he would be crying.

Suddenly Vinny was hovering about Edward, breathing heavily, Pauly's hysterical laughter looming in the background.

"I said, 'get up' you pale little bitch," and the next thing he knew, Edward's arm was clutched in Vinny's wrist and he was thrust into the sunlight. It all happened so quickly that it was over before it had a chance to begin. Edward's animalistic nature erupted and, combined with his instincts to shield his bare skin, he simultaneously threw Vinny off of him and into Pauly D, knocking the two of them into the house and onto the floor. Then, using his lightening speed, he quickly leapt from the sunlit porch into the safe, dark living room of the jersey shore house. Vinny and Pauly D attempted to collect themselves from the floor and figure out what had just happened. When they got to their feet, Edward stood in front of them, smiled slightly, extended his hand and said, "I'm Edward Cullen, nice to meet you."

**Chapter 5**

Edward kept his hand in the air, and Vinny and Pauly D stared blankly at him. Their eyes shifted back and forth from his hand to his face at least ten times. Edward's smile faded from his mouth and his confidence vanished. Finally Vinny broke the silence.

"You little bitch!"

Edward's face went from confusion to terror, as the two guidos bolted towards him, toppled him to the ground, and began blindly throwing punches at him. Edward was tempted to use his super strength once again to throw them off of him but knew he couldn't get away with it this time. So he simply had to take each punch and kick, trying to fight back in the most human-like way. His closed his eyes as fists were flying all over the place. This went on for what felt like hours.

Suddenly all the blows stopped entirely and Edward opened his eyes. He saw Vinny and Pauly D ripped away from their position on top of him and thrown into the coffee table supporting several magazines and a vase filled with dead flowers and old water. The table collapsed beneath the weight of the two boys and left them in a pile of broken wood, shattered glass and smelly, dirty liquid.

"What the fuck, Jenny?" yelled Pauly D as he examined the brown stain that now stretched across his once pure white Ed Hardy shirt.

Edward looked up to see who had broken up the fight. To his astonishment, it was the model he had seen walking into the house supporting the two dwarf girls. He was impressed by her strength. Not only had she been able to carry the dead weight of the two chunky, pint-sized guidettes up the stairs and into the house, but also she had also just lifted two grown men off the ground and hurtled them across the room. He stared at her, awestruck. She was now in little boxer shorts and a baggy t-shirt. Her make up had been washed off and her hair was now thrown into a messy ponytail. Her hands were on her hips in an authoritative way and she stared accusingly at the two boys piled on the coffee table.

"You two are a bunch of douche bags for jumping the new guy the second he walks in here! What's the matter with you?"

When she spoke, she remained very composed. Her hands remained in position and her voice was very monotone. She had a masculinity about her that Edward found intriguing and found himself unable to take his eyes off of her.

Edward stood up, dusted himself off and opened his mouth to thank the girl and introduce himself. But before he could get the words out, Vinny jumped to his feet and pointed his tan finger at Edward and looked Jenny in the eyes.

"_This_ guy started it, Jenny. He had the audacity to come up in _my_ house to _live_ here with _me_ but refuse to shake my hand like a decent human being. So I don't give a fuck," he turned to face Edward, "I'll fuckin' knock you out if you come near me ever again, okay bitch?"

And with that, he turned around to help Pauly D off of the floor and the two gave Edward a threatening look as they walked past him and disappeared up the stairs.

Jenny turned to face Edward. He couldn't help but feel excited at the fact that he was now alone with this strong, Italian angel.

**Chapter 6**

Edward opened his mouth to speak to her, but was interrupted once again.

"You know you got some nerve comin' in here refusing to shake your roommates hand. I don't know where you're from but in jersey that's not how you make friends."

Edward was taken aback. He felt like a child being scolded. He was even more frustrated because he _did_ know the importance of a handshake and was an extremely respectful person.

"I was nervous," was all he could being himself to say, "I, uh, I kind of froze up, I'm sorry."

Jenny's expression softened and she relaxed her arms to her side. The corner of her mouth crept up into a slight smile and she snickered, "yeah, I guess it is pretty intimidating coming home to a house full of drunk Italians."

Her accent was smooth and beautiful and Edward found himself wanting her to speak more, simply so he could listen to it.

"So, you are Jenny?" he asked.

"Oh, yeah, sorry," she said reaching out to shake his hand, "otherwise known as JWOWW, as I'm sure you already know."

"Uh, no, sorry, I didn't know that," Edward said awkwardly.

"Oh, really?" she asked, with a genuine tone of shock, "haven't you ever seen the show?"

"Well, no, not exactly," he responded hesitantly. The truth was, the only parts of jersey shore he had ever seen were bits and pieces he picked up from people's thoughts, and when that happened he just tried to tune it out. But JWOWW made him wish he hadn't.

"Huh," she responded, now examining him up and down suspiciously, "so, um, how come you're so white? I mean, most Italians I know aren't pale, and you are _really_ pale. You _are_ Italian…aren't you?"

"Of course."

This, of course, was a lie. When Alice applied for Edward to be on the show, she didn't consider it a lie _per say_ to tell MTV that Edward was of Italian decent, considering the Volturi live in Italy and their all from the vampire species. Alice assured Edward the connection was good enough and not to worry.

Jenny stood silently. She was clearly waiting for an explanation.

"Um, I was studying abroad in, uh, Washington. There's no sun there. Constant rain and clouds."

"You were studying abroad?"

"Uhh, yeah, uh huh."

"In Washington?"

"Yep."

She laughed. "What, don't they have tanning beds there?"

"Tanning what?"

She folded her arms across her chest and stared at Edward as though he had just told her he was recently abducted by aliens. He began to panic until she burst out into laughter.

"New guy, you are something else. If I wasn't ready to pass out, I'd probably slap you for not knowing what a tanning bed is. This is going to be an interesting couple of months, let me tell ya."

And with that, she turned around to go up the stairs and go to bed. When her back was completely turned, Edward let out a deep breath, thankful that his first traumatizing experience was over. However, he quickly inhaled again when Jenny suddenly turned back around, just before walking up the stairs.

"Oh! And new guy…"

"Yes?" Edward responded instantly with a little too much enthusiasm.

"I think The Situation has a grenade in the smushing room, which can't be too pretty. So, you probably want to stay away from that door right there," she pointed towards a door on the back wall that read "Guest Room**"**.

Edward looked at the door then turned back to look at Jenny who was smirking at him.

"You _do_ know what smushing is, don't you?" she asked sarcastically.

"Yes, yes of course. Goodnight Jenny," Edward said with an awkward wave, as she continued up the stairs and disappeared.

Edward had no clue what smushing was. Or what a grenade was. Or what a tanning bed was. He didn't know how he was going to get through this. He collapsed on the couch and buried his head in his hands. Now that he was alone physically, and mentally since he couldn't tap into people's drunken thoughts, all he could hear were muffled groans of pleasure coming from the "Guest Room". Edward looked up, smiled, relaxing a little. He had figured out what smushing was.

**Chapter 7**

Edward curled up on the couch with a blanket since he had no idea where his room was and, for the sake of the cameras, he had to look like he was sleeping. So he lay there for several hours just thinking. Thinking about Reneesme and Jenny and Bella. Thinking about Jacob and Bella. Thinking about Jacob and Bella together.

The daylight peaked at noon and then began to fade in the late afternoon. Edward didn't know how long he should pretend to be asleep, not wanting to seem abnormal at all. Around what he assumed to be 5pm, he heard footsteps come down the stairs and shuffle across the hardwood floors to the kitchen. He heard the fridge open, items shuffle around, and then a giant crash of glass against linoleum.

"WAHHHHHHHHH!"

Edward shot up suddenly, frightened by the loud wailing. He got up and ran into the kitchen where he stumbled upon one of the dwarfs from the previous night. Her close-to-orange skin, large bug eyes and squished face stared at Edward vacantly. She stood on the other side of the counter and Edward could only see above her shoulders.

"Who are you?" she asked in a high-pitched, whiny voice.

"I'm Edward, uh, the, uh new guy," he responded.

She stared at him for about thirty seconds.

"Oh."

"Yeah," said Edward. Before he could ask her what her name was, a horribly pungent odor made its way into his senses and he scrunched his face in utter disgust.

"Ugh, what _is_ that?" he shouted while covering his mouth and nose.

"WAHHHHHHHHHH!" she screamed again, throwing her head back and pointing towards the floor.

Edward rounded the corner to see the juice all over the floor and the small green pickles scattered in every direction. He looked from the disgusting mess to the girl's pouty face. He couldn't tell what she was wearing because she was wrapped up in a large, red blanket that dragged like a train behind her in the back and cover everything above her knees in the front. Her short, stubby legs protruded from slippers that were made to look like gigantic tennis shoes. Everything about this girl was petite, so these engorged shoe-slippers made her look ridiculous. However, Edward couldn't help but find her irresistibly adorable.

"You, uh, want me to clean it up?" he asked hesitantly. He knew this girl wanted him to clean it up, and she knew he would probably do it in order to earn her friendship. This girl was quickly becoming one of the smarter roommates in Edwards mind. And after last night, Edward was not going to turn down any opportunity to get on someone's good side.

The dwarf nodded happily, then lifted herself onto the countertop, dangling her silly feet off of the side. Edward began picking up the individual pickles and tossing them into the sink.

"I'm Nicole, by the way, but everybody calls me Snooki," she said in her mousey voice.

"Edward," he responded, extending a hand.

She accepted the gesture and her tiny hand felt like a baby's hand in his own, large palm. He was suddenly reminded of Reneesme and he instantly grew homesick for her. He felt himself succumbing to sadness, but then reminded himself that he was doing this for her and for their family.

"How come you're so pale?"

Edward looked up at Snooki who was observing him vigilantly.

"Uh, I was studying abroad," he said as he stood up and grabbed a roll of paper towels, then squatted again to finish the job, "in Washington state; there's no sun there."

"Yeah, but don't you GTL?"

"Pardon me?"

"OH MY GOD!" she shouted, raising her voice to a level so suddenly that it made Edward jump a little, "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT GTL IS? HOW DO YOU EVEN CONSIDER YOURSELF A GUIDO?" Snooki was laughing hysterically, apparently amused by his lack of knowledge.

"Nicole! What the FUCK!" called a voice that was both high-pitched and raspy.

The voice came from behind Edward, and he whipped around to see the source. It was the other dwarf from the previous night, the one with long, brown, curly hair. She was equally as odd looking as Snooki, but much less adorable.

Snooki threw both of her hands into the air and kicked her short little legs up and wiggled them.

"DEEEEEEENA!" she shouted, clapping her hands excitedly, "this is the new guy! He doesn't know what GTL is and he is cleaning up my pickles."

Deena shuffled her short legs over to Edward who stood up to greet her. He went to offer a handshake but instead the girl lunged her body at him, wrapping her stubby arms around his middle and shaking him violently.

"I'm Deena!" she shouted mid-hug.

"AWWWWWWWWWWWW!" wailed Snooki behind him, adoring the heartfelt moment. Then she jumped off the counter and was suddenly hugging him from behind and he was helplessly stuck between the two hugging, "awing" girls.

They were rocking him back and forth, laughing louder by the second. When they finally settled down and released him, Deena threw her long hair over her shoulder and made a pouty face.

"I'm starving," she whined.

"Me too," said Snooki, "and all my pickles are gone."

Edward was suddenly very excited to be here. He was growing very fond of these two girls and instinctually wanted to care for them, much like.

"So what'll it be ladies?" he asked, rubbing his hands together, "I'll make anything you want with whatever is in this kitchen."

**Chapter 8**

Jenny walked down the stairs to find every single one of her roommates crammed around the dinner table with a gourmet feast spread across every inch.

"What's going on?" she asked with a suspicious smile.

"New guy cooked," said Pauly D as he shoved a heap of lasagna into his mouth.

Edward and Jenny made eye contact and when she smiled approvingly, Edward shyly looked away.

"Yeah, he's even better than you, Sitch," Vinny laughed.

"Shut the hell up," said The Situation who was clearly too busy stuffing his face to worry about insults.

Jenny walked over and joined the group at the table. Everyone was there enjoying the immaculate meal. Edward was sandwiched between Snooki and Deena. Ronnie and Sammi sat on Deena's right and Pauly D, Vinny, and The Situation were on Snooki's left. Edward was happy with the arrangement, since it allowed him to look directly at Jenny when she took her place among the group. She began helping herself to some chicken potpie and joined in on the conversation.

"So I see you patched things up with Vinny," Jenny said to Edward in a borderline sarcastic tone.

"Uh, yeah," replied Edward with a chuckle, "we worked everything out."

"In other words, Vin felt like a real dumbass when he walked down here to learn pretty boy could cook," laughed Pauly D as pieces of food and spit flew out of his mouth. Edward found Pauly D to be particularly loud but didn't mind it.

"Man, shut up," yelled Vinny, "I was drunk last night so I have an excuse for acting like a dick. Plus, everyone knows the fastest way to my heart is through my stomach," and everyone burst into laughter, including Edward who was faking it for the most part, but was surprisingly enjoying himself.

"And I see you've met Mike," Jenny observed, gesturing toward The Situation. Edward nodded.

"For your information, Jenny," said The Situation sarcastically, "we met last night. When all you rude motherfuckers ignored poor Eddy, I politely welcomed him to our humble home."

Everyone began talking crap and laughing at The Situation as he began to go into detail about his night with the sloppy blonde he brought home from the club. Edward was really beginning to like this group of people. He enjoyed listening to their sober thoughts. The two dwarfs were thinking about a lot of things at once, but mostly it was sex, what they wanted to drink tonight, and sex. The two quieter ones who Edward assumed to be a couple, Ronnie and Sammi, were thinking about each other but in two completely different ways. Sammi was thinking about how much Ron had done her wrong and whether or not she could handle being with him knowing what he's done to her. Ronnie was thinking about how much he loved Sammi, but missed his time with the boys. Edward even heard Ronnie think about how disappointed he was that the new guy was cool, because it just meant one more guy that would get to go out and have fun while he stayed obediently glued to Sammi's side. The three rambunctious boys were all thinking about women; boobs, butts, and sex. Edward decided it would be best to just permanently stay out of their three brains, and Snooki and Deena's too. There wasn't much depth too their thoughts. And most of what they thought was spoken out loud anyway, so he didn't feel like he would be missing anything. Jenny, however, was much more deep. Her thoughts were all worries about her future, how her business back home was doing, and how well her sales were going. She thought about her book, working out, calling home, calling her lawyers and all the other things on her mental to-do list. While the others laughed and played like big children, Jenny stared off into space lost in her thoughts and responsibilities.

"So, what do you think, new guy?"

Edward realized he had been paying such close attention to Jenny's thoughts that he hadn't even heard the last five minutes of the conversation.

"A-about what?" Edward asked, quite caught off guard.

"Snooks tells us you are a GTL virgin. What do you say to a little gym tanning laundry, huh?" asked The Situation.

Edward hesitatingly looked outside at the setting sun. He didn't know how he would pull it off. It was 6:45pm and the sun was setting, but it was summer so there were at least two more hours of solid daylight.

"Umm," he mumbled trying to conjure up an excuse of some kind.

"Come on!" they all shouted trying to persuade him. He had done it; he had gotten them to like him. Now he had to maintain his likeability, and turning down their first invitation did not seem like a very good way to do that.

"Alright," he reluctantly agreed, and Deena and Snooki threw their chubby little arms into the air and flailed them around in excitement, squealing. Edward briefly tapped into their thoughts in order to confirm his suspicion: these two girls found Edward to be adorable and, in their little minds, considered him to be a precious little puppy that they could not help but smother with adoration and affection. _Whatever works_, Edward thought to himself.

Everyone began filing out of the kitchen and went to their rooms to go change and Edward began cleaning up dinner. The cameramen had followed the girls upstairs so he was alone. He peeked around every corner just to be sure, and when he was sure the coast was clear, he went back and forth from the table to the sink to the fridge at lighting speed and dinner was cleaned up in a matter of minutes. Now all he had to do was figure out how he was going to GTL.

**Chapter 9**

"Eddy, are you sure you want to wear all that? It's like ninety degrees outside," Snooki asked.

"Uh, yeah, I'm sure," he replied.

"Maybe he's famous or something," Deena loudly whispered to Snooki.

"I think we'd know if he was famous, Deena."

"Nuh uh, not if he's on the Discovery Channel. Do you watch the Discovery Channel? I don't think so."

"Shut up bitch, I love Shark Week!"

"Would you two shut up?" yelled The Situation, "If rookie wants to dress like that, let him dress like that."

Edward was embarrassed. He looked at everyone else's flip-flops and bare limbs. He looked down at his own dark jeans and tennis shoes. He wore a hooded sweatshirt that was extra big on him so that the sleeves would be long enough to cover his hands. He wore the hood up with large, dark sunglasses over his eyes.

"So, yeah, let's role," said The Situation.

It was just the four of them: Edward, The Situation, Snooki and Deena. Jenny wanted go shopping for a new outfit for the club that night and Pauly D and Vinny went to the beach. Needless to say Ronnie and Sammi were laying down doing nothing.

They headed out the door and Edward could immediately feel the sun and pulled his hood further up over his face to shield its rays.

"Eddy, are you afraid of the sun?" asked Deena, "because if you are you picked the wrong place to spend your summer."

"Uh, no, no," Edward answered quickly, "I just, uh, it's just that my skin is really sensitive when it gets this pale. I burn really easily. I have to ease into it, that's all."

"Ohhhhhhh," the three of them said at once.

"Well thank God we are taking you tanning," said Snooki, "you can start off in a conventional for seven minutes. Between some UV and a quadruple bronzer you should be a yummy gorilla juicehead in no time."

Edward simply nodded his head. He hadn't understood a word of what she just said. Each girl grabbed one of his hands and lovingly lead him to the car.


	6. Smushing

**Chapter 1**

I can't believe I let Alice talk me into this, Edward thought to himself as he Stared blankly ahead, grasping the steering wheel of his new, shiny black Beamer. He slowly turned his head to the left and he felt a pang of anxiety in his stomach as his eyes landed on the small jersey shore house. His new, Italian roommates were probably waiting anxiously for him at the door, curious about their new roommates identity.

Edward relaxed his shoulders momentarily and sighed nervously as he recollected how Alice had gotten him into this mess in the first place. It all started when Bella "changed". When she became a vampire and gave birth to Edwards beloved daughter. When she changed into a monster. And not the kind of monster one would naturally assume when addressing the transformation into an uncontrollable, bloodthirsty creature. No, what happened to Bella was much, much worse. When Bella "changed" she became self-absorbed attention slut with a constant desire to stir up unnecessary drama. She ended up scoring what she considered to be the role of a lifetime shortly after Reneesme's birth: MTV's Teen Mom. The ever-present film crew made Edward extremely uncomfortable but he put up with it for Bella because he was deeply and unconditionally in love with her. He doted on Bella and his daughter, despite Bella's ungrateful attitude and controlling nature. Edward was miserable but he wouldn't give up his true love and daughter for anything. But when the show aired, things changed. MTV and Bella made Edward out to be the typical, deadbeat, absentee father. They cut out any footage he was in, and when Bella was filmed without him, she was in a constant fit of tears; distraught over the fact that Reneesme deserved a better father, one who actually came around and loved Reneesme like

she loved Reneesme. When Edward calmly confronted her about it, she exploded in a fit of rage, accusing him of accusing her. The fight ended with Bella packing her things, throwing her wedding ring in Edwards face and walking out the door. Edward was defeated and chose not to chase after her. He hadn't spoken to her since, and the last he heard she was living over on the reservation with Jacob.

Edward was dangerously depressed after all this went down. Between losing Bella and receiving mountains of hate mail from angry women around the country, Edward's ego had really taken a hit. So, one night, Alice approached him with an idea: go to the jersey shore!

"It's the perfect way to move past all this," she said, "you can get away and have fun, and America will fall in love with you and your instant 15 minutes of fame will make Bella want you back!". Edward hated the idea.

"Absolutely not," he said, "I've heard of that show, those people sound ridiculous. Plus, I have a daughter to take care of, remember?"

Alice grinned and excitedly grabbed him by the shoulders and looked directly into his eyes.

"We can watch the kid, you know we love her."

Edward grabbed her by the wrists and removed them from his shoulders and asked her, "don't you think America will hate me even more if I do this? I mean, won't they think I'm even more of a deadbeat dad if I ditch my daughter to go party it up with the guidos?"

Alice threw her head back laughing.

"No! That's the greatest part of all this" she said between giggles, "this show is like magic. No one cares where these people came from; they are just immediately obsessed with them. Trust me, the next thing you know, you'll be walking red carpets, attending movie premieres, and shooting the breeze with Ellen."

"Who?"

"My point is, America and the rest of the world won't be able to resist."

Edward half smiled at her compliment and lowered his gaze downward, pondering the idea. Alice extended her hand and lifted his eyes back to hers.

"And neither will Bella," she said, "I see this working, and you need to just trust me."

**Chapter 2**

So here he was. Sitting outside of this party house that would hopefully fix the broken pieces of his life, without introducing the world to the existence of vampires. It was a risk, but one he had somehow allowed himself to believe was necessary. He went hunting right before he left and assumed he would have to hunt a couple more times during his stay at the shore, which he could sneak off and do. Luckily this particular group of people stayed awake all-night and slept throughout the entire day so he wouldn't have to worry about his secret being exposed in sunlight. He reassured himself that everything would be alright and all he needed to worry about was these people accepting him. Everyone, even Edward Cullen, knows that if you aren't liked by the rest of them, you aren't liked by anyone. Alice told him he needed to make it his ultimate goal to not be the next Angelina.

Edward got out of the car reluctantly and made his way up the steps to the front door. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door of the jersey shore house. Silence.

This surprised him because he Assumed the the eager roommates would be on the opposite side of the door, their ears pressed against it, anxiously awaiting the vibrations from approaching steps or nervous knock. However, there was not a stir. He really did not want to help himself in like the annoying, invasive new guy. After knocking a few more times, peeking through windows and circling the house for any indication of life, Edward gave up and decided he would have to just go in and awkwardly wait on the couch for the roommates to return...like an intruder.

However the door was locked. Edward quickly checked his watch. 1am. He hadn't realized he had arrived so late. He panicked for a brief moment, thinking about the possibility of being stuck out there so long that the sunrise sends his skin into a sparkle frenzy, but then Mentally calmed himself down. _I'm sure they'll be back soon_, he thought. _After all, guidos can only party so late, right_?

**Chapter 3**

Edward sat crouched beneath a tree that extended up to the front porch providing a small patch of shade from the ever-rising sun. He desperately looked at his watch for the millionth time. 5:30am. He had wedged himself tightly into the shady corner, clutching his knees to his chest and watching the sun inch closer to his body. Edward silently blamed Alice for this disaster and was about to make a break for his car when he heard the Italian stampede coming up the sidewalk and making it's way up the porch. The first to come into full sight was a tall, lean man wearing dark aviator sunglasses over his eyes, an Ed Hardy t-shirt on his back and a disheveled blonde on his arm. They drunkenly stumbled up the steps together, laughing and complementing each other on their sexiness. The man noticed Edward, who was still squatting desperately in the corner, clinging to his shrinking patch of shade. As the man quickly made his way to the door, he slid his sunglasses down to the tip of his nose and looked over them at Edward.

"Yo, Rookie!" he shouted, replacing his shades back over his eyes and clumsily unlocking the door, "The name is Situation. I assume you know where the smushing room is, and I'd appreciate it if you stayed away from there for the next couple of hours, thanks bro, catch you later!" And he disappeared into the house.

Following shortly behind were three extremely tan girls. While the shade of their skin was equally bronzed, the rest of their appearance couldn't have been any more different. The one in the middle was tall, like a model. Edward was certain, other than Bella, he had never seen a more beautiful creature. She had jet-black hair that fell loosely around her shoulders, large, fake breasts, and piercing dark eyes. She wore a skin tight, red leather dress that was cut so low in the front that the artistry of the plastic surgeon could truly be appreciated, and Edward found himself desiring to know the name of that surgeon so that he could write him a thank-you card. The one to her right was shockingly short, and just barely came up to the model's belly button. She too had jet-black hair, but hers was piled onto the back of her head in what probably was once a poof, but after a long night of partying it was now more of a birds nest. She wore a silver, strapless dress where the fabric clung tightly to her butt, then loosened around her middle section, then tightened up again around her breasts. The one on the model's left was slightly taller than the other, but with lighter hair that was thick and curly. She wore a similar dress to the other short girl, except it was turquoise blue. The two little ones were practically being carried by the model, who had her arms wrapped around each of their waists. The short ones were clearly drunk and whining loudly about one of the other roommates, and the tall one simply ignored it and led the girls into the house without even noticing Edward.

The duo that came into sight next was silent. A tall, slender, beautiful girl with dark brown hair and sweet eyes held the hand of a shorter, stout man with muscles that were piled so thickly on his arms that it made him walk with almost a kind of waddle. They both wore similar expressions that Edward could only determine to be that of silent suffering. The only noise that they created was that from walking, and they too entered the house without noticing Edward pathetically balled up in the shady corner.

He was beginning to feel hopeful. Maybe no one would notice him, and he could enter the house with the roommates already home like he had originally planned. The Situation would probably be absent and "smushing" that charming blonde and wouldn't notice the difference. But Edward was very wrong, because the next feet sprinting heavily and loudly up the steps were those of Vinny and Pauly D.

**Chapter 4!**

The two rambunctious boys literally leapt up the steps laughing and instigating each other with playful insults and congratulations on being awesome. They were so distracted with one another that Edward was convinced he would slip directly under their radar. However, just as they were about to enter the house, Vinny caught sight of Edward and stopped dead in his tracks. Vinny was of average height and build, with extremely short black hair and black eyebrows. Vinny's sudden stop nearly caused Pauly D to run right into him. Pauly D was a very tanned, toned man with the sides of his head shaved, but on the top of his head sat a thick, black mane that he had clearly spent a lot of time perfecting, as it stood perfectly straight up like grass that hadn't been cut for a few months. Both boys were also wearing Ed Hardy t-shirts, extremely clean shoes, and a wrist and neck-full of shiny jewelry. After a moment of confusion, Pauly D realized what had caused Vinny to freeze up and both boys were now looking at Edward in utter disbelief.

"Oh, hell no," said Pauly D, "this cannot be the new guy."

Edward realized how ridiculous he must look. To himself he was a broken hearted vampire trying to hold onto a secret that was centimeters away from being revealed. But to these guys and the rest of the world, he was a grown, human man, scrunched into the fetal position, with a terrified expression. He looked like the combination of an escaped psych ward patient, a homeless man, and a frightened toddler. So it was no surprise that these guys were not immediately accepting of him. He couldn't read their thoughts to determine what their analysis of him was because they were drunk. When humans drink, their thoughts are reduced to complex swirls of light, color and sound that are undecipherable to Edward's gift.

"I mean…_this guy_?" Pauly D stated again, "_this_ guy?"

"Yeah," agreed Vinny, with a bewildered look on his face, "he's so…so…"

_Weird? Awkward? Different? Ugly?_ Edward thought, attempting to predict the ultimate factor that caused him to be an instant outcast.

"Pale," said Pauly D conclusively.

Vinny nodded in agreement. The two boys stood in the doorway gawking at Edward like he was an injured animal and they weren't sure what to do next. After what felt like hours, the tension in Vinny's body loosened and he gave Edward a soft smile and said, "eh, what the hell?" as he stepped towards Edward and extended an arm, "I'm Vinny, nice to meet you bro."

Edward stared at the outstretched hand. He observed how its dark, olive color burned slightly red in the sun's rising light. Edward knew if he reached out and shook Vinny's hand in the warm sunlight he would sparkle like Diana Ross. But he knew if he didn't it would be considered a social insult and who knows what would happen after that. He panicked, unsure of what to do. The smile on Vinny's face vanished and he gave his hand a jerk, silently threatening Edward to shake it or else.

"Come on bro, I'm trying to be cool, don't you know its disrespectful to ignore a handshake when someone is welcoming into their home?" Vinny turned around to face Pauly D, searching for answers, but Pauly simply shrugged and snickered at the awkwardness of the situation and the awkwardness of Edward in general. Vinny turned back to Edward, clearly upset and disturbed by Edward's antisocial behavior.

"Bro you really don't want to be doing this on your first day, you don't disrespect your roommates on the first day," Vinny rambled, getting himself heated up and angrier by the second, "you think you're a man because you won't shake my hand, bro? For real? Get up, you little bitch, show me how manly you are, I'll take you out right now, let's go!" Vinny's hands were balled up into fists and he was anxiously hopping around the porch in circles and beating on his chest. Pauly D, still in the doorway, was roaring with laughter and encouraging Vinny's alpha male behavior. Edward was beyond panicking. He wanted to stand up and shake this guy's hand and apologize, but he couldn't. He felt so stupid curled up in that corner; unable to be a man like Vinny demanded and either shake his hand or fight. But he couldn't do either without outing an entire secret species. Edward was pretty sure if he were human he would be crying.

Suddenly Vinny was hovering about Edward, breathing heavily, Pauly's hysterical laughter looming in the background.

"I said, 'get up' you pale little bitch," and the next thing he knew, Edward's arm was clutched in Vinny's wrist and he was thrust into the sunlight. It all happened so quickly that it was over before it had a chance to begin. Edward's animalistic nature erupted and, combined with his instincts to shield his bare skin, he simultaneously threw Vinny off of him and into Pauly D, knocking the two of them into the house and onto the floor. Then, using his lightening speed, he quickly leapt from the sunlit porch into the safe, dark living room of the jersey shore house. Vinny and Pauly D attempted to collect themselves from the floor and figure out what had just happened. When they got to their feet, Edward stood in front of them, smiled slightly, extended his hand and said, "I'm Edward Cullen, nice to meet you."

**Chapter 5**

Edward kept his hand in the air, and Vinny and Pauly D stared blankly at him. Their eyes shifted back and forth from his hand to his face at least ten times. Edward's smile faded from his mouth and his confidence vanished. Finally Vinny broke the silence.

"You little bitch!"

Edward's face went from confusion to terror, as the two guidos bolted towards him, toppled him to the ground, and began blindly throwing punches at him. Edward was tempted to use his super strength once again to throw them off of him but knew he couldn't get away with it this time. So he simply had to take each punch and kick, trying to fight back in the most human-like way. His closed his eyes as fists were flying all over the place. This went on for what felt like hours.

Suddenly all the blows stopped entirely and Edward opened his eyes. He saw Vinny and Pauly D ripped away from their position on top of him and thrown into the coffee table supporting several magazines and a vase filled with dead flowers and old water. The table collapsed beneath the weight of the two boys and left them in a pile of broken wood, shattered glass and smelly, dirty liquid.

"What the fuck, Jenny?" yelled Pauly D as he examined the brown stain that now stretched across his once pure white Ed Hardy shirt.

Edward looked up to see who had broken up the fight. To his astonishment, it was the model he had seen walking into the house supporting the two dwarf girls. He was impressed by her strength. Not only had she been able to carry the dead weight of the two chunky, pint-sized guidettes up the stairs and into the house, but also she had also just lifted two grown men off the ground and hurtled them across the room. He stared at her, awestruck. She was now in little boxer shorts and a baggy t-shirt. Her make up had been washed off and her hair was now thrown into a messy ponytail. Her hands were on her hips in an authoritative way and she stared accusingly at the two boys piled on the coffee table.

"You two are a bunch of douche bags for jumping the new guy the second he walks in here! What's the matter with you?"

When she spoke, she remained very composed. Her hands remained in position and her voice was very monotone. She had a masculinity about her that Edward found intriguing and found himself unable to take his eyes off of her.

Edward stood up, dusted himself off and opened his mouth to thank the girl and introduce himself. But before he could get the words out, Vinny jumped to his feet and pointed his tan finger at Edward and looked Jenny in the eyes.

"_This_ guy started it, Jenny. He had the audacity to come up in _my_ house to _live_ here with _me_ but refuse to shake my hand like a decent human being. So I don't give a fuck," he turned to face Edward, "I'll fuckin' knock you out if you come near me ever again, okay bitch?"

And with that, he turned around to help Pauly D off of the floor and the two gave Edward a threatening look as they walked past him and disappeared up the stairs.

Jenny turned to face Edward. He couldn't help but feel excited at the fact that he was now alone with this strong, Italian angel.

**Chapter 6**

Edward opened his mouth to speak to her, but was interrupted once again.

"You know you got some nerve comin' in here refusing to shake your roommates hand. I don't know where you're from but in jersey that's not how you make friends."

Edward was taken aback. He felt like a child being scolded. He was even more frustrated because he _did_ know the importance of a handshake and was an extremely respectful person.

"I was nervous," was all he could being himself to say, "I, uh, I kind of froze up, I'm sorry."

Jenny's expression softened and she relaxed her arms to her side. The corner of her mouth crept up into a slight smile and she snickered, "yeah, I guess it is pretty intimidating coming home to a house full of drunk Italians."

Her accent was smooth and beautiful and Edward found himself wanting her to speak more, simply so he could listen to it.

"So, you are Jenny?" he asked.

"Oh, yeah, sorry," she said reaching out to shake his hand, "otherwise known as JWOWW, as I'm sure you already know."

"Uh, no, sorry, I didn't know that," Edward said awkwardly.

"Oh, really?" she asked, with a genuine tone of shock, "haven't you ever seen the show?"

"Well, no, not exactly," he responded hesitantly. The truth was, the only parts of jersey shore he had ever seen were bits and pieces he picked up from people's thoughts, and when that happened he just tried to tune it out. But JWOWW made him wish he hadn't.

"Huh," she responded, now examining him up and down suspiciously, "so, um, how come you're so white? I mean, most Italians I know aren't pale, and you are _really_ pale. You _are_ Italian…aren't you?"

"Of course."

This, of course, was a lie. When Alice applied for Edward to be on the show, she didn't consider it a lie _per say_ to tell MTV that Edward was of Italian decent, considering the Volturi live in Italy and their all from the vampire species. Alice assured Edward the connection was good enough and not to worry.

Jenny stood silently. She was clearly waiting for an explanation.

"Um, I was studying abroad in, uh, Washington. There's no sun there. Constant rain and clouds."

"You were studying abroad?"

"Uhh, yeah, uh huh."

"In Washington?"

"Yep."

She laughed. "What, don't they have tanning beds there?"

"Tanning what?"

She folded her arms across her chest and stared at Edward as though he had just told her he was recently abducted by aliens. He began to panic until she burst out into laughter.

"New guy, you are something else. If I wasn't ready to pass out, I'd probably slap you for not knowing what a tanning bed is. This is going to be an interesting couple of months, let me tell ya."

And with that, she turned around to go up the stairs and go to bed. When her back was completely turned, Edward let out a deep breath, thankful that his first traumatizing experience was over. However, he quickly inhaled again when Jenny suddenly turned back around, just before walking up the stairs.

"Oh! And new guy…"

"Yes?" Edward responded instantly with a little too much enthusiasm.

"I think The Situation has a grenade in the smushing room, which can't be too pretty. So, you probably want to stay away from that door right there," she pointed towards a door on the back wall that read "Guest Room**"**.

Edward looked at the door then turned back to look at Jenny who was smirking at him.

"You _do_ know what smushing is, don't you?" she asked sarcastically.

"Yes, yes of course. Goodnight Jenny," Edward said with an awkward wave, as she continued up the stairs and disappeared.

Edward had no clue what smushing was. Or what a grenade was. Or what a tanning bed was. He didn't know how he was going to get through this. He collapsed on the couch and buried his head in his hands. Now that he was alone physically, and mentally since he couldn't tap into people's drunken thoughts, all he could hear were muffled groans of pleasure coming from the "Guest Room". Edward looked up, smiled, relaxing a little. He had figured out what smushing was.

**Chapter 7**

Edward curled up on the couch with a blanket since he had no idea where his room was and, for the sake of the cameras, he had to look like he was sleeping. So he lay there for several hours just thinking. Thinking about Reneesme and Jenny and Bella. Thinking about Jacob and Bella. Thinking about Jacob and Bella together.

The daylight peaked at noon and then began to fade in the late afternoon. Edward didn't know how long he should pretend to be asleep, not wanting to seem abnormal at all. Around what he assumed to be 5pm, he heard footsteps come down the stairs and shuffle across the hardwood floors to the kitchen. He heard the fridge open, items shuffle around, and then a giant crash of glass against linoleum.

"WAHHHHHHHHH!"

Edward shot up suddenly, frightened by the loud wailing. He got up and ran into the kitchen where he stumbled upon one of the dwarfs from the previous night. Her close-to-orange skin, large bug eyes and squished face stared at Edward vacantly. She stood on the other side of the counter and Edward could only see above her shoulders.

"Who are you?" she asked in a high-pitched, whiny voice.

"I'm Edward, uh, the, uh new guy," he responded.

She stared at him for about thirty seconds.

"Oh."

"Yeah," said Edward. Before he could ask her what her name was, a horribly pungent odor made its way into his senses and he scrunched his face in utter disgust.

"Ugh, what _is_ that?" he shouted while covering his mouth and nose.

"WAHHHHHHHHHH!" she screamed again, throwing her head back and pointing towards the floor.

Edward rounded the corner to see the juice all over the floor and the small green pickles scattered in every direction. He looked from the disgusting mess to the girl's pouty face. He couldn't tell what she was wearing because she was wrapped up in a large, red blanket that dragged like a train behind her in the back and cover everything above her knees in the front. Her short, stubby legs protruded from slippers that were made to look like gigantic tennis shoes. Everything about this girl was petite, so these engorged shoe-slippers made her look ridiculous. However, Edward couldn't help but find her irresistibly adorable.

"You, uh, want me to clean it up?" he asked hesitantly. He knew this girl wanted him to clean it up, and she knew he would probably do it in order to earn her friendship. This girl was quickly becoming one of the smarter roommates in Edwards mind. And after last night, Edward was not going to turn down any opportunity to get on someone's good side.

The dwarf nodded happily, then lifted herself onto the countertop, dangling her silly feet off of the side. Edward began picking up the individual pickles and tossing them into the sink.

"I'm Nicole, by the way, but everybody calls me Snooki," she said in her mousey voice.

"Edward," he responded, extending a hand.

She accepted the gesture and her tiny hand felt like a baby's hand in his own, large palm. He was suddenly reminded of Reneesme and he instantly grew homesick for her. He felt himself succumbing to sadness, but then reminded himself that he was doing this for her and for their family.

"How come you're so pale?"

Edward looked up at Snooki who was observing him vigilantly.

"Uh, I was studying abroad," he said as he stood up and grabbed a roll of paper towels, then squatted again to finish the job, "in Washington state; there's no sun there."

"Yeah, but don't you GTL?"

"Pardon me?"

"OH MY GOD!" she shouted, raising her voice to a level so suddenly that it made Edward jump a little, "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT GTL IS? HOW DO YOU EVEN CONSIDER YOURSELF A GUIDO?" Snooki was laughing hysterically, apparently amused by his lack of knowledge.

"Nicole! What the FUCK!" called a voice that was both high-pitched and raspy.

The voice came from behind Edward, and he whipped around to see the source. It was the other dwarf from the previous night, the one with long, brown, curly hair. She was equally as odd looking as Snooki, but much less adorable.

Snooki threw both of her hands into the air and kicked her short little legs up and wiggled them.

"DEEEEEEENA!" she shouted, clapping her hands excitedly, "this is the new guy! He doesn't know what GTL is and he is cleaning up my pickles."

Deena shuffled her short legs over to Edward who stood up to greet her. He went to offer a handshake but instead the girl lunged her body at him, wrapping her stubby arms around his middle and shaking him violently.

"I'm Deena!" she shouted mid-hug.

"AWWWWWWWWWWWW!" wailed Snooki behind him, adoring the heartfelt moment. Then she jumped off the counter and was suddenly hugging him from behind and he was helplessly stuck between the two hugging, "awing" girls.

They were rocking him back and forth, laughing louder by the second. When they finally settled down and released him, Deena threw her long hair over her shoulder and made a pouty face.

"I'm starving," she whined.

"Me too," said Snooki, "and all my pickles are gone."

Edward was suddenly very excited to be here. He was growing very fond of these two girls and instinctually wanted to care for them, much like.

"So what'll it be ladies?" he asked, rubbing his hands together, "I'll make anything you want with whatever is in this kitchen."

**Chapter 8**

Jenny walked down the stairs to find every single one of her roommates crammed around the dinner table with a gourmet feast spread across every inch.

"What's going on?" she asked with a suspicious smile.

"New guy cooked," said Pauly D as he shoved a heap of lasagna into his mouth.

Edward and Jenny made eye contact and when she smiled approvingly, Edward shyly looked away.

"Yeah, he's even better than you, Sitch," Vinny laughed.

"Shut the hell up," said The Situation who was clearly too busy stuffing his face to worry about insults.

Jenny walked over and joined the group at the table. Everyone was there enjoying the immaculate meal. Edward was sandwiched between Snooki and Deena. Ronnie and Sammi sat on Deena's right and Pauly D, Vinny, and The Situation were on Snooki's left. Edward was happy with the arrangement, since it allowed him to look directly at Jenny when she took her place among the group. She began helping herself to some chicken potpie and joined in on the conversation.

"So I see you patched things up with Vinny," Jenny said to Edward in a borderline sarcastic tone.

"Uh, yeah," replied Edward with a chuckle, "we worked everything out."

"In other words, Vin felt like a real dumbass when he walked down here to learn pretty boy could cook," laughed Pauly D as pieces of food and spit flew out of his mouth. Edward found Pauly D to be particularly loud but didn't mind it.

"Man, shut up," yelled Vinny, "I was drunk last night so I have an excuse for acting like a dick. Plus, everyone knows the fastest way to my heart is through my stomach," and everyone burst into laughter, including Edward who was faking it for the most part, but was surprisingly enjoying himself.

"And I see you've met Mike," Jenny observed, gesturing toward The Situation. Edward nodded.

"For your information, Jenny," said The Situation sarcastically, "we met last night. When all you rude motherfuckers ignored poor Eddy, I politely welcomed him to our humble home."

Everyone began talking crap and laughing at The Situation as he began to go into detail about his night with the sloppy blonde he brought home from the club. Edward was really beginning to like this group of people. He enjoyed listening to their sober thoughts. The two dwarfs were thinking about a lot of things at once, but mostly it was sex, what they wanted to drink tonight, and sex. The two quieter ones who Edward assumed to be a couple, Ronnie and Sammi, were thinking about each other but in two completely different ways. Sammi was thinking about how much Ron had done her wrong and whether or not she could handle being with him knowing what he's done to her. Ronnie was thinking about how much he loved Sammi, but missed his time with the boys. Edward even heard Ronnie think about how disappointed he was that the new guy was cool, because it just meant one more guy that would get to go out and have fun while he stayed obediently glued to Sammi's side. The three rambunctious boys were all thinking about women; boobs, butts, and sex. Edward decided it would be best to just permanently stay out of their three brains, and Snooki and Deena's too. There wasn't much depth too their thoughts. And most of what they thought was spoken out loud anyway, so he didn't feel like he would be missing anything. Jenny, however, was much more deep. Her thoughts were all worries about her future, how her business back home was doing, and how well her sales were going. She thought about her book, working out, calling home, calling her lawyers and all the other things on her mental to-do list. While the others laughed and played like big children, Jenny stared off into space lost in her thoughts and responsibilities.

"So, what do you think, new guy?"

Edward realized he had been paying such close attention to Jenny's thoughts that he hadn't even heard the last five minutes of the conversation.

"A-about what?" Edward asked, quite caught off guard.

"Snooks tells us you are a GTL virgin. What do you say to a little gym tanning laundry, huh?" asked The Situation.

Edward hesitatingly looked outside at the setting sun. He didn't know how he would pull it off. It was 6:45pm and the sun was setting, but it was summer so there were at least two more hours of solid daylight.

"Umm," he mumbled trying to conjure up an excuse of some kind.

"Come on!" they all shouted trying to persuade him. He had done it; he had gotten them to like him. Now he had to maintain his likeability, and turning down their first invitation did not seem like a very good way to do that.

"Alright," he reluctantly agreed, and Deena and Snooki threw their chubby little arms into the air and flailed them around in excitement, squealing. Edward briefly tapped into their thoughts in order to confirm his suspicion: these two girls found Edward to be adorable and, in their little minds, considered him to be a precious little puppy that they could not help but smother with adoration and affection. _Whatever works_, Edward thought to himself.

Everyone began filing out of the kitchen and went to their rooms to go change and Edward began cleaning up dinner. The cameramen had followed the girls upstairs so he was alone. He peeked around every corner just to be sure, and when he was sure the coast was clear, he went back and forth from the table to the sink to the fridge at lighting speed and dinner was cleaned up in a matter of minutes. Now all he had to do was figure out how he was going to GTL.

**Chapter 9**

"Eddy, are you sure you want to wear all that? It's like ninety degrees outside," Snooki asked.

"Uh, yeah, I'm sure," he replied.

"Maybe he's famous or something," Deena loudly whispered to Snooki.

"I think we'd know if he was famous, Deena."

"Nuh uh, not if he's on the Discovery Channel. Do you watch the Discovery Channel? I don't think so."

"Shut up bitch, I love Shark Week!"

"Would you two shut up?" yelled The Situation, "If rookie wants to dress like that, let him dress like that."

Edward was embarrassed. He looked at everyone else's flip-flops and bare limbs. He looked down at his own dark jeans and tennis shoes. He wore a hooded sweatshirt that was extra big on him so that the sleeves would be long enough to cover his hands. He wore the hood up with large, dark sunglasses over his eyes.

"So, yeah, let's role," said The Situation.

It was just the four of them: Edward, The Situation, Snooki and Deena. Jenny wanted go shopping for a new outfit for the club that night and Pauly D and Vinny went to the beach. Needless to say Ronnie and Sammi were laying down doing nothing.

They headed out the door and Edward could immediately feel the sun and pulled his hood further up over his face to shield its rays.

"Eddy, are you afraid of the sun?" asked Deena, "because if you are you picked the wrong place to spend your summer."

"Uh, no, no," Edward answered quickly, "I just, uh, it's just that my skin is really sensitive when it gets this pale. I burn really easily. I have to ease into it, that's all."

"Ohhhhhhh," the three of them said at once.

"Well thank God we are taking you tanning," said Snooki, "you can start off in a conventional for seven minutes. Between some UV and a quadruple bronzer you should be a yummy gorilla juicehead in no time."

Edward simply nodded his head. He hadn't understood a word of what she just said. Each girl grabbed one of his hands and lovingly lead him to the car.


	7. Snooki

**Chapter 1**

I can't believe I let Alice talk me into this, Edward thought to himself as he Stared blankly ahead, grasping the steering wheel of his new, shiny black Beamer. He slowly turned his head to the left and he felt a pang of anxiety in his stomach as his eyes landed on the small jersey shore house. His new, Italian roommates were probably waiting anxiously for him at the door, curious about their new roommates identity.

Edward relaxed his shoulders momentarily and sighed nervously as he recollected how Alice had gotten him into this mess in the first place. It all started when Bella "changed". When she became a vampire and gave birth to Edwards beloved daughter. When she changed into a monster. And not the kind of monster one would naturally assume when addressing the transformation into an uncontrollable, bloodthirsty creature. No, what happened to Bella was much, much worse. When Bella "changed" she became self-absorbed attention slut with a constant desire to stir up unnecessary drama. She ended up scoring what she considered to be the role of a lifetime shortly after Reneesme's birth: MTV's Teen Mom. The ever-present film crew made Edward extremely uncomfortable but he put up with it for Bella because he was deeply and unconditionally in love with her. He doted on Bella and his daughter, despite Bella's ungrateful attitude and controlling nature. Edward was miserable but he wouldn't give up his true love and daughter for anything. But when the show aired, things changed. MTV and Bella made Edward out to be the typical, deadbeat, absentee father. They cut out any footage he was in, and when Bella was filmed without him, she was in a constant fit of tears; distraught over the fact that Reneesme deserved a better father, one who actually came around and loved Reneesme like

she loved Reneesme. When Edward calmly confronted her about it, she exploded in a fit of rage, accusing him of accusing her. The fight ended with Bella packing her things, throwing her wedding ring in Edwards face and walking out the door. Edward was defeated and chose not to chase after her. He hadn't spoken to her since, and the last he heard she was living over on the reservation with Jacob.

Edward was dangerously depressed after all this went down. Between losing Bella and receiving mountains of hate mail from angry women around the country, Edward's ego had really taken a hit. So, one night, Alice approached him with an idea: go to the jersey shore!

"It's the perfect way to move past all this," she said, "you can get away and have fun, and America will fall in love with you and your instant 15 minutes of fame will make Bella want you back!". Edward hated the idea.

"Absolutely not," he said, "I've heard of that show, those people sound ridiculous. Plus, I have a daughter to take care of, remember?"

Alice grinned and excitedly grabbed him by the shoulders and looked directly into his eyes.

"We can watch the kid, you know we love her."

Edward grabbed her by the wrists and removed them from his shoulders and asked her, "don't you think America will hate me even more if I do this? I mean, won't they think I'm even more of a deadbeat dad if I ditch my daughter to go party it up with the guidos?"

Alice threw her head back laughing.

"No! That's the greatest part of all this" she said between giggles, "this show is like magic. No one cares where these people came from; they are just immediately obsessed with them. Trust me, the next thing you know, you'll be walking red carpets, attending movie premieres, and shooting the breeze with Ellen."

"Who?"

"My point is, America and the rest of the world won't be able to resist."

Edward half smiled at her compliment and lowered his gaze downward, pondering the idea. Alice extended her hand and lifted his eyes back to hers.

"And neither will Bella," she said, "I see this working, and you need to just trust me."

**Chapter 2**

So here he was. Sitting outside of this party house that would hopefully fix the broken pieces of his life, without introducing the world to the existence of vampires. It was a risk, but one he had somehow allowed himself to believe was necessary. He went hunting right before he left and assumed he would have to hunt a couple more times during his stay at the shore, which he could sneak off and do. Luckily this particular group of people stayed awake all-night and slept throughout the entire day so he wouldn't have to worry about his secret being exposed in sunlight. He reassured himself that everything would be alright and all he needed to worry about was these people accepting him. Everyone, even Edward Cullen, knows that if you aren't liked by the rest of them, you aren't liked by anyone. Alice told him he needed to make it his ultimate goal to not be the next Angelina.

Edward got out of the car reluctantly and made his way up the steps to the front door. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door of the jersey shore house. Silence.

This surprised him because he Assumed the the eager roommates would be on the opposite side of the door, their ears pressed against it, anxiously awaiting the vibrations from approaching steps or nervous knock. However, there was not a stir. He really did not want to help himself in like the annoying, invasive new guy. After knocking a few more times, peeking through windows and circling the house for any indication of life, Edward gave up and decided he would have to just go in and awkwardly wait on the couch for the roommates to return...like an intruder.

However the door was locked. Edward quickly checked his watch. 1am. He hadn't realized he had arrived so late. He panicked for a brief moment, thinking about the possibility of being stuck out there so long that the sunrise sends his skin into a sparkle frenzy, but then Mentally calmed himself down. _I'm sure they'll be back soon_, he thought. _After all, guidos can only party so late, right_?

**Chapter 3**

Edward sat crouched beneath a tree that extended up to the front porch providing a small patch of shade from the ever-rising sun. He desperately looked at his watch for the millionth time. 5:30am. He had wedged himself tightly into the shady corner, clutching his knees to his chest and watching the sun inch closer to his body. Edward silently blamed Alice for this disaster and was about to make a break for his car when he heard the Italian stampede coming up the sidewalk and making it's way up the porch. The first to come into full sight was a tall, lean man wearing dark aviator sunglasses over his eyes, an Ed Hardy t-shirt on his back and a disheveled blonde on his arm. They drunkenly stumbled up the steps together, laughing and complementing each other on their sexiness. The man noticed Edward, who was still squatting desperately in the corner, clinging to his shrinking patch of shade. As the man quickly made his way to the door, he slid his sunglasses down to the tip of his nose and looked over them at Edward.

"Yo, Rookie!" he shouted, replacing his shades back over his eyes and clumsily unlocking the door, "The name is Situation. I assume you know where the smushing room is, and I'd appreciate it if you stayed away from there for the next couple of hours, thanks bro, catch you later!" And he disappeared into the house.

Following shortly behind were three extremely tan girls. While the shade of their skin was equally bronzed, the rest of their appearance couldn't have been any more different. The one in the middle was tall, like a model. Edward was certain, other than Bella, he had never seen a more beautiful creature. She had jet-black hair that fell loosely around her shoulders, large, fake breasts, and piercing dark eyes. She wore a skin tight, red leather dress that was cut so low in the front that the artistry of the plastic surgeon could truly be appreciated, and Edward found himself desiring to know the name of that surgeon so that he could write him a thank-you card. The one to her right was shockingly short, and just barely came up to the model's belly button. She too had jet-black hair, but hers was piled onto the back of her head in what probably was once a poof, but after a long night of partying it was now more of a birds nest. She wore a silver, strapless dress where the fabric clung tightly to her butt, then loosened around her middle section, then tightened up again around her breasts. The one on the model's left was slightly taller than the other, but with lighter hair that was thick and curly. She wore a similar dress to the other short girl, except it was turquoise blue. The two little ones were practically being carried by the model, who had her arms wrapped around each of their waists. The short ones were clearly drunk and whining loudly about one of the other roommates, and the tall one simply ignored it and led the girls into the house without even noticing Edward.

The duo that came into sight next was silent. A tall, slender, beautiful girl with dark brown hair and sweet eyes held the hand of a shorter, stout man with muscles that were piled so thickly on his arms that it made him walk with almost a kind of waddle. They both wore similar expressions that Edward could only determine to be that of silent suffering. The only noise that they created was that from walking, and they too entered the house without noticing Edward pathetically balled up in the shady corner.

He was beginning to feel hopeful. Maybe no one would notice him, and he could enter the house with the roommates already home like he had originally planned. The Situation would probably be absent and "smushing" that charming blonde and wouldn't notice the difference. But Edward was very wrong, because the next feet sprinting heavily and loudly up the steps were those of Vinny and Pauly D.

**Chapter 4!**

The two rambunctious boys literally leapt up the steps laughing and instigating each other with playful insults and congratulations on being awesome. They were so distracted with one another that Edward was convinced he would slip directly under their radar. However, just as they were about to enter the house, Vinny caught sight of Edward and stopped dead in his tracks. Vinny was of average height and build, with extremely short black hair and black eyebrows. Vinny's sudden stop nearly caused Pauly D to run right into him. Pauly D was a very tanned, toned man with the sides of his head shaved, but on the top of his head sat a thick, black mane that he had clearly spent a lot of time perfecting, as it stood perfectly straight up like grass that hadn't been cut for a few months. Both boys were also wearing Ed Hardy t-shirts, extremely clean shoes, and a wrist and neck-full of shiny jewelry. After a moment of confusion, Pauly D realized what had caused Vinny to freeze up and both boys were now looking at Edward in utter disbelief.

"Oh, hell no," said Pauly D, "this cannot be the new guy."

Edward realized how ridiculous he must look. To himself he was a broken hearted vampire trying to hold onto a secret that was centimeters away from being revealed. But to these guys and the rest of the world, he was a grown, human man, scrunched into the fetal position, with a terrified expression. He looked like the combination of an escaped psych ward patient, a homeless man, and a frightened toddler. So it was no surprise that these guys were not immediately accepting of him. He couldn't read their thoughts to determine what their analysis of him was because they were drunk. When humans drink, their thoughts are reduced to complex swirls of light, color and sound that are undecipherable to Edward's gift.

"I mean…_this guy_?" Pauly D stated again, "_this_ guy?"

"Yeah," agreed Vinny, with a bewildered look on his face, "he's so…so…"

_Weird? Awkward? Different? Ugly?_ Edward thought, attempting to predict the ultimate factor that caused him to be an instant outcast.

"Pale," said Pauly D conclusively.

Vinny nodded in agreement. The two boys stood in the doorway gawking at Edward like he was an injured animal and they weren't sure what to do next. After what felt like hours, the tension in Vinny's body loosened and he gave Edward a soft smile and said, "eh, what the hell?" as he stepped towards Edward and extended an arm, "I'm Vinny, nice to meet you bro."

Edward stared at the outstretched hand. He observed how its dark, olive color burned slightly red in the sun's rising light. Edward knew if he reached out and shook Vinny's hand in the warm sunlight he would sparkle like Diana Ross. But he knew if he didn't it would be considered a social insult and who knows what would happen after that. He panicked, unsure of what to do. The smile on Vinny's face vanished and he gave his hand a jerk, silently threatening Edward to shake it or else.

"Come on bro, I'm trying to be cool, don't you know its disrespectful to ignore a handshake when someone is welcoming into their home?" Vinny turned around to face Pauly D, searching for answers, but Pauly simply shrugged and snickered at the awkwardness of the situation and the awkwardness of Edward in general. Vinny turned back to Edward, clearly upset and disturbed by Edward's antisocial behavior.

"Bro you really don't want to be doing this on your first day, you don't disrespect your roommates on the first day," Vinny rambled, getting himself heated up and angrier by the second, "you think you're a man because you won't shake my hand, bro? For real? Get up, you little bitch, show me how manly you are, I'll take you out right now, let's go!" Vinny's hands were balled up into fists and he was anxiously hopping around the porch in circles and beating on his chest. Pauly D, still in the doorway, was roaring with laughter and encouraging Vinny's alpha male behavior. Edward was beyond panicking. He wanted to stand up and shake this guy's hand and apologize, but he couldn't. He felt so stupid curled up in that corner; unable to be a man like Vinny demanded and either shake his hand or fight. But he couldn't do either without outing an entire secret species. Edward was pretty sure if he were human he would be crying.

Suddenly Vinny was hovering about Edward, breathing heavily, Pauly's hysterical laughter looming in the background.

"I said, 'get up' you pale little bitch," and the next thing he knew, Edward's arm was clutched in Vinny's wrist and he was thrust into the sunlight. It all happened so quickly that it was over before it had a chance to begin. Edward's animalistic nature erupted and, combined with his instincts to shield his bare skin, he simultaneously threw Vinny off of him and into Pauly D, knocking the two of them into the house and onto the floor. Then, using his lightening speed, he quickly leapt from the sunlit porch into the safe, dark living room of the jersey shore house. Vinny and Pauly D attempted to collect themselves from the floor and figure out what had just happened. When they got to their feet, Edward stood in front of them, smiled slightly, extended his hand and said, "I'm Edward Cullen, nice to meet you."

**Chapter 5**

Edward kept his hand in the air, and Vinny and Pauly D stared blankly at him. Their eyes shifted back and forth from his hand to his face at least ten times. Edward's smile faded from his mouth and his confidence vanished. Finally Vinny broke the silence.

"You little bitch!"

Edward's face went from confusion to terror, as the two guidos bolted towards him, toppled him to the ground, and began blindly throwing punches at him. Edward was tempted to use his super strength once again to throw them off of him but knew he couldn't get away with it this time. So he simply had to take each punch and kick, trying to fight back in the most human-like way. His closed his eyes as fists were flying all over the place. This went on for what felt like hours.

Suddenly all the blows stopped entirely and Edward opened his eyes. He saw Vinny and Pauly D ripped away from their position on top of him and thrown into the coffee table supporting several magazines and a vase filled with dead flowers and old water. The table collapsed beneath the weight of the two boys and left them in a pile of broken wood, shattered glass and smelly, dirty liquid.

"What the fuck, Jenny?" yelled Pauly D as he examined the brown stain that now stretched across his once pure white Ed Hardy shirt.

Edward looked up to see who had broken up the fight. To his astonishment, it was the model he had seen walking into the house supporting the two dwarf girls. He was impressed by her strength. Not only had she been able to carry the dead weight of the two chunky, pint-sized guidettes up the stairs and into the house, but also she had also just lifted two grown men off the ground and hurtled them across the room. He stared at her, awestruck. She was now in little boxer shorts and a baggy t-shirt. Her make up had been washed off and her hair was now thrown into a messy ponytail. Her hands were on her hips in an authoritative way and she stared accusingly at the two boys piled on the coffee table.

"You two are a bunch of douche bags for jumping the new guy the second he walks in here! What's the matter with you?"

When she spoke, she remained very composed. Her hands remained in position and her voice was very monotone. She had a masculinity about her that Edward found intriguing and found himself unable to take his eyes off of her.

Edward stood up, dusted himself off and opened his mouth to thank the girl and introduce himself. But before he could get the words out, Vinny jumped to his feet and pointed his tan finger at Edward and looked Jenny in the eyes.

"_This_ guy started it, Jenny. He had the audacity to come up in _my_ house to _live_ here with _me_ but refuse to shake my hand like a decent human being. So I don't give a fuck," he turned to face Edward, "I'll fuckin' knock you out if you come near me ever again, okay bitch?"

And with that, he turned around to help Pauly D off of the floor and the two gave Edward a threatening look as they walked past him and disappeared up the stairs.

Jenny turned to face Edward. He couldn't help but feel excited at the fact that he was now alone with this strong, Italian angel.

**Chapter 6**

Edward opened his mouth to speak to her, but was interrupted once again.

"You know you got some nerve comin' in here refusing to shake your roommates hand. I don't know where you're from but in jersey that's not how you make friends."

Edward was taken aback. He felt like a child being scolded. He was even more frustrated because he _did_ know the importance of a handshake and was an extremely respectful person.

"I was nervous," was all he could being himself to say, "I, uh, I kind of froze up, I'm sorry."

Jenny's expression softened and she relaxed her arms to her side. The corner of her mouth crept up into a slight smile and she snickered, "yeah, I guess it is pretty intimidating coming home to a house full of drunk Italians."

Her accent was smooth and beautiful and Edward found himself wanting her to speak more, simply so he could listen to it.

"So, you are Jenny?" he asked.

"Oh, yeah, sorry," she said reaching out to shake his hand, "otherwise known as JWOWW, as I'm sure you already know."

"Uh, no, sorry, I didn't know that," Edward said awkwardly.

"Oh, really?" she asked, with a genuine tone of shock, "haven't you ever seen the show?"

"Well, no, not exactly," he responded hesitantly. The truth was, the only parts of jersey shore he had ever seen were bits and pieces he picked up from people's thoughts, and when that happened he just tried to tune it out. But JWOWW made him wish he hadn't.

"Huh," she responded, now examining him up and down suspiciously, "so, um, how come you're so white? I mean, most Italians I know aren't pale, and you are _really_ pale. You _are_ Italian…aren't you?"

"Of course."

This, of course, was a lie. When Alice applied for Edward to be on the show, she didn't consider it a lie _per say_ to tell MTV that Edward was of Italian decent, considering the Volturi live in Italy and their all from the vampire species. Alice assured Edward the connection was good enough and not to worry.

Jenny stood silently. She was clearly waiting for an explanation.

"Um, I was studying abroad in, uh, Washington. There's no sun there. Constant rain and clouds."

"You were studying abroad?"

"Uhh, yeah, uh huh."

"In Washington?"

"Yep."

She laughed. "What, don't they have tanning beds there?"

"Tanning what?"

She folded her arms across her chest and stared at Edward as though he had just told her he was recently abducted by aliens. He began to panic until she burst out into laughter.

"New guy, you are something else. If I wasn't ready to pass out, I'd probably slap you for not knowing what a tanning bed is. This is going to be an interesting couple of months, let me tell ya."

And with that, she turned around to go up the stairs and go to bed. When her back was completely turned, Edward let out a deep breath, thankful that his first traumatizing experience was over. However, he quickly inhaled again when Jenny suddenly turned back around, just before walking up the stairs.

"Oh! And new guy…"

"Yes?" Edward responded instantly with a little too much enthusiasm.

"I think The Situation has a grenade in the smushing room, which can't be too pretty. So, you probably want to stay away from that door right there," she pointed towards a door on the back wall that read "Guest Room**"**.

Edward looked at the door then turned back to look at Jenny who was smirking at him.

"You _do_ know what smushing is, don't you?" she asked sarcastically.

"Yes, yes of course. Goodnight Jenny," Edward said with an awkward wave, as she continued up the stairs and disappeared.

Edward had no clue what smushing was. Or what a grenade was. Or what a tanning bed was. He didn't know how he was going to get through this. He collapsed on the couch and buried his head in his hands. Now that he was alone physically, and mentally since he couldn't tap into people's drunken thoughts, all he could hear were muffled groans of pleasure coming from the "Guest Room". Edward looked up, smiled, relaxing a little. He had figured out what smushing was.

**Chapter 7**

Edward curled up on the couch with a blanket since he had no idea where his room was and, for the sake of the cameras, he had to look like he was sleeping. So he lay there for several hours just thinking. Thinking about Reneesme and Jenny and Bella. Thinking about Jacob and Bella. Thinking about Jacob and Bella together.

The daylight peaked at noon and then began to fade in the late afternoon. Edward didn't know how long he should pretend to be asleep, not wanting to seem abnormal at all. Around what he assumed to be 5pm, he heard footsteps come down the stairs and shuffle across the hardwood floors to the kitchen. He heard the fridge open, items shuffle around, and then a giant crash of glass against linoleum.

"WAHHHHHHHHH!"

Edward shot up suddenly, frightened by the loud wailing. He got up and ran into the kitchen where he stumbled upon one of the dwarfs from the previous night. Her close-to-orange skin, large bug eyes and squished face stared at Edward vacantly. She stood on the other side of the counter and Edward could only see above her shoulders.

"Who are you?" she asked in a high-pitched, whiny voice.

"I'm Edward, uh, the, uh new guy," he responded.

She stared at him for about thirty seconds.

"Oh."

"Yeah," said Edward. Before he could ask her what her name was, a horribly pungent odor made its way into his senses and he scrunched his face in utter disgust.

"Ugh, what _is_ that?" he shouted while covering his mouth and nose.

"WAHHHHHHHHHH!" she screamed again, throwing her head back and pointing towards the floor.

Edward rounded the corner to see the juice all over the floor and the small green pickles scattered in every direction. He looked from the disgusting mess to the girl's pouty face. He couldn't tell what she was wearing because she was wrapped up in a large, red blanket that dragged like a train behind her in the back and cover everything above her knees in the front. Her short, stubby legs protruded from slippers that were made to look like gigantic tennis shoes. Everything about this girl was petite, so these engorged shoe-slippers made her look ridiculous. However, Edward couldn't help but find her irresistibly adorable.

"You, uh, want me to clean it up?" he asked hesitantly. He knew this girl wanted him to clean it up, and she knew he would probably do it in order to earn her friendship. This girl was quickly becoming one of the smarter roommates in Edwards mind. And after last night, Edward was not going to turn down any opportunity to get on someone's good side.

The dwarf nodded happily, then lifted herself onto the countertop, dangling her silly feet off of the side. Edward began picking up the individual pickles and tossing them into the sink.

"I'm Nicole, by the way, but everybody calls me Snooki," she said in her mousey voice.

"Edward," he responded, extending a hand.

She accepted the gesture and her tiny hand felt like a baby's hand in his own, large palm. He was suddenly reminded of Reneesme and he instantly grew homesick for her. He felt himself succumbing to sadness, but then reminded himself that he was doing this for her and for their family.

"How come you're so pale?"

Edward looked up at Snooki who was observing him vigilantly.

"Uh, I was studying abroad," he said as he stood up and grabbed a roll of paper towels, then squatted again to finish the job, "in Washington state; there's no sun there."

"Yeah, but don't you GTL?"

"Pardon me?"

"OH MY GOD!" she shouted, raising her voice to a level so suddenly that it made Edward jump a little, "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT GTL IS? HOW DO YOU EVEN CONSIDER YOURSELF A GUIDO?" Snooki was laughing hysterically, apparently amused by his lack of knowledge.

"Nicole! What the FUCK!" called a voice that was both high-pitched and raspy.

The voice came from behind Edward, and he whipped around to see the source. It was the other dwarf from the previous night, the one with long, brown, curly hair. She was equally as odd looking as Snooki, but much less adorable.

Snooki threw both of her hands into the air and kicked her short little legs up and wiggled them.

"DEEEEEEENA!" she shouted, clapping her hands excitedly, "this is the new guy! He doesn't know what GTL is and he is cleaning up my pickles."

Deena shuffled her short legs over to Edward who stood up to greet her. He went to offer a handshake but instead the girl lunged her body at him, wrapping her stubby arms around his middle and shaking him violently.

"I'm Deena!" she shouted mid-hug.

"AWWWWWWWWWWWW!" wailed Snooki behind him, adoring the heartfelt moment. Then she jumped off the counter and was suddenly hugging him from behind and he was helplessly stuck between the two hugging, "awing" girls.

They were rocking him back and forth, laughing louder by the second. When they finally settled down and released him, Deena threw her long hair over her shoulder and made a pouty face.

"I'm starving," she whined.

"Me too," said Snooki, "and all my pickles are gone."

Edward was suddenly very excited to be here. He was growing very fond of these two girls and instinctually wanted to care for them, much like.

"So what'll it be ladies?" he asked, rubbing his hands together, "I'll make anything you want with whatever is in this kitchen."

**Chapter 8**

Jenny walked down the stairs to find every single one of her roommates crammed around the dinner table with a gourmet feast spread across every inch.

"What's going on?" she asked with a suspicious smile.

"New guy cooked," said Pauly D as he shoved a heap of lasagna into his mouth.

Edward and Jenny made eye contact and when she smiled approvingly, Edward shyly looked away.

"Yeah, he's even better than you, Sitch," Vinny laughed.

"Shut the hell up," said The Situation who was clearly too busy stuffing his face to worry about insults.

Jenny walked over and joined the group at the table. Everyone was there enjoying the immaculate meal. Edward was sandwiched between Snooki and Deena. Ronnie and Sammi sat on Deena's right and Pauly D, Vinny, and The Situation were on Snooki's left. Edward was happy with the arrangement, since it allowed him to look directly at Jenny when she took her place among the group. She began helping herself to some chicken potpie and joined in on the conversation.

"So I see you patched things up with Vinny," Jenny said to Edward in a borderline sarcastic tone.

"Uh, yeah," replied Edward with a chuckle, "we worked everything out."

"In other words, Vin felt like a real dumbass when he walked down here to learn pretty boy could cook," laughed Pauly D as pieces of food and spit flew out of his mouth. Edward found Pauly D to be particularly loud but didn't mind it.

"Man, shut up," yelled Vinny, "I was drunk last night so I have an excuse for acting like a dick. Plus, everyone knows the fastest way to my heart is through my stomach," and everyone burst into laughter, including Edward who was faking it for the most part, but was surprisingly enjoying himself.

"And I see you've met Mike," Jenny observed, gesturing toward The Situation. Edward nodded.

"For your information, Jenny," said The Situation sarcastically, "we met last night. When all you rude motherfuckers ignored poor Eddy, I politely welcomed him to our humble home."

Everyone began talking crap and laughing at The Situation as he began to go into detail about his night with the sloppy blonde he brought home from the club. Edward was really beginning to like this group of people. He enjoyed listening to their sober thoughts. The two dwarfs were thinking about a lot of things at once, but mostly it was sex, what they wanted to drink tonight, and sex. The two quieter ones who Edward assumed to be a couple, Ronnie and Sammi, were thinking about each other but in two completely different ways. Sammi was thinking about how much Ron had done her wrong and whether or not she could handle being with him knowing what he's done to her. Ronnie was thinking about how much he loved Sammi, but missed his time with the boys. Edward even heard Ronnie think about how disappointed he was that the new guy was cool, because it just meant one more guy that would get to go out and have fun while he stayed obediently glued to Sammi's side. The three rambunctious boys were all thinking about women; boobs, butts, and sex. Edward decided it would be best to just permanently stay out of their three brains, and Snooki and Deena's too. There wasn't much depth too their thoughts. And most of what they thought was spoken out loud anyway, so he didn't feel like he would be missing anything. Jenny, however, was much more deep. Her thoughts were all worries about her future, how her business back home was doing, and how well her sales were going. She thought about her book, working out, calling home, calling her lawyers and all the other things on her mental to-do list. While the others laughed and played like big children, Jenny stared off into space lost in her thoughts and responsibilities.

"So, what do you think, new guy?"

Edward realized he had been paying such close attention to Jenny's thoughts that he hadn't even heard the last five minutes of the conversation.

"A-about what?" Edward asked, quite caught off guard.

"Snooks tells us you are a GTL virgin. What do you say to a little gym tanning laundry, huh?" asked The Situation.

Edward hesitatingly looked outside at the setting sun. He didn't know how he would pull it off. It was 6:45pm and the sun was setting, but it was summer so there were at least two more hours of solid daylight.

"Umm," he mumbled trying to conjure up an excuse of some kind.

"Come on!" they all shouted trying to persuade him. He had done it; he had gotten them to like him. Now he had to maintain his likeability, and turning down their first invitation did not seem like a very good way to do that.

"Alright," he reluctantly agreed, and Deena and Snooki threw their chubby little arms into the air and flailed them around in excitement, squealing. Edward briefly tapped into their thoughts in order to confirm his suspicion: these two girls found Edward to be adorable and, in their little minds, considered him to be a precious little puppy that they could not help but smother with adoration and affection. _Whatever works_, Edward thought to himself.

Everyone began filing out of the kitchen and went to their rooms to go change and Edward began cleaning up dinner. The cameramen had followed the girls upstairs so he was alone. He peeked around every corner just to be sure, and when he was sure the coast was clear, he went back and forth from the table to the sink to the fridge at lighting speed and dinner was cleaned up in a matter of minutes. Now all he had to do was figure out how he was going to GTL.

**Chapter 9**

"Eddy, are you sure you want to wear all that? It's like ninety degrees outside," Snooki asked.

"Uh, yeah, I'm sure," he replied.

"Maybe he's famous or something," Deena loudly whispered to Snooki.

"I think we'd know if he was famous, Deena."

"Nuh uh, not if he's on the Discovery Channel. Do you watch the Discovery Channel? I don't think so."

"Shut up bitch, I love Shark Week!"

"Would you two shut up?" yelled The Situation, "If rookie wants to dress like that, let him dress like that."

Edward was embarrassed. He looked at everyone else's flip-flops and bare limbs. He looked down at his own dark jeans and tennis shoes. He wore a hooded sweatshirt that was extra big on him so that the sleeves would be long enough to cover his hands. He wore the hood up with large, dark sunglasses over his eyes.

"So, yeah, let's role," said The Situation.

It was just the four of them: Edward, The Situation, Snooki and Deena. Jenny wanted go shopping for a new outfit for the club that night and Pauly D and Vinny went to the beach. Needless to say Ronnie and Sammi were laying down doing nothing.

They headed out the door and Edward could immediately feel the sun and pulled his hood further up over his face to shield its rays.

"Eddy, are you afraid of the sun?" asked Deena, "because if you are you picked the wrong place to spend your summer."

"Uh, no, no," Edward answered quickly, "I just, uh, it's just that my skin is really sensitive when it gets this pale. I burn really easily. I have to ease into it, that's all."

"Ohhhhhhh," the three of them said at once.

"Well thank God we are taking you tanning," said Snooki, "you can start off in a conventional for seven minutes. Between some UV and a quadruple bronzer you should be a yummy gorilla juicehead in no time."

Edward simply nodded his head. He hadn't understood a word of what she just said. Each girl grabbed one of his hands and lovingly lead him to the car.


	8. Family Meal

**Chapter 1**

I can't believe I let Alice talk me into this, Edward thought to himself as he Stared blankly ahead, grasping the steering wheel of his new, shiny black Beamer. He slowly turned his head to the left and he felt a pang of anxiety in his stomach as his eyes landed on the small jersey shore house. His new, Italian roommates were probably waiting anxiously for him at the door, curious about their new roommates identity.

Edward relaxed his shoulders momentarily and sighed nervously as he recollected how Alice had gotten him into this mess in the first place. It all started when Bella "changed". When she became a vampire and gave birth to Edwards beloved daughter. When she changed into a monster. And not the kind of monster one would naturally assume when addressing the transformation into an uncontrollable, bloodthirsty creature. No, what happened to Bella was much, much worse. When Bella "changed" she became self-absorbed attention slut with a constant desire to stir up unnecessary drama. She ended up scoring what she considered to be the role of a lifetime shortly after Reneesme's birth: MTV's Teen Mom. The ever-present film crew made Edward extremely uncomfortable but he put up with it for Bella because he was deeply and unconditionally in love with her. He doted on Bella and his daughter, despite Bella's ungrateful attitude and controlling nature. Edward was miserable but he wouldn't give up his true love and daughter for anything. But when the show aired, things changed. MTV and Bella made Edward out to be the typical, deadbeat, absentee father. They cut out any footage he was in, and when Bella was filmed without him, she was in a constant fit of tears; distraught over the fact that Reneesme deserved a better father, one who actually came around and loved Reneesme like

she loved Reneesme. When Edward calmly confronted her about it, she exploded in a fit of rage, accusing him of accusing her. The fight ended with Bella packing her things, throwing her wedding ring in Edwards face and walking out the door. Edward was defeated and chose not to chase after her. He hadn't spoken to her since, and the last he heard she was living over on the reservation with Jacob.

Edward was dangerously depressed after all this went down. Between losing Bella and receiving mountains of hate mail from angry women around the country, Edward's ego had really taken a hit. So, one night, Alice approached him with an idea: go to the jersey shore!

"It's the perfect way to move past all this," she said, "you can get away and have fun, and America will fall in love with you and your instant 15 minutes of fame will make Bella want you back!". Edward hated the idea.

"Absolutely not," he said, "I've heard of that show, those people sound ridiculous. Plus, I have a daughter to take care of, remember?"

Alice grinned and excitedly grabbed him by the shoulders and looked directly into his eyes.

"We can watch the kid, you know we love her."

Edward grabbed her by the wrists and removed them from his shoulders and asked her, "don't you think America will hate me even more if I do this? I mean, won't they think I'm even more of a deadbeat dad if I ditch my daughter to go party it up with the guidos?"

Alice threw her head back laughing.

"No! That's the greatest part of all this" she said between giggles, "this show is like magic. No one cares where these people came from; they are just immediately obsessed with them. Trust me, the next thing you know, you'll be walking red carpets, attending movie premieres, and shooting the breeze with Ellen."

"Who?"

"My point is, America and the rest of the world won't be able to resist."

Edward half smiled at her compliment and lowered his gaze downward, pondering the idea. Alice extended her hand and lifted his eyes back to hers.

"And neither will Bella," she said, "I see this working, and you need to just trust me."

**Chapter 2**

So here he was. Sitting outside of this party house that would hopefully fix the broken pieces of his life, without introducing the world to the existence of vampires. It was a risk, but one he had somehow allowed himself to believe was necessary. He went hunting right before he left and assumed he would have to hunt a couple more times during his stay at the shore, which he could sneak off and do. Luckily this particular group of people stayed awake all-night and slept throughout the entire day so he wouldn't have to worry about his secret being exposed in sunlight. He reassured himself that everything would be alright and all he needed to worry about was these people accepting him. Everyone, even Edward Cullen, knows that if you aren't liked by the rest of them, you aren't liked by anyone. Alice told him he needed to make it his ultimate goal to not be the next Angelina.

Edward got out of the car reluctantly and made his way up the steps to the front door. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door of the jersey shore house. Silence.

This surprised him because he Assumed the the eager roommates would be on the opposite side of the door, their ears pressed against it, anxiously awaiting the vibrations from approaching steps or nervous knock. However, there was not a stir. He really did not want to help himself in like the annoying, invasive new guy. After knocking a few more times, peeking through windows and circling the house for any indication of life, Edward gave up and decided he would have to just go in and awkwardly wait on the couch for the roommates to return...like an intruder.

However the door was locked. Edward quickly checked his watch. 1am. He hadn't realized he had arrived so late. He panicked for a brief moment, thinking about the possibility of being stuck out there so long that the sunrise sends his skin into a sparkle frenzy, but then Mentally calmed himself down. _I'm sure they'll be back soon_, he thought. _After all, guidos can only party so late, right_?

**Chapter 3**

Edward sat crouched beneath a tree that extended up to the front porch providing a small patch of shade from the ever-rising sun. He desperately looked at his watch for the millionth time. 5:30am. He had wedged himself tightly into the shady corner, clutching his knees to his chest and watching the sun inch closer to his body. Edward silently blamed Alice for this disaster and was about to make a break for his car when he heard the Italian stampede coming up the sidewalk and making it's way up the porch. The first to come into full sight was a tall, lean man wearing dark aviator sunglasses over his eyes, an Ed Hardy t-shirt on his back and a disheveled blonde on his arm. They drunkenly stumbled up the steps together, laughing and complementing each other on their sexiness. The man noticed Edward, who was still squatting desperately in the corner, clinging to his shrinking patch of shade. As the man quickly made his way to the door, he slid his sunglasses down to the tip of his nose and looked over them at Edward.

"Yo, Rookie!" he shouted, replacing his shades back over his eyes and clumsily unlocking the door, "The name is Situation. I assume you know where the smushing room is, and I'd appreciate it if you stayed away from there for the next couple of hours, thanks bro, catch you later!" And he disappeared into the house.

Following shortly behind were three extremely tan girls. While the shade of their skin was equally bronzed, the rest of their appearance couldn't have been any more different. The one in the middle was tall, like a model. Edward was certain, other than Bella, he had never seen a more beautiful creature. She had jet-black hair that fell loosely around her shoulders, large, fake breasts, and piercing dark eyes. She wore a skin tight, red leather dress that was cut so low in the front that the artistry of the plastic surgeon could truly be appreciated, and Edward found himself desiring to know the name of that surgeon so that he could write him a thank-you card. The one to her right was shockingly short, and just barely came up to the model's belly button. She too had jet-black hair, but hers was piled onto the back of her head in what probably was once a poof, but after a long night of partying it was now more of a birds nest. She wore a silver, strapless dress where the fabric clung tightly to her butt, then loosened around her middle section, then tightened up again around her breasts. The one on the model's left was slightly taller than the other, but with lighter hair that was thick and curly. She wore a similar dress to the other short girl, except it was turquoise blue. The two little ones were practically being carried by the model, who had her arms wrapped around each of their waists. The short ones were clearly drunk and whining loudly about one of the other roommates, and the tall one simply ignored it and led the girls into the house without even noticing Edward.

The duo that came into sight next was silent. A tall, slender, beautiful girl with dark brown hair and sweet eyes held the hand of a shorter, stout man with muscles that were piled so thickly on his arms that it made him walk with almost a kind of waddle. They both wore similar expressions that Edward could only determine to be that of silent suffering. The only noise that they created was that from walking, and they too entered the house without noticing Edward pathetically balled up in the shady corner.

He was beginning to feel hopeful. Maybe no one would notice him, and he could enter the house with the roommates already home like he had originally planned. The Situation would probably be absent and "smushing" that charming blonde and wouldn't notice the difference. But Edward was very wrong, because the next feet sprinting heavily and loudly up the steps were those of Vinny and Pauly D.

**Chapter 4!**

The two rambunctious boys literally leapt up the steps laughing and instigating each other with playful insults and congratulations on being awesome. They were so distracted with one another that Edward was convinced he would slip directly under their radar. However, just as they were about to enter the house, Vinny caught sight of Edward and stopped dead in his tracks. Vinny was of average height and build, with extremely short black hair and black eyebrows. Vinny's sudden stop nearly caused Pauly D to run right into him. Pauly D was a very tanned, toned man with the sides of his head shaved, but on the top of his head sat a thick, black mane that he had clearly spent a lot of time perfecting, as it stood perfectly straight up like grass that hadn't been cut for a few months. Both boys were also wearing Ed Hardy t-shirts, extremely clean shoes, and a wrist and neck-full of shiny jewelry. After a moment of confusion, Pauly D realized what had caused Vinny to freeze up and both boys were now looking at Edward in utter disbelief.

"Oh, hell no," said Pauly D, "this cannot be the new guy."

Edward realized how ridiculous he must look. To himself he was a broken hearted vampire trying to hold onto a secret that was centimeters away from being revealed. But to these guys and the rest of the world, he was a grown, human man, scrunched into the fetal position, with a terrified expression. He looked like the combination of an escaped psych ward patient, a homeless man, and a frightened toddler. So it was no surprise that these guys were not immediately accepting of him. He couldn't read their thoughts to determine what their analysis of him was because they were drunk. When humans drink, their thoughts are reduced to complex swirls of light, color and sound that are undecipherable to Edward's gift.

"I mean…_this guy_?" Pauly D stated again, "_this_ guy?"

"Yeah," agreed Vinny, with a bewildered look on his face, "he's so…so…"

_Weird? Awkward? Different? Ugly?_ Edward thought, attempting to predict the ultimate factor that caused him to be an instant outcast.

"Pale," said Pauly D conclusively.

Vinny nodded in agreement. The two boys stood in the doorway gawking at Edward like he was an injured animal and they weren't sure what to do next. After what felt like hours, the tension in Vinny's body loosened and he gave Edward a soft smile and said, "eh, what the hell?" as he stepped towards Edward and extended an arm, "I'm Vinny, nice to meet you bro."

Edward stared at the outstretched hand. He observed how its dark, olive color burned slightly red in the sun's rising light. Edward knew if he reached out and shook Vinny's hand in the warm sunlight he would sparkle like Diana Ross. But he knew if he didn't it would be considered a social insult and who knows what would happen after that. He panicked, unsure of what to do. The smile on Vinny's face vanished and he gave his hand a jerk, silently threatening Edward to shake it or else.

"Come on bro, I'm trying to be cool, don't you know its disrespectful to ignore a handshake when someone is welcoming into their home?" Vinny turned around to face Pauly D, searching for answers, but Pauly simply shrugged and snickered at the awkwardness of the situation and the awkwardness of Edward in general. Vinny turned back to Edward, clearly upset and disturbed by Edward's antisocial behavior.

"Bro you really don't want to be doing this on your first day, you don't disrespect your roommates on the first day," Vinny rambled, getting himself heated up and angrier by the second, "you think you're a man because you won't shake my hand, bro? For real? Get up, you little bitch, show me how manly you are, I'll take you out right now, let's go!" Vinny's hands were balled up into fists and he was anxiously hopping around the porch in circles and beating on his chest. Pauly D, still in the doorway, was roaring with laughter and encouraging Vinny's alpha male behavior. Edward was beyond panicking. He wanted to stand up and shake this guy's hand and apologize, but he couldn't. He felt so stupid curled up in that corner; unable to be a man like Vinny demanded and either shake his hand or fight. But he couldn't do either without outing an entire secret species. Edward was pretty sure if he were human he would be crying.

Suddenly Vinny was hovering about Edward, breathing heavily, Pauly's hysterical laughter looming in the background.

"I said, 'get up' you pale little bitch," and the next thing he knew, Edward's arm was clutched in Vinny's wrist and he was thrust into the sunlight. It all happened so quickly that it was over before it had a chance to begin. Edward's animalistic nature erupted and, combined with his instincts to shield his bare skin, he simultaneously threw Vinny off of him and into Pauly D, knocking the two of them into the house and onto the floor. Then, using his lightening speed, he quickly leapt from the sunlit porch into the safe, dark living room of the jersey shore house. Vinny and Pauly D attempted to collect themselves from the floor and figure out what had just happened. When they got to their feet, Edward stood in front of them, smiled slightly, extended his hand and said, "I'm Edward Cullen, nice to meet you."

**Chapter 5**

Edward kept his hand in the air, and Vinny and Pauly D stared blankly at him. Their eyes shifted back and forth from his hand to his face at least ten times. Edward's smile faded from his mouth and his confidence vanished. Finally Vinny broke the silence.

"You little bitch!"

Edward's face went from confusion to terror, as the two guidos bolted towards him, toppled him to the ground, and began blindly throwing punches at him. Edward was tempted to use his super strength once again to throw them off of him but knew he couldn't get away with it this time. So he simply had to take each punch and kick, trying to fight back in the most human-like way. His closed his eyes as fists were flying all over the place. This went on for what felt like hours.

Suddenly all the blows stopped entirely and Edward opened his eyes. He saw Vinny and Pauly D ripped away from their position on top of him and thrown into the coffee table supporting several magazines and a vase filled with dead flowers and old water. The table collapsed beneath the weight of the two boys and left them in a pile of broken wood, shattered glass and smelly, dirty liquid.

"What the fuck, Jenny?" yelled Pauly D as he examined the brown stain that now stretched across his once pure white Ed Hardy shirt.

Edward looked up to see who had broken up the fight. To his astonishment, it was the model he had seen walking into the house supporting the two dwarf girls. He was impressed by her strength. Not only had she been able to carry the dead weight of the two chunky, pint-sized guidettes up the stairs and into the house, but also she had also just lifted two grown men off the ground and hurtled them across the room. He stared at her, awestruck. She was now in little boxer shorts and a baggy t-shirt. Her make up had been washed off and her hair was now thrown into a messy ponytail. Her hands were on her hips in an authoritative way and she stared accusingly at the two boys piled on the coffee table.

"You two are a bunch of douche bags for jumping the new guy the second he walks in here! What's the matter with you?"

When she spoke, she remained very composed. Her hands remained in position and her voice was very monotone. She had a masculinity about her that Edward found intriguing and found himself unable to take his eyes off of her.

Edward stood up, dusted himself off and opened his mouth to thank the girl and introduce himself. But before he could get the words out, Vinny jumped to his feet and pointed his tan finger at Edward and looked Jenny in the eyes.

"_This_ guy started it, Jenny. He had the audacity to come up in _my_ house to _live_ here with _me_ but refuse to shake my hand like a decent human being. So I don't give a fuck," he turned to face Edward, "I'll fuckin' knock you out if you come near me ever again, okay bitch?"

And with that, he turned around to help Pauly D off of the floor and the two gave Edward a threatening look as they walked past him and disappeared up the stairs.

Jenny turned to face Edward. He couldn't help but feel excited at the fact that he was now alone with this strong, Italian angel.

**Chapter 6**

Edward opened his mouth to speak to her, but was interrupted once again.

"You know you got some nerve comin' in here refusing to shake your roommates hand. I don't know where you're from but in jersey that's not how you make friends."

Edward was taken aback. He felt like a child being scolded. He was even more frustrated because he _did_ know the importance of a handshake and was an extremely respectful person.

"I was nervous," was all he could being himself to say, "I, uh, I kind of froze up, I'm sorry."

Jenny's expression softened and she relaxed her arms to her side. The corner of her mouth crept up into a slight smile and she snickered, "yeah, I guess it is pretty intimidating coming home to a house full of drunk Italians."

Her accent was smooth and beautiful and Edward found himself wanting her to speak more, simply so he could listen to it.

"So, you are Jenny?" he asked.

"Oh, yeah, sorry," she said reaching out to shake his hand, "otherwise known as JWOWW, as I'm sure you already know."

"Uh, no, sorry, I didn't know that," Edward said awkwardly.

"Oh, really?" she asked, with a genuine tone of shock, "haven't you ever seen the show?"

"Well, no, not exactly," he responded hesitantly. The truth was, the only parts of jersey shore he had ever seen were bits and pieces he picked up from people's thoughts, and when that happened he just tried to tune it out. But JWOWW made him wish he hadn't.

"Huh," she responded, now examining him up and down suspiciously, "so, um, how come you're so white? I mean, most Italians I know aren't pale, and you are _really_ pale. You _are_ Italian…aren't you?"

"Of course."

This, of course, was a lie. When Alice applied for Edward to be on the show, she didn't consider it a lie _per say_ to tell MTV that Edward was of Italian decent, considering the Volturi live in Italy and their all from the vampire species. Alice assured Edward the connection was good enough and not to worry.

Jenny stood silently. She was clearly waiting for an explanation.

"Um, I was studying abroad in, uh, Washington. There's no sun there. Constant rain and clouds."

"You were studying abroad?"

"Uhh, yeah, uh huh."

"In Washington?"

"Yep."

She laughed. "What, don't they have tanning beds there?"

"Tanning what?"

She folded her arms across her chest and stared at Edward as though he had just told her he was recently abducted by aliens. He began to panic until she burst out into laughter.

"New guy, you are something else. If I wasn't ready to pass out, I'd probably slap you for not knowing what a tanning bed is. This is going to be an interesting couple of months, let me tell ya."

And with that, she turned around to go up the stairs and go to bed. When her back was completely turned, Edward let out a deep breath, thankful that his first traumatizing experience was over. However, he quickly inhaled again when Jenny suddenly turned back around, just before walking up the stairs.

"Oh! And new guy…"

"Yes?" Edward responded instantly with a little too much enthusiasm.

"I think The Situation has a grenade in the smushing room, which can't be too pretty. So, you probably want to stay away from that door right there," she pointed towards a door on the back wall that read "Guest Room**"**.

Edward looked at the door then turned back to look at Jenny who was smirking at him.

"You _do_ know what smushing is, don't you?" she asked sarcastically.

"Yes, yes of course. Goodnight Jenny," Edward said with an awkward wave, as she continued up the stairs and disappeared.

Edward had no clue what smushing was. Or what a grenade was. Or what a tanning bed was. He didn't know how he was going to get through this. He collapsed on the couch and buried his head in his hands. Now that he was alone physically, and mentally since he couldn't tap into people's drunken thoughts, all he could hear were muffled groans of pleasure coming from the "Guest Room". Edward looked up, smiled, relaxing a little. He had figured out what smushing was.

**Chapter 7**

Edward curled up on the couch with a blanket since he had no idea where his room was and, for the sake of the cameras, he had to look like he was sleeping. So he lay there for several hours just thinking. Thinking about Reneesme and Jenny and Bella. Thinking about Jacob and Bella. Thinking about Jacob and Bella together.

The daylight peaked at noon and then began to fade in the late afternoon. Edward didn't know how long he should pretend to be asleep, not wanting to seem abnormal at all. Around what he assumed to be 5pm, he heard footsteps come down the stairs and shuffle across the hardwood floors to the kitchen. He heard the fridge open, items shuffle around, and then a giant crash of glass against linoleum.

"WAHHHHHHHHH!"

Edward shot up suddenly, frightened by the loud wailing. He got up and ran into the kitchen where he stumbled upon one of the dwarfs from the previous night. Her close-to-orange skin, large bug eyes and squished face stared at Edward vacantly. She stood on the other side of the counter and Edward could only see above her shoulders.

"Who are you?" she asked in a high-pitched, whiny voice.

"I'm Edward, uh, the, uh new guy," he responded.

She stared at him for about thirty seconds.

"Oh."

"Yeah," said Edward. Before he could ask her what her name was, a horribly pungent odor made its way into his senses and he scrunched his face in utter disgust.

"Ugh, what _is_ that?" he shouted while covering his mouth and nose.

"WAHHHHHHHHHH!" she screamed again, throwing her head back and pointing towards the floor.

Edward rounded the corner to see the juice all over the floor and the small green pickles scattered in every direction. He looked from the disgusting mess to the girl's pouty face. He couldn't tell what she was wearing because she was wrapped up in a large, red blanket that dragged like a train behind her in the back and cover everything above her knees in the front. Her short, stubby legs protruded from slippers that were made to look like gigantic tennis shoes. Everything about this girl was petite, so these engorged shoe-slippers made her look ridiculous. However, Edward couldn't help but find her irresistibly adorable.

"You, uh, want me to clean it up?" he asked hesitantly. He knew this girl wanted him to clean it up, and she knew he would probably do it in order to earn her friendship. This girl was quickly becoming one of the smarter roommates in Edwards mind. And after last night, Edward was not going to turn down any opportunity to get on someone's good side.

The dwarf nodded happily, then lifted herself onto the countertop, dangling her silly feet off of the side. Edward began picking up the individual pickles and tossing them into the sink.

"I'm Nicole, by the way, but everybody calls me Snooki," she said in her mousey voice.

"Edward," he responded, extending a hand.

She accepted the gesture and her tiny hand felt like a baby's hand in his own, large palm. He was suddenly reminded of Reneesme and he instantly grew homesick for her. He felt himself succumbing to sadness, but then reminded himself that he was doing this for her and for their family.

"How come you're so pale?"

Edward looked up at Snooki who was observing him vigilantly.

"Uh, I was studying abroad," he said as he stood up and grabbed a roll of paper towels, then squatted again to finish the job, "in Washington state; there's no sun there."

"Yeah, but don't you GTL?"

"Pardon me?"

"OH MY GOD!" she shouted, raising her voice to a level so suddenly that it made Edward jump a little, "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT GTL IS? HOW DO YOU EVEN CONSIDER YOURSELF A GUIDO?" Snooki was laughing hysterically, apparently amused by his lack of knowledge.

"Nicole! What the FUCK!" called a voice that was both high-pitched and raspy.

The voice came from behind Edward, and he whipped around to see the source. It was the other dwarf from the previous night, the one with long, brown, curly hair. She was equally as odd looking as Snooki, but much less adorable.

Snooki threw both of her hands into the air and kicked her short little legs up and wiggled them.

"DEEEEEEENA!" she shouted, clapping her hands excitedly, "this is the new guy! He doesn't know what GTL is and he is cleaning up my pickles."

Deena shuffled her short legs over to Edward who stood up to greet her. He went to offer a handshake but instead the girl lunged her body at him, wrapping her stubby arms around his middle and shaking him violently.

"I'm Deena!" she shouted mid-hug.

"AWWWWWWWWWWWW!" wailed Snooki behind him, adoring the heartfelt moment. Then she jumped off the counter and was suddenly hugging him from behind and he was helplessly stuck between the two hugging, "awing" girls.

They were rocking him back and forth, laughing louder by the second. When they finally settled down and released him, Deena threw her long hair over her shoulder and made a pouty face.

"I'm starving," she whined.

"Me too," said Snooki, "and all my pickles are gone."

Edward was suddenly very excited to be here. He was growing very fond of these two girls and instinctually wanted to care for them, much like.

"So what'll it be ladies?" he asked, rubbing his hands together, "I'll make anything you want with whatever is in this kitchen."

**Chapter 8**

Jenny walked down the stairs to find every single one of her roommates crammed around the dinner table with a gourmet feast spread across every inch.

"What's going on?" she asked with a suspicious smile.

"New guy cooked," said Pauly D as he shoved a heap of lasagna into his mouth.

Edward and Jenny made eye contact and when she smiled approvingly, Edward shyly looked away.

"Yeah, he's even better than you, Sitch," Vinny laughed.

"Shut the hell up," said The Situation who was clearly too busy stuffing his face to worry about insults.

Jenny walked over and joined the group at the table. Everyone was there enjoying the immaculate meal. Edward was sandwiched between Snooki and Deena. Ronnie and Sammi sat on Deena's right and Pauly D, Vinny, and The Situation were on Snooki's left. Edward was happy with the arrangement, since it allowed him to look directly at Jenny when she took her place among the group. She began helping herself to some chicken potpie and joined in on the conversation.

"So I see you patched things up with Vinny," Jenny said to Edward in a borderline sarcastic tone.

"Uh, yeah," replied Edward with a chuckle, "we worked everything out."

"In other words, Vin felt like a real dumbass when he walked down here to learn pretty boy could cook," laughed Pauly D as pieces of food and spit flew out of his mouth. Edward found Pauly D to be particularly loud but didn't mind it.

"Man, shut up," yelled Vinny, "I was drunk last night so I have an excuse for acting like a dick. Plus, everyone knows the fastest way to my heart is through my stomach," and everyone burst into laughter, including Edward who was faking it for the most part, but was surprisingly enjoying himself.

"And I see you've met Mike," Jenny observed, gesturing toward The Situation. Edward nodded.

"For your information, Jenny," said The Situation sarcastically, "we met last night. When all you rude motherfuckers ignored poor Eddy, I politely welcomed him to our humble home."

Everyone began talking crap and laughing at The Situation as he began to go into detail about his night with the sloppy blonde he brought home from the club. Edward was really beginning to like this group of people. He enjoyed listening to their sober thoughts. The two dwarfs were thinking about a lot of things at once, but mostly it was sex, what they wanted to drink tonight, and sex. The two quieter ones who Edward assumed to be a couple, Ronnie and Sammi, were thinking about each other but in two completely different ways. Sammi was thinking about how much Ron had done her wrong and whether or not she could handle being with him knowing what he's done to her. Ronnie was thinking about how much he loved Sammi, but missed his time with the boys. Edward even heard Ronnie think about how disappointed he was that the new guy was cool, because it just meant one more guy that would get to go out and have fun while he stayed obediently glued to Sammi's side. The three rambunctious boys were all thinking about women; boobs, butts, and sex. Edward decided it would be best to just permanently stay out of their three brains, and Snooki and Deena's too. There wasn't much depth too their thoughts. And most of what they thought was spoken out loud anyway, so he didn't feel like he would be missing anything. Jenny, however, was much more deep. Her thoughts were all worries about her future, how her business back home was doing, and how well her sales were going. She thought about her book, working out, calling home, calling her lawyers and all the other things on her mental to-do list. While the others laughed and played like big children, Jenny stared off into space lost in her thoughts and responsibilities.

"So, what do you think, new guy?"

Edward realized he had been paying such close attention to Jenny's thoughts that he hadn't even heard the last five minutes of the conversation.

"A-about what?" Edward asked, quite caught off guard.

"Snooks tells us you are a GTL virgin. What do you say to a little gym tanning laundry, huh?" asked The Situation.

Edward hesitatingly looked outside at the setting sun. He didn't know how he would pull it off. It was 6:45pm and the sun was setting, but it was summer so there were at least two more hours of solid daylight.

"Umm," he mumbled trying to conjure up an excuse of some kind.

"Come on!" they all shouted trying to persuade him. He had done it; he had gotten them to like him. Now he had to maintain his likeability, and turning down their first invitation did not seem like a very good way to do that.

"Alright," he reluctantly agreed, and Deena and Snooki threw their chubby little arms into the air and flailed them around in excitement, squealing. Edward briefly tapped into their thoughts in order to confirm his suspicion: these two girls found Edward to be adorable and, in their little minds, considered him to be a precious little puppy that they could not help but smother with adoration and affection. _Whatever works_, Edward thought to himself.

Everyone began filing out of the kitchen and went to their rooms to go change and Edward began cleaning up dinner. The cameramen had followed the girls upstairs so he was alone. He peeked around every corner just to be sure, and when he was sure the coast was clear, he went back and forth from the table to the sink to the fridge at lighting speed and dinner was cleaned up in a matter of minutes. Now all he had to do was figure out how he was going to GTL.

**Chapter 9**

"Eddy, are you sure you want to wear all that? It's like ninety degrees outside," Snooki asked.

"Uh, yeah, I'm sure," he replied.

"Maybe he's famous or something," Deena loudly whispered to Snooki.

"I think we'd know if he was famous, Deena."

"Nuh uh, not if he's on the Discovery Channel. Do you watch the Discovery Channel? I don't think so."

"Shut up bitch, I love Shark Week!"

"Would you two shut up?" yelled The Situation, "If rookie wants to dress like that, let him dress like that."

Edward was embarrassed. He looked at everyone else's flip-flops and bare limbs. He looked down at his own dark jeans and tennis shoes. He wore a hooded sweatshirt that was extra big on him so that the sleeves would be long enough to cover his hands. He wore the hood up with large, dark sunglasses over his eyes.

"So, yeah, let's role," said The Situation.

It was just the four of them: Edward, The Situation, Snooki and Deena. Jenny wanted go shopping for a new outfit for the club that night and Pauly D and Vinny went to the beach. Needless to say Ronnie and Sammi were laying down doing nothing.

They headed out the door and Edward could immediately feel the sun and pulled his hood further up over his face to shield its rays.

"Eddy, are you afraid of the sun?" asked Deena, "because if you are you picked the wrong place to spend your summer."

"Uh, no, no," Edward answered quickly, "I just, uh, it's just that my skin is really sensitive when it gets this pale. I burn really easily. I have to ease into it, that's all."

"Ohhhhhhh," the three of them said at once.

"Well thank God we are taking you tanning," said Snooki, "you can start off in a conventional for seven minutes. Between some UV and a quadruple bronzer you should be a yummy gorilla juicehead in no time."

Edward simply nodded his head. He hadn't understood a word of what she just said. Each girl grabbed one of his hands and lovingly lead him to the car.


	9. GTL Part 1

**Chapter 1**

I can't believe I let Alice talk me into this, Edward thought to himself as he Stared blankly ahead, grasping the steering wheel of his new, shiny black Beamer. He slowly turned his head to the left and he felt a pang of anxiety in his stomach as his eyes landed on the small jersey shore house. His new, Italian roommates were probably waiting anxiously for him at the door, curious about their new roommates identity.

Edward relaxed his shoulders momentarily and sighed nervously as he recollected how Alice had gotten him into this mess in the first place. It all started when Bella "changed". When she became a vampire and gave birth to Edwards beloved daughter. When she changed into a monster. And not the kind of monster one would naturally assume when addressing the transformation into an uncontrollable, bloodthirsty creature. No, what happened to Bella was much, much worse. When Bella "changed" she became self-absorbed attention slut with a constant desire to stir up unnecessary drama. She ended up scoring what she considered to be the role of a lifetime shortly after Reneesme's birth: MTV's Teen Mom. The ever-present film crew made Edward extremely uncomfortable but he put up with it for Bella because he was deeply and unconditionally in love with her. He doted on Bella and his daughter, despite Bella's ungrateful attitude and controlling nature. Edward was miserable but he wouldn't give up his true love and daughter for anything. But when the show aired, things changed. MTV and Bella made Edward out to be the typical, deadbeat, absentee father. They cut out any footage he was in, and when Bella was filmed without him, she was in a constant fit of tears; distraught over the fact that Reneesme deserved a better father, one who actually came around and loved Reneesme like

she loved Reneesme. When Edward calmly confronted her about it, she exploded in a fit of rage, accusing him of accusing her. The fight ended with Bella packing her things, throwing her wedding ring in Edwards face and walking out the door. Edward was defeated and chose not to chase after her. He hadn't spoken to her since, and the last he heard she was living over on the reservation with Jacob.

Edward was dangerously depressed after all this went down. Between losing Bella and receiving mountains of hate mail from angry women around the country, Edward's ego had really taken a hit. So, one night, Alice approached him with an idea: go to the jersey shore!

"It's the perfect way to move past all this," she said, "you can get away and have fun, and America will fall in love with you and your instant 15 minutes of fame will make Bella want you back!". Edward hated the idea.

"Absolutely not," he said, "I've heard of that show, those people sound ridiculous. Plus, I have a daughter to take care of, remember?"

Alice grinned and excitedly grabbed him by the shoulders and looked directly into his eyes.

"We can watch the kid, you know we love her."

Edward grabbed her by the wrists and removed them from his shoulders and asked her, "don't you think America will hate me even more if I do this? I mean, won't they think I'm even more of a deadbeat dad if I ditch my daughter to go party it up with the guidos?"

Alice threw her head back laughing.

"No! That's the greatest part of all this" she said between giggles, "this show is like magic. No one cares where these people came from; they are just immediately obsessed with them. Trust me, the next thing you know, you'll be walking red carpets, attending movie premieres, and shooting the breeze with Ellen."

"Who?"

"My point is, America and the rest of the world won't be able to resist."

Edward half smiled at her compliment and lowered his gaze downward, pondering the idea. Alice extended her hand and lifted his eyes back to hers.

"And neither will Bella," she said, "I see this working, and you need to just trust me."

**Chapter 2**

So here he was. Sitting outside of this party house that would hopefully fix the broken pieces of his life, without introducing the world to the existence of vampires. It was a risk, but one he had somehow allowed himself to believe was necessary. He went hunting right before he left and assumed he would have to hunt a couple more times during his stay at the shore, which he could sneak off and do. Luckily this particular group of people stayed awake all-night and slept throughout the entire day so he wouldn't have to worry about his secret being exposed in sunlight. He reassured himself that everything would be alright and all he needed to worry about was these people accepting him. Everyone, even Edward Cullen, knows that if you aren't liked by the rest of them, you aren't liked by anyone. Alice told him he needed to make it his ultimate goal to not be the next Angelina.

Edward got out of the car reluctantly and made his way up the steps to the front door. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door of the jersey shore house. Silence.

This surprised him because he Assumed the the eager roommates would be on the opposite side of the door, their ears pressed against it, anxiously awaiting the vibrations from approaching steps or nervous knock. However, there was not a stir. He really did not want to help himself in like the annoying, invasive new guy. After knocking a few more times, peeking through windows and circling the house for any indication of life, Edward gave up and decided he would have to just go in and awkwardly wait on the couch for the roommates to return...like an intruder.

However the door was locked. Edward quickly checked his watch. 1am. He hadn't realized he had arrived so late. He panicked for a brief moment, thinking about the possibility of being stuck out there so long that the sunrise sends his skin into a sparkle frenzy, but then Mentally calmed himself down. _I'm sure they'll be back soon_, he thought. _After all, guidos can only party so late, right_?

**Chapter 3**

Edward sat crouched beneath a tree that extended up to the front porch providing a small patch of shade from the ever-rising sun. He desperately looked at his watch for the millionth time. 5:30am. He had wedged himself tightly into the shady corner, clutching his knees to his chest and watching the sun inch closer to his body. Edward silently blamed Alice for this disaster and was about to make a break for his car when he heard the Italian stampede coming up the sidewalk and making it's way up the porch. The first to come into full sight was a tall, lean man wearing dark aviator sunglasses over his eyes, an Ed Hardy t-shirt on his back and a disheveled blonde on his arm. They drunkenly stumbled up the steps together, laughing and complementing each other on their sexiness. The man noticed Edward, who was still squatting desperately in the corner, clinging to his shrinking patch of shade. As the man quickly made his way to the door, he slid his sunglasses down to the tip of his nose and looked over them at Edward.

"Yo, Rookie!" he shouted, replacing his shades back over his eyes and clumsily unlocking the door, "The name is Situation. I assume you know where the smushing room is, and I'd appreciate it if you stayed away from there for the next couple of hours, thanks bro, catch you later!" And he disappeared into the house.

Following shortly behind were three extremely tan girls. While the shade of their skin was equally bronzed, the rest of their appearance couldn't have been any more different. The one in the middle was tall, like a model. Edward was certain, other than Bella, he had never seen a more beautiful creature. She had jet-black hair that fell loosely around her shoulders, large, fake breasts, and piercing dark eyes. She wore a skin tight, red leather dress that was cut so low in the front that the artistry of the plastic surgeon could truly be appreciated, and Edward found himself desiring to know the name of that surgeon so that he could write him a thank-you card. The one to her right was shockingly short, and just barely came up to the model's belly button. She too had jet-black hair, but hers was piled onto the back of her head in what probably was once a poof, but after a long night of partying it was now more of a birds nest. She wore a silver, strapless dress where the fabric clung tightly to her butt, then loosened around her middle section, then tightened up again around her breasts. The one on the model's left was slightly taller than the other, but with lighter hair that was thick and curly. She wore a similar dress to the other short girl, except it was turquoise blue. The two little ones were practically being carried by the model, who had her arms wrapped around each of their waists. The short ones were clearly drunk and whining loudly about one of the other roommates, and the tall one simply ignored it and led the girls into the house without even noticing Edward.

The duo that came into sight next was silent. A tall, slender, beautiful girl with dark brown hair and sweet eyes held the hand of a shorter, stout man with muscles that were piled so thickly on his arms that it made him walk with almost a kind of waddle. They both wore similar expressions that Edward could only determine to be that of silent suffering. The only noise that they created was that from walking, and they too entered the house without noticing Edward pathetically balled up in the shady corner.

He was beginning to feel hopeful. Maybe no one would notice him, and he could enter the house with the roommates already home like he had originally planned. The Situation would probably be absent and "smushing" that charming blonde and wouldn't notice the difference. But Edward was very wrong, because the next feet sprinting heavily and loudly up the steps were those of Vinny and Pauly D.

**Chapter 4!**

The two rambunctious boys literally leapt up the steps laughing and instigating each other with playful insults and congratulations on being awesome. They were so distracted with one another that Edward was convinced he would slip directly under their radar. However, just as they were about to enter the house, Vinny caught sight of Edward and stopped dead in his tracks. Vinny was of average height and build, with extremely short black hair and black eyebrows. Vinny's sudden stop nearly caused Pauly D to run right into him. Pauly D was a very tanned, toned man with the sides of his head shaved, but on the top of his head sat a thick, black mane that he had clearly spent a lot of time perfecting, as it stood perfectly straight up like grass that hadn't been cut for a few months. Both boys were also wearing Ed Hardy t-shirts, extremely clean shoes, and a wrist and neck-full of shiny jewelry. After a moment of confusion, Pauly D realized what had caused Vinny to freeze up and both boys were now looking at Edward in utter disbelief.

"Oh, hell no," said Pauly D, "this cannot be the new guy."

Edward realized how ridiculous he must look. To himself he was a broken hearted vampire trying to hold onto a secret that was centimeters away from being revealed. But to these guys and the rest of the world, he was a grown, human man, scrunched into the fetal position, with a terrified expression. He looked like the combination of an escaped psych ward patient, a homeless man, and a frightened toddler. So it was no surprise that these guys were not immediately accepting of him. He couldn't read their thoughts to determine what their analysis of him was because they were drunk. When humans drink, their thoughts are reduced to complex swirls of light, color and sound that are undecipherable to Edward's gift.

"I mean…_this guy_?" Pauly D stated again, "_this_ guy?"

"Yeah," agreed Vinny, with a bewildered look on his face, "he's so…so…"

_Weird? Awkward? Different? Ugly?_ Edward thought, attempting to predict the ultimate factor that caused him to be an instant outcast.

"Pale," said Pauly D conclusively.

Vinny nodded in agreement. The two boys stood in the doorway gawking at Edward like he was an injured animal and they weren't sure what to do next. After what felt like hours, the tension in Vinny's body loosened and he gave Edward a soft smile and said, "eh, what the hell?" as he stepped towards Edward and extended an arm, "I'm Vinny, nice to meet you bro."

Edward stared at the outstretched hand. He observed how its dark, olive color burned slightly red in the sun's rising light. Edward knew if he reached out and shook Vinny's hand in the warm sunlight he would sparkle like Diana Ross. But he knew if he didn't it would be considered a social insult and who knows what would happen after that. He panicked, unsure of what to do. The smile on Vinny's face vanished and he gave his hand a jerk, silently threatening Edward to shake it or else.

"Come on bro, I'm trying to be cool, don't you know its disrespectful to ignore a handshake when someone is welcoming into their home?" Vinny turned around to face Pauly D, searching for answers, but Pauly simply shrugged and snickered at the awkwardness of the situation and the awkwardness of Edward in general. Vinny turned back to Edward, clearly upset and disturbed by Edward's antisocial behavior.

"Bro you really don't want to be doing this on your first day, you don't disrespect your roommates on the first day," Vinny rambled, getting himself heated up and angrier by the second, "you think you're a man because you won't shake my hand, bro? For real? Get up, you little bitch, show me how manly you are, I'll take you out right now, let's go!" Vinny's hands were balled up into fists and he was anxiously hopping around the porch in circles and beating on his chest. Pauly D, still in the doorway, was roaring with laughter and encouraging Vinny's alpha male behavior. Edward was beyond panicking. He wanted to stand up and shake this guy's hand and apologize, but he couldn't. He felt so stupid curled up in that corner; unable to be a man like Vinny demanded and either shake his hand or fight. But he couldn't do either without outing an entire secret species. Edward was pretty sure if he were human he would be crying.

Suddenly Vinny was hovering about Edward, breathing heavily, Pauly's hysterical laughter looming in the background.

"I said, 'get up' you pale little bitch," and the next thing he knew, Edward's arm was clutched in Vinny's wrist and he was thrust into the sunlight. It all happened so quickly that it was over before it had a chance to begin. Edward's animalistic nature erupted and, combined with his instincts to shield his bare skin, he simultaneously threw Vinny off of him and into Pauly D, knocking the two of them into the house and onto the floor. Then, using his lightening speed, he quickly leapt from the sunlit porch into the safe, dark living room of the jersey shore house. Vinny and Pauly D attempted to collect themselves from the floor and figure out what had just happened. When they got to their feet, Edward stood in front of them, smiled slightly, extended his hand and said, "I'm Edward Cullen, nice to meet you."

**Chapter 5**

Edward kept his hand in the air, and Vinny and Pauly D stared blankly at him. Their eyes shifted back and forth from his hand to his face at least ten times. Edward's smile faded from his mouth and his confidence vanished. Finally Vinny broke the silence.

"You little bitch!"

Edward's face went from confusion to terror, as the two guidos bolted towards him, toppled him to the ground, and began blindly throwing punches at him. Edward was tempted to use his super strength once again to throw them off of him but knew he couldn't get away with it this time. So he simply had to take each punch and kick, trying to fight back in the most human-like way. His closed his eyes as fists were flying all over the place. This went on for what felt like hours.

Suddenly all the blows stopped entirely and Edward opened his eyes. He saw Vinny and Pauly D ripped away from their position on top of him and thrown into the coffee table supporting several magazines and a vase filled with dead flowers and old water. The table collapsed beneath the weight of the two boys and left them in a pile of broken wood, shattered glass and smelly, dirty liquid.

"What the fuck, Jenny?" yelled Pauly D as he examined the brown stain that now stretched across his once pure white Ed Hardy shirt.

Edward looked up to see who had broken up the fight. To his astonishment, it was the model he had seen walking into the house supporting the two dwarf girls. He was impressed by her strength. Not only had she been able to carry the dead weight of the two chunky, pint-sized guidettes up the stairs and into the house, but also she had also just lifted two grown men off the ground and hurtled them across the room. He stared at her, awestruck. She was now in little boxer shorts and a baggy t-shirt. Her make up had been washed off and her hair was now thrown into a messy ponytail. Her hands were on her hips in an authoritative way and she stared accusingly at the two boys piled on the coffee table.

"You two are a bunch of douche bags for jumping the new guy the second he walks in here! What's the matter with you?"

When she spoke, she remained very composed. Her hands remained in position and her voice was very monotone. She had a masculinity about her that Edward found intriguing and found himself unable to take his eyes off of her.

Edward stood up, dusted himself off and opened his mouth to thank the girl and introduce himself. But before he could get the words out, Vinny jumped to his feet and pointed his tan finger at Edward and looked Jenny in the eyes.

"_This_ guy started it, Jenny. He had the audacity to come up in _my_ house to _live_ here with _me_ but refuse to shake my hand like a decent human being. So I don't give a fuck," he turned to face Edward, "I'll fuckin' knock you out if you come near me ever again, okay bitch?"

And with that, he turned around to help Pauly D off of the floor and the two gave Edward a threatening look as they walked past him and disappeared up the stairs.

Jenny turned to face Edward. He couldn't help but feel excited at the fact that he was now alone with this strong, Italian angel.

**Chapter 6**

Edward opened his mouth to speak to her, but was interrupted once again.

"You know you got some nerve comin' in here refusing to shake your roommates hand. I don't know where you're from but in jersey that's not how you make friends."

Edward was taken aback. He felt like a child being scolded. He was even more frustrated because he _did_ know the importance of a handshake and was an extremely respectful person.

"I was nervous," was all he could being himself to say, "I, uh, I kind of froze up, I'm sorry."

Jenny's expression softened and she relaxed her arms to her side. The corner of her mouth crept up into a slight smile and she snickered, "yeah, I guess it is pretty intimidating coming home to a house full of drunk Italians."

Her accent was smooth and beautiful and Edward found himself wanting her to speak more, simply so he could listen to it.

"So, you are Jenny?" he asked.

"Oh, yeah, sorry," she said reaching out to shake his hand, "otherwise known as JWOWW, as I'm sure you already know."

"Uh, no, sorry, I didn't know that," Edward said awkwardly.

"Oh, really?" she asked, with a genuine tone of shock, "haven't you ever seen the show?"

"Well, no, not exactly," he responded hesitantly. The truth was, the only parts of jersey shore he had ever seen were bits and pieces he picked up from people's thoughts, and when that happened he just tried to tune it out. But JWOWW made him wish he hadn't.

"Huh," she responded, now examining him up and down suspiciously, "so, um, how come you're so white? I mean, most Italians I know aren't pale, and you are _really_ pale. You _are_ Italian…aren't you?"

"Of course."

This, of course, was a lie. When Alice applied for Edward to be on the show, she didn't consider it a lie _per say_ to tell MTV that Edward was of Italian decent, considering the Volturi live in Italy and their all from the vampire species. Alice assured Edward the connection was good enough and not to worry.

Jenny stood silently. She was clearly waiting for an explanation.

"Um, I was studying abroad in, uh, Washington. There's no sun there. Constant rain and clouds."

"You were studying abroad?"

"Uhh, yeah, uh huh."

"In Washington?"

"Yep."

She laughed. "What, don't they have tanning beds there?"

"Tanning what?"

She folded her arms across her chest and stared at Edward as though he had just told her he was recently abducted by aliens. He began to panic until she burst out into laughter.

"New guy, you are something else. If I wasn't ready to pass out, I'd probably slap you for not knowing what a tanning bed is. This is going to be an interesting couple of months, let me tell ya."

And with that, she turned around to go up the stairs and go to bed. When her back was completely turned, Edward let out a deep breath, thankful that his first traumatizing experience was over. However, he quickly inhaled again when Jenny suddenly turned back around, just before walking up the stairs.

"Oh! And new guy…"

"Yes?" Edward responded instantly with a little too much enthusiasm.

"I think The Situation has a grenade in the smushing room, which can't be too pretty. So, you probably want to stay away from that door right there," she pointed towards a door on the back wall that read "Guest Room**"**.

Edward looked at the door then turned back to look at Jenny who was smirking at him.

"You _do_ know what smushing is, don't you?" she asked sarcastically.

"Yes, yes of course. Goodnight Jenny," Edward said with an awkward wave, as she continued up the stairs and disappeared.

Edward had no clue what smushing was. Or what a grenade was. Or what a tanning bed was. He didn't know how he was going to get through this. He collapsed on the couch and buried his head in his hands. Now that he was alone physically, and mentally since he couldn't tap into people's drunken thoughts, all he could hear were muffled groans of pleasure coming from the "Guest Room". Edward looked up, smiled, relaxing a little. He had figured out what smushing was.

**Chapter 7**

Edward curled up on the couch with a blanket since he had no idea where his room was and, for the sake of the cameras, he had to look like he was sleeping. So he lay there for several hours just thinking. Thinking about Reneesme and Jenny and Bella. Thinking about Jacob and Bella. Thinking about Jacob and Bella together.

The daylight peaked at noon and then began to fade in the late afternoon. Edward didn't know how long he should pretend to be asleep, not wanting to seem abnormal at all. Around what he assumed to be 5pm, he heard footsteps come down the stairs and shuffle across the hardwood floors to the kitchen. He heard the fridge open, items shuffle around, and then a giant crash of glass against linoleum.

"WAHHHHHHHHH!"

Edward shot up suddenly, frightened by the loud wailing. He got up and ran into the kitchen where he stumbled upon one of the dwarfs from the previous night. Her close-to-orange skin, large bug eyes and squished face stared at Edward vacantly. She stood on the other side of the counter and Edward could only see above her shoulders.

"Who are you?" she asked in a high-pitched, whiny voice.

"I'm Edward, uh, the, uh new guy," he responded.

She stared at him for about thirty seconds.

"Oh."

"Yeah," said Edward. Before he could ask her what her name was, a horribly pungent odor made its way into his senses and he scrunched his face in utter disgust.

"Ugh, what _is_ that?" he shouted while covering his mouth and nose.

"WAHHHHHHHHHH!" she screamed again, throwing her head back and pointing towards the floor.

Edward rounded the corner to see the juice all over the floor and the small green pickles scattered in every direction. He looked from the disgusting mess to the girl's pouty face. He couldn't tell what she was wearing because she was wrapped up in a large, red blanket that dragged like a train behind her in the back and cover everything above her knees in the front. Her short, stubby legs protruded from slippers that were made to look like gigantic tennis shoes. Everything about this girl was petite, so these engorged shoe-slippers made her look ridiculous. However, Edward couldn't help but find her irresistibly adorable.

"You, uh, want me to clean it up?" he asked hesitantly. He knew this girl wanted him to clean it up, and she knew he would probably do it in order to earn her friendship. This girl was quickly becoming one of the smarter roommates in Edwards mind. And after last night, Edward was not going to turn down any opportunity to get on someone's good side.

The dwarf nodded happily, then lifted herself onto the countertop, dangling her silly feet off of the side. Edward began picking up the individual pickles and tossing them into the sink.

"I'm Nicole, by the way, but everybody calls me Snooki," she said in her mousey voice.

"Edward," he responded, extending a hand.

She accepted the gesture and her tiny hand felt like a baby's hand in his own, large palm. He was suddenly reminded of Reneesme and he instantly grew homesick for her. He felt himself succumbing to sadness, but then reminded himself that he was doing this for her and for their family.

"How come you're so pale?"

Edward looked up at Snooki who was observing him vigilantly.

"Uh, I was studying abroad," he said as he stood up and grabbed a roll of paper towels, then squatted again to finish the job, "in Washington state; there's no sun there."

"Yeah, but don't you GTL?"

"Pardon me?"

"OH MY GOD!" she shouted, raising her voice to a level so suddenly that it made Edward jump a little, "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT GTL IS? HOW DO YOU EVEN CONSIDER YOURSELF A GUIDO?" Snooki was laughing hysterically, apparently amused by his lack of knowledge.

"Nicole! What the FUCK!" called a voice that was both high-pitched and raspy.

The voice came from behind Edward, and he whipped around to see the source. It was the other dwarf from the previous night, the one with long, brown, curly hair. She was equally as odd looking as Snooki, but much less adorable.

Snooki threw both of her hands into the air and kicked her short little legs up and wiggled them.

"DEEEEEEENA!" she shouted, clapping her hands excitedly, "this is the new guy! He doesn't know what GTL is and he is cleaning up my pickles."

Deena shuffled her short legs over to Edward who stood up to greet her. He went to offer a handshake but instead the girl lunged her body at him, wrapping her stubby arms around his middle and shaking him violently.

"I'm Deena!" she shouted mid-hug.

"AWWWWWWWWWWWW!" wailed Snooki behind him, adoring the heartfelt moment. Then she jumped off the counter and was suddenly hugging him from behind and he was helplessly stuck between the two hugging, "awing" girls.

They were rocking him back and forth, laughing louder by the second. When they finally settled down and released him, Deena threw her long hair over her shoulder and made a pouty face.

"I'm starving," she whined.

"Me too," said Snooki, "and all my pickles are gone."

Edward was suddenly very excited to be here. He was growing very fond of these two girls and instinctually wanted to care for them, much like.

"So what'll it be ladies?" he asked, rubbing his hands together, "I'll make anything you want with whatever is in this kitchen."

**Chapter 8**

Jenny walked down the stairs to find every single one of her roommates crammed around the dinner table with a gourmet feast spread across every inch.

"What's going on?" she asked with a suspicious smile.

"New guy cooked," said Pauly D as he shoved a heap of lasagna into his mouth.

Edward and Jenny made eye contact and when she smiled approvingly, Edward shyly looked away.

"Yeah, he's even better than you, Sitch," Vinny laughed.

"Shut the hell up," said The Situation who was clearly too busy stuffing his face to worry about insults.

Jenny walked over and joined the group at the table. Everyone was there enjoying the immaculate meal. Edward was sandwiched between Snooki and Deena. Ronnie and Sammi sat on Deena's right and Pauly D, Vinny, and The Situation were on Snooki's left. Edward was happy with the arrangement, since it allowed him to look directly at Jenny when she took her place among the group. She began helping herself to some chicken potpie and joined in on the conversation.

"So I see you patched things up with Vinny," Jenny said to Edward in a borderline sarcastic tone.

"Uh, yeah," replied Edward with a chuckle, "we worked everything out."

"In other words, Vin felt like a real dumbass when he walked down here to learn pretty boy could cook," laughed Pauly D as pieces of food and spit flew out of his mouth. Edward found Pauly D to be particularly loud but didn't mind it.

"Man, shut up," yelled Vinny, "I was drunk last night so I have an excuse for acting like a dick. Plus, everyone knows the fastest way to my heart is through my stomach," and everyone burst into laughter, including Edward who was faking it for the most part, but was surprisingly enjoying himself.

"And I see you've met Mike," Jenny observed, gesturing toward The Situation. Edward nodded.

"For your information, Jenny," said The Situation sarcastically, "we met last night. When all you rude motherfuckers ignored poor Eddy, I politely welcomed him to our humble home."

Everyone began talking crap and laughing at The Situation as he began to go into detail about his night with the sloppy blonde he brought home from the club. Edward was really beginning to like this group of people. He enjoyed listening to their sober thoughts. The two dwarfs were thinking about a lot of things at once, but mostly it was sex, what they wanted to drink tonight, and sex. The two quieter ones who Edward assumed to be a couple, Ronnie and Sammi, were thinking about each other but in two completely different ways. Sammi was thinking about how much Ron had done her wrong and whether or not she could handle being with him knowing what he's done to her. Ronnie was thinking about how much he loved Sammi, but missed his time with the boys. Edward even heard Ronnie think about how disappointed he was that the new guy was cool, because it just meant one more guy that would get to go out and have fun while he stayed obediently glued to Sammi's side. The three rambunctious boys were all thinking about women; boobs, butts, and sex. Edward decided it would be best to just permanently stay out of their three brains, and Snooki and Deena's too. There wasn't much depth too their thoughts. And most of what they thought was spoken out loud anyway, so he didn't feel like he would be missing anything. Jenny, however, was much more deep. Her thoughts were all worries about her future, how her business back home was doing, and how well her sales were going. She thought about her book, working out, calling home, calling her lawyers and all the other things on her mental to-do list. While the others laughed and played like big children, Jenny stared off into space lost in her thoughts and responsibilities.

"So, what do you think, new guy?"

Edward realized he had been paying such close attention to Jenny's thoughts that he hadn't even heard the last five minutes of the conversation.

"A-about what?" Edward asked, quite caught off guard.

"Snooks tells us you are a GTL virgin. What do you say to a little gym tanning laundry, huh?" asked The Situation.

Edward hesitatingly looked outside at the setting sun. He didn't know how he would pull it off. It was 6:45pm and the sun was setting, but it was summer so there were at least two more hours of solid daylight.

"Umm," he mumbled trying to conjure up an excuse of some kind.

"Come on!" they all shouted trying to persuade him. He had done it; he had gotten them to like him. Now he had to maintain his likeability, and turning down their first invitation did not seem like a very good way to do that.

"Alright," he reluctantly agreed, and Deena and Snooki threw their chubby little arms into the air and flailed them around in excitement, squealing. Edward briefly tapped into their thoughts in order to confirm his suspicion: these two girls found Edward to be adorable and, in their little minds, considered him to be a precious little puppy that they could not help but smother with adoration and affection. _Whatever works_, Edward thought to himself.

Everyone began filing out of the kitchen and went to their rooms to go change and Edward began cleaning up dinner. The cameramen had followed the girls upstairs so he was alone. He peeked around every corner just to be sure, and when he was sure the coast was clear, he went back and forth from the table to the sink to the fridge at lighting speed and dinner was cleaned up in a matter of minutes. Now all he had to do was figure out how he was going to GTL.

**Chapter 9**

"Eddy, are you sure you want to wear all that? It's like ninety degrees outside," Snooki asked.

"Uh, yeah, I'm sure," he replied.

"Maybe he's famous or something," Deena loudly whispered to Snooki.

"I think we'd know if he was famous, Deena."

"Nuh uh, not if he's on the Discovery Channel. Do you watch the Discovery Channel? I don't think so."

"Shut up bitch, I love Shark Week!"

"Would you two shut up?" yelled The Situation, "If rookie wants to dress like that, let him dress like that."

Edward was embarrassed. He looked at everyone else's flip-flops and bare limbs. He looked down at his own dark jeans and tennis shoes. He wore a hooded sweatshirt that was extra big on him so that the sleeves would be long enough to cover his hands. He wore the hood up with large, dark sunglasses over his eyes.

"So, yeah, let's role," said The Situation.

It was just the four of them: Edward, The Situation, Snooki and Deena. Jenny wanted go shopping for a new outfit for the club that night and Pauly D and Vinny went to the beach. Needless to say Ronnie and Sammi were laying down doing nothing.

They headed out the door and Edward could immediately feel the sun and pulled his hood further up over his face to shield its rays.

"Eddy, are you afraid of the sun?" asked Deena, "because if you are you picked the wrong place to spend your summer."

"Uh, no, no," Edward answered quickly, "I just, uh, it's just that my skin is really sensitive when it gets this pale. I burn really easily. I have to ease into it, that's all."

"Ohhhhhhh," the three of them said at once.

"Well thank God we are taking you tanning," said Snooki, "you can start off in a conventional for seven minutes. Between some UV and a quadruple bronzer you should be a yummy gorilla juicehead in no time."

Edward simply nodded his head. He hadn't understood a word of what she just said. Each girl grabbed one of his hands and lovingly lead him to the car.


End file.
